I have some sad news to report, which is why I have this tear drop tattoo: Adam McKay has announced via Twitter that Paramount has passed on Anchorman 2.  (Do you think if it had been 2010, Nixon would have announced his resignation on Twitter?)  Paramount owns the project, so it can’t be made at another studio.

The question is, how sad should we be?  Sure, I probably would’ve  bought a ticket to Anchorman 2, but Adam McKay and Will Ferrell always have a billion projects in development at any given time, so it’s not like we won’t see the jokes that would’ve gone into Anchorman 2 somewhere else.  It would’ve been nice to see that cast back together now that they’ve all become movie stars in their own right, but as a wise man once told me, you can’t build a house in the past and try to live there, and you can’t sleep at our frat anymore, you’re 29.

The question is, why would Paramount pass?  I did a quick search for the last Paramount project I covered on FilmDrunk, and oh would you look at that, it was the f*cking magic eight-ball movie.  They passed on a project millions of people want, but plan to spend millions on one NO ONE IN THE WORLD WANTS.  Does anyone think we’ll actually ever see a magic 8-ball movie?  Might as well feed the money to David Lynch’s cow.  I don’t know how a person who makes these kind of decisions can feed himself, let alone be allowed to run a company.  So do me a favor and write your congressman, and tell them everyone at Paramount should be thrown in retard prison.

Satire is obsolete.  After a

Paramount Pictures has decided audiences are finally ready to embrace the Zen simplicity that is Magic 8 Ball: The Motion Picture.

Universal is gone, and now Paramount has assigned as producer its former production chief, Brad Weston.  The Paramount plan, we hear, is to turn Magic 8 Ball into a sort of live-action National Treasure–style action-adventure movie.  Weston has hired non-clairvoyant screenwriters Jon Gunn and John Mann to fashion a script; the pair have been busy writing DreamWorks Animation’s Boo U., a film about a ghost who — ineffective at haunting the living — is sent back to school to learn how to become a more frightening specter. [Vulture]

Let’s think about this:  The entire concept of the Magic 8-Ball toy is essentially a fancy pair of dice.  You mean to tell me that Hasbro is so f*cking bankrupt of ideas that they can’t come up with a better idea THAN F*CKING DICE??  That their BEST IDEA is to spend TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS on a fancy commercial for THE MAGIC F*CKING 8-BALL?  This is mind boggling.  Not just that something like this can actually happen, but that the guy who came up with it wasn’t instantly strung up by his feet and hit repeatedly in the testicles like a piñata.  The only magic 8-balls I want to see are the ones Quentin Tarantino snorts to give him his awesome ideas.

QUENTIN: Dear Magic 8-Ball, will the wizard appear tonight?  *snort*

WIZARD: Signs point to yes.  Also, listen to this rockin’ jam I just recorded.  No one else can hear it but you, because you are the coolest.