Most of today’s movie news is about which directors may or may not be doing which sequels to movies that aren’t even out yet and boring crap like that. Luckily FilmDrunkard Randy was kind enough to send me the movie poster you see on the left. On the right, Malin Akerman in Couples Retreat, in which she stars opposite a slew of A-listers. It’ll be her third movie this year after Watchmen and The Proposal, both of which earned or will earn $100 million dollars plus. And on the left… Heavy Petting. From 2007. I can’t believe that’s a real movie poster. And just to reiterate, that is actually the real movie poster. The tagline ends “and the dog that stands between them.” Yet the dog isn’t even between them. And it’s just a disembodied dog, it’s not like they would’ve had to make it sit still.
Naturally I also had to find the trailer. I started watching it, and at first I was all, “I can’t believe this doesn’t have a record scratch,” and then at 2:10, BOOM, there’s the f-ckin record scratch. Plus it has two whip cracks and a dog covering its eyes with its paws. Looks like I know what I’m doing tonight.
This one’s called Couples Retreat, directed by Peter Billingsley (the little kid from A Christmas Story, believe it or not), written by Jon Favreau, starring Vince Vaughn, Favreau, Jason Bateman, Kristin Davis, Kristen Bell, Malin Akerman, and that one fat black guy. Here’s how the project came about.
“Hey, we should make a movie in Tahiti. That way we can go dick around in Tahiti for a few months.
“Good idea. What’s it about?
“I dunno… Relationships?”
“Eh. Works for me.”
[also available in HD at Apple]
I don’t make it a habit to post every parody video that hoves into my view, but I thought this one was sort of cute. The premise is that Malin Akerman’s roommate, played by Nicol Paone (who also wrote the video), has started making money on the side by giving Watchmen fans the Silk Spectre Tour. Paone is relatively unknown, but has a part in Funny People, Judd Apatow’s next movie. Anyway, sorta funny. But it never answers the big question: what the f-ck kind of name is “Malin”? It sounds like something you’d do with partially digested food.
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First things first: I didn’t read the graphic novel, and though I have a vague idea what’s in it, if you’re looking an outline of all the differences between the book and the movie or how faithful the film is to the book, look elsewhere. And anyway, it’s a movie, it’s not your boyfriend. Queer.
Now then: the ending sucks, it’s a little too long, and by the end the story’s loose ends dangle like retarded squid tentacles (rather than being all tied up in a pretty, glitter-covered package like the strippers in my basement). But Watchmen is a SUCCESS. It’s worth watching and re-watching despite its flaws, on the strength of the fictional universe it creates, the chances it’s willing to take, and the random people it’s willing to kill in gruesome and hilarious ways. The film has balls. And though it pains me to say it, Zack Snyder just might be the visionary they’ve made him out to be.
Watchmen takes place in an alternate 1985, a world in which superheroes are real and Nixon is still president (because the superheroes helped him win Vietnam, you see). Meanwhile, these events have exacerbated the Cold War, and the world is on the brink of nuclear apocalypse. It can’t be overstated, the setting is the star of the film. Probably 99% of the time, what you get in movies is a cinematic universe that’s either wholly fictional, or a world that’s more or less the same as the real one. Watchmen treads a middle line, which is different and compelling in and of itself, and for the most part it manages to get the best of worlds. It feels familiar and the history is relevant, but it’s still an escapist fantasy in which anything can happen, and it’s okay that part of you was amused when that pregnant chick got shot (maybe? not even a little?).
