"POW!"

Continuing a long and storied tradition of actors who fancy themselves fighters because they’ve trained to play fighters in movies, Mark Wahlberg now says he could take Manny Pacquiao in a fight, assuming conditions were right.  On the Dan Patrick show to promote The Fighter, in which Wahlberg plays boxing great Mickey Ward (a role for which he trained with Freddie Roach), Wahlberg was asked whether he could take Manny Pacquiao in a fight. It was, of course, a ridiculous question that answering will only lead to TMZ taking you out of context and making you look like a jackass, but don’t think for a second I’m not going to join in on the fun.

Wahlberg was on the “Dan Patrick Show” this morning — where he revealed that he “clocked” a guy in a L.A. nightclub recently … and “fish hooked” some guy’s eye socket during a rumble at a Patriots-Jets football game a few years ago. Crazy violent stuff.

Sounds pretty typical, actually.  YOU DISRESPECT WES WELKAH, YOU FACKIN’ QUEAH??  HE’S THE BEST SLAWT RECEIVAH SINCE YA MOTHAH’S COOZ BAWX! (*fish hook*) HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES, GO SAWX!

But the most shocking part — Wahlberg, who trained as a boxer for his new movie “The Fighter” — thinks he could K.O. Manny Pacquiao [who himself beats up giant crabs -Ed.] … if he could land a suckerpunch to the side of his head.  Wahlberg explains, “If I can choke him and wrestle him than that’s it … but I don’t want to be, you know, getting picked apart by him … that’s not a good call.” [via TMZ]

GET IN CLOSAH, MAHKY!  THAT LITTLE ORIENNAL’S PICKIN’ YOU APAHT!  Anyway, I don’t know what was so shocking about that.  I could kick Mike Tyson in his prime’s ass too, provided he was blindfolded, handcuffed to a pole, and I kicked him square in the nuts really fast and ran away. But I guess THAT’S JUST THE WELKAH IN ME!  NEW YAWK SUCKS, DRAWPKICK RAWKS, SAY HI TO YA MOTHAH’S TWAWT FAH ME! (*puts whole town in reahview*)

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I’m suing the internet for not alerting me of this sooner, but it appears boxer Manny Pacquiao, who beat down Miguel Cotto for a title in his seventh weight class on Saturday night, appears in the upcoming Filipino superhero movie Wapakaman.

The latest picture from Topel Lee, Wapakman stars real life boxing champ Manny Pacquaio as a normal man who becomes a superhero and must battle – in this trailer alone – a woman with supersonic breasts, a man made of lava and, of course, a giant crab. [Twitch]

Short of pterodactyls and lesbians, it would be impossible to improve upon that synopsis.  My only hope is that once Pacquiao punches the giant crab to death, he puts his hands on his hips and says, “There.  You soft shell now.”

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