After the jump, I’ve got some kind of viral video for Mall Cop, which features Kevin James from King of Queens as a mall cop.  That’s really about as far as it goes where premise is concerned. Get it?  He rides a Segway.  He’s like Gob from Arrested Development except fatter and not funny! 

I think there should be a law that says viral videos have to be at least as funny as an IKEA commercial.

[via /Film]

Today Mall Cop, the upcoming Kevin James flick sure to revolutionize comedy as we know it, picked up a director – Daddy Day Care helmer Steve Carr. 

James recently starred in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, a movie I’d most closely compare to the time I paid a trannie to take a dump on my face.

Meanwhile, director Steve Carr’s resume includes Next Friday, Dr. Doolittle 2, Daddy Day Care, Rebound ("Martin Lawrence’s poorest performing film to date"), and Are We Done Yet (hilarious Ebert and Roeper review here).  Roeper quote:

"It’s remarkable on two levels: one – it’s worse than one of the most unfunny movies I’ve ever seen, the original; two it exists in some kind of parallel universe where live-action characters behave like cartoons. This shouldn’t have been made as a sitcom pilot, let alone a feature film."

So who the hell is this guy, and why is he still allowed to make movies?  Well he doesn’t have a wikipedia page, but according to HollywoodFYI, his career  "began with his own design company called, The Drawing Board which created album covers for DefJam Records from artists such as LLCool J, Public Enemy, and Mary J. Blige."

I realize that doesn’t really answer the question, but it does fill me with rage.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the comedy club. There’s a famous graphic designer performing tonight, and if his wine label portfolio is any indication, it’s gonna be hilarious.

Kevin James has signed on to write, produce, and star in Mall Cop, for Happy Madison Productions. The "comedy" "centers on a mild-mannered security guard thrust into action when highly organized thieves take over his mall."

This, of course, is the same partnership that produced I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  What, you didn’t like that movie?  You must, like, read or something. 

I was lucky enough to catch the last 20 minutes of it when I snuck in after the Simpson’s movie ended.  There was a court room scene that was basically Mr. Smith Goes to Washington for mongoloids.  I think the case on the docket was "The People vs. Whether Being Gay is Really Cool". Between that and watching Click on an airplane, I’m convinced Adam Sandler is just messing with us, seeing how shitty a movie he can release and still make millions.   

I wish I cared enough about Kevin James to hate him.  He needs to be more like Dane Cook; be overexposed, get caught stealing jokes and release an emo song.  As it stands, he is to comedy what dinner at the Olive Garden is to Italian cuisine, or a Nickleback song is to music.