The remake/reboot/whatever they’re calling it these days of Conan the Barbarian which was at one point set to be directed by Brett Ratner, has signed Marcus Nispel, the gentleman you see here.  Sources say the set will smell a little less like burritos and a little more like patchouli and cat pee.

Nispel has been set to direct “Conan,” ending a nine-year development ordeal to reinvent the Robert E. Howard-created barbarian first immortalized onscreen by Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1982.

The film will be the most financially ambitious ever for producer Avi Lerner, with a script by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, whose credits include “Sahara” and “Cowboys and Aliens.” Lerner flirted with Brett Ratner last year, but the filmmaker could not commit in a timely fashion and Lerner couldn’t wait. That opened the door for Nispel, who’ll make “Conan” his third redo, after “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th” [his other directing credit being "Pathfinder"].  Nispel said he will blend his childhood imaginings of the character with the influence of the famous Conan illustrations by Frank Frazetta, and the influence of such viscerally violent period films as Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto.” [Variety]

Viscerally violent period films?  Sounds gross.  Anyway, nine years in the making and they ended up with the director of Pathfinder doing a script by the writers of Sahara. If they’d waited a few more months maybe they could’ve gotten Seltzer-Freebird and the guy from After Last Season.

^{Oh hey look, a gypsy got buttf*cked by a hare krishna.}

Since he clearly deserves to work again, the guy who directed Pathfinder (aka Marcus Nispel, pictured) has signed on for The Last Voyage of Demeter. Chill out, dude, it’s about vampires.

Story, penned by Bragi Schut Jr., is based on a chapter in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” describing the arrival of the vampire count in England on a cargo ship that has crashed into the rocks at Whitby with no crew and the dead captain lashed to the steering wheel. Stoker tells the story via the captain’s log of the voyage, which begins in Bulgaria and becomes increasingly disjointed as members of the crew disappear. [Variety]

I liked the original title better.  Dracula: I’m on a Boat, Motherf*cker.

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