Taylor Lautner is a terrible actor with a vulgar nose and a mouth-breathing problem, but where else would Hollywood find an athletic-looking 19-year-old?  Of course they had to put him in a thousand movies.  You act as if they had a choice.  As a studio exec, it’s not about what you like, it’s about what the kids like that you pretend to like to seem relevant.  Anyway, today brings us the trailer for Lautner’s first headlining role, in Abduction, for Boyz in the Hood director John Singleton. MORE LIKE ABZ-DUCTION, AMIRITE?? Side note: Boyz in the Hood was 20 years ago.  Can we start calling him 2 Fast 2 Furious director John Singleton now?

The plot: Taylor Lautner is Nathan, just your average, rippling-abbed high school kid with mirrored shades and a super-cool motorcycle. His life was one endless high-five pool party, until one day (*RECORD SCRATCH*), his best do-able-but-platonic female friend calls up and says, “Nathan.  You’ve gotta see this.  I found this site showing what missing kids might look like today.”  Because clearly, every high school girl stays up all night perusing photos on missing children’s websites.  Nathan pulls it up on his new Macbook, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a kid on the site who looks EXACTLY LIKE NATHAN.  And instead of just being like, “Haha, isn’t that funny, I look just like a computer-generated image on a missing person’s site,” he’s all like, “OMG, DROP EVERYTHING, CLEARLY I’VE BEEN ABSDUCTED!”

And that’s when Stanley Tucci* kicks down the door and shoots his mom.
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Someone in Hollywood gets paid to sit behind a desk or walk around like a dick with a Bluetooth ear piece and convince producers and directors that Stephen Dorff should still get jobs. And that’s fine, because if it weren’t for him, then good actors like Boo Boo Stewart wouldn’t have to put effort into being so damn good. God, I love you, Boo Boo.

Dorff’s latest project is Carjacked, as he’ll star opposite Maria Bello and her giant bush. Bello will play a single baby mama… sorry, I’m suffering from C-Tate relapse this morning… Bello will play a single mom traveling with her child when Dorff (DORFF!) enters her life as a – wait for it – carjacker. He takes them on a ride they’ll never forget. It’s like Panic Room meets Are We There Yet. Bring the whole family for this nonstop ride of suspense. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Sorry, I applied for an internship with Pete Hammond today.

Don’t forget that the gas pedal sticks and the backseat smells like farts, Variety:

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_{“Yessir, I got the I’m-gone-rape-a-white-girl bluuues…”}

No word on how he plans to squeeze it in between his nine Marvel movies, but Sam Jackson has signed on for the awesomely titled Rape: A Love Story (which sounds funnier if you read it without the colon).  Settle down, pervs, it’s a Joyce Carol Oates novel.  But who will play the rapee?  Go ahead, I’ll give you one guess…

“The movie will tell the story of Teena MacGuire (Maria Bello), a young mother who is brutally gang-raped and left for dead, in an attack witnessed by her 12 year-old daughter (Abigail Breslin).  Jackson will play a cop who, appalled by Teena’s plight and a legal miscarriage of justice, takes the law into his own hands in an attempt to punish her attackers.” [Empire]

“They told me it was going to be tasteful,” MacGuire moaned.

Maria Bello is my favorite kind of actress, always willing to bare a breast, flash some kitty, or even wave around a labe or two “if the scene demands it” (if there’s a Sigur Ros song in the background).  In fact, one time I took her to my niece’s swim meet and she just stood in the corner smoking cigarettes and growling, “Do I get to show my pussy now?”

Oh right.  Anyway, this is the slightly NSFW trailer for Downloading Nancy.  I’m not sure what it’s about.  What do I look like, Google?
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After the jump is the new trailer for the next movie in the Mummy series, titled The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.  That title sounds like they used mad libs to write it, but okay.  I guess it’s better than Terminator: The Return of the Terminator.

In the film Brendan Fraser is back as explorer Rick O’Connell and he’s battling the necromanced corpse of a Han Emperor (played by the usually-awesome Jet Li).  It’s directed by The Fast and the Furious director Rob Cohen.  They’ve substituted our usual Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello. Let’s see if anyone notices. – RoboPanda