Starring, you guessed it, your mom

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for Hysteria, premiering at TIFF, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Hugh “Fancy” Dancy in the story of how Mortimer Granville invented the first vibrator (based on a true story). That’s right, the vibrator was invented by a dude named “Mort.” The title comes from the term “female hysteria”, a commonly diagnosed ailment during Victorian times whose symptoms included:

Faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and “a tendency to cause trouble“.

Or in modern parlance, “Women be shoppin’.” Victorian England was apparently plagued with droves of these uppity dames, flapping their gums, nagging, and generally being bitchy, and the only solution, then, as now, was genital stimulation, which many patients would receive from their psychiatrist, so that they could get back to making sandwiches (which had been invented the previous summer). In other words, there was nothing a deep d*cking couldn’t cure. Granville’s innovation was inventing an electrical, penis-shaped device to do the job on its own so that English men wouldn’t have to muss their powdered wigs. He was a great man.

Read the rest of this entry »

Buried has a new poster out.  I’m offended that “‘Faux-artsy torture porn,’ -Vince Mancini, FilmDrunk.com” didn’t make their precious little list. And also that Ryan Reynolds is wearing a shirt.  For shame. [Collider]

Jim Carrey to star in Mr. Popper’s Penguins.  Mean Girls/Spiderwick Chronicles director Mark Waters will direct Carrey in an adaptation of the 1938 children’s book.  The contemporized plot: “a high-powered businessman suddenly inherits six penguins. As he gets acquainted with his winged roommates, Popper’s life quickly unravels: his swanky New York apartment is turned into a snowy winter wonderland, the deal he’s long been working on is derailed, and he almost lands in jail.  But thanks to his new charges, Popper comes to understand the importance of family – human and otherwise.”  Well that sounds like every comedy ever. “Damn you, penguins! (*record scratch*) You’ve covered my blueprints with snow! (*Trombone fart*) Now I’ll never make that important business meeting with the Japanese!(*sproing*)”  In related news, Tom Cruise has agreed to star in Amyl Popper’s Penguins, “as long as there are no gays in there.” |Deadline|

Maggie Gyllenhaal to star in Victorian vibrator drama. She’ll appear opposite Rupert Everett and Hugh Dancy in Hysteria, a romantic comedy about the London doctors who began treating “hysteria” (“a woman’s irritability, anger or unexplained tears”) with their new electrical device (replacing the previous treatment, a hearty throttling).  Before they could market it, the two would have to withstand a public smear campaign from Thomas Edison, who tried to demonstrate that their product was dangerous by vibrating to death an elephant’s vagina.  Which, coincidentally, is also the medical term for your mother’s condition. |Variety|

Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Adrien Brody rumored for the lead in Fantastic Four reboot.  Screenrant says Fox is looking at Meyers and Brody for the role of Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) and that Amber Heard is in the running for Sue Storm.  According to my sources, the film is still slated to screen as a Who Gives a Sh*t Channel exclusive.  In related news, I think I threw out my back dismissively wanking. |Screenrant|

USA Today debuts first picture from Ron Howard’s The Dilemma.  That’s the one that stars Vince Vaughn as a guy who finds out his best friend Kevin James’ wife is cheating on him, written by Allan Loeb, the guy who wrote The Switch and 21.  Oof. I don’t know how you could possibly make that sound worse.  Says USA Today: “Plus, a sibling cameo tradition continues: ‘Clint Howard has a nice turn.’”  (*screams, dives through plate-glass window*)

Jeff Bridges stars in Crazy Heart, a film already drawing comparisons to The Wrestler.  It’s still got a guy singin’ about a three-legged dog on a one-way road to nowheretown, only this time, he’s the main character.

Bad Blake is a broken-down, hard-living country music singer who’s had way too many marriages, far too many years on the road and one too many drinks way too many times. And yet, Bad can’t help but reach for salvation with the help of Jean (MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL), a journalist who discovers the real man behind the musician. As he struggles down the road of redemption, Bad learns the hard way just how tough life can be on one man’s crazy heart. [Apple]

I’m not sure if The Dude is supposed to be Merle Haggard or Waylon Jennings, but either way, I think by “salvation” they mean “a way younger chick’s vagina.”   It’s the American dream.

A couple new Dark Knight TV spots premiered the other night on Survivor.  I reposted them here since no one under 60 actually watches that show.  You can see them after the jump, along with a slew of new high-res pictures. 

From what I’ve seen, Ledger’s pretty much a lock for Best Supporting Actor.  He’ll need to keep his fingers crossed that an aging actor who’s been shut out thus far doesn’t play a retarded concentration camp musician, but otherwise he’s a sure thing.  What’s that – he’s dead?  Oh yeah, um, I guess someone will have to cross his fingers for him.  What’s that, too soon?  Yeah, well, so’s your face.

See the other TV spot and the rest of the pictures over at /film.