Oh, rich white chicks. Is there anything they love more than directing period piece love stories? Today brings us the trailers for two such stories. The first for the British royal Madonna drama, W.E., the other for Angelina Jolie’s tale of forbidden love in the Balkans, In the Land of Blood and Honey. Sidenote, I really enjoy the phrase “Madonna drama.” “Sorry, Roy, I won’t be coming into the plant today.” “Aw, Bill, that’s too bad. What’s the matter?” “Oh, you know. Just Madonna drama.”

The trailer for W.E. is above. Here’s the rundown:

W.E. is a romantic exploration of the mysterious connection across decades between two women confronting the consequences of desire. Caught in a loveless Manhattan marriage, abused and frustrated Wally (Abbie Cornish) obsesses over Wallis Simpson (Andrea Riseborough), the stylish American divorcee who captured the heart of Edward the VIII (James D’Arcy) who abdicated the throne as King of England. As the Duchess of Windsor, Wallis spends the rest of her life in the glare of celebrity exile. Inspired by the Duchess‟ determination to pursue love in the face of social exile, Wally escapes into the arms of another man (Oscar Isaac) whose love sets her free. [LiveforFilms]

Oh no, you mean he gave up his duties as England’s fake king for a life of rich, white, NON-ROYAL leisure? My stars, love truly does conquer all. What a brave man, to give up all that ceremonial title for… (*checks wikipedia*) …a governorship of the Bahamas followed by a 30-year retirement to France. Thanks, Madonna, this story is truly an inspiration to us all. (I got through approximately 25 seconds of that trailer. You?)

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Madonna is still trying to fight back against all the bad publicity she got over that hydrangeas incident in Venice, but it’s not going very well, because she’s still the type of person who thinks “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas” is a reasonable statement for a person to make. Last week her rep issued a response over the incident, saying:

“She’s entitled to like any flower she wants and she didn’t want to hurt the feeling of the hydrangeas of the world. No disrespect to the hydrangeas lovers of the world but she prefers different types of flowers.”

Then more recently, she made the sarcastic video above apologizing to hydrangeas. Now, I hate to be Captain Obvious here, but guess what, you dumb old twat, no one cares that you don’t like hydrangeas (as ridiculous as that may be). It’s more that you couldn’t just accept a gift and go on thinking whatever you please without rolling your eyes and immediately making a big show about how you hate hydrangeas in your fake British accent. Rampant pro-hydrangea bias is not to blame for people thinking you’re a bitch. Way to make a video focusing solely on the hydrangea angle though, it really shows you have a sense of humor about yourself. YAY, SHE’S JUST LIKE US!

In other more-great-publicity-for-Madonna news, she’s still at the Toronto Film Festival promoting her film W.E., and word from the festival is that festival volunteers were ordered to stare at the wall when she walked by backstage.

Madonna was all smiles and compliments for Canada in general and TIFF in particular, when she visited the festival Monday to promote her new film, W.E. One observer even heard her thank the festival’s orange-shirted volunteers.
It was a bit of a different story backstage, however, when eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film. One volunteer told the Globe they all dutifully stood with their backs to her as she passed. [GlobeandMail via Superficial]

I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here, because DON’T-LOOK-THEM-IN-THE-EYES stories in relation to celebrities are as old as time, and it’s hard to imagine someone famous not knowing that that kind of thing makes them look like an A-hole. Also, it says the volunteers “were told” to look at the wall. It doesn’t say who told them. Madonna’s reps? Festival organizers? Reps are always making ridiculous demands their bosses don’t know about and probably wouldn’t sanction. F*ck it, it was probably straight from Madonna. If she’s out-of-touch enough to think she’s convinced people she’s British and that people were only mad at her because they love hydrangeas, she’s totally capable of demanding that proles keep their peasant eyes off her majesty. I’ve heard she eats babies and drinks pee. True story.

Here’s a nice video of Madonna, in Venice to promote her near-universally panned sophomore directorial effort, W.E., receiving a huge flower from an adoring fan. A flower she quickly stuffs under a table and at which she naturally turns up her nose, rolling her eyes and saying, in her finest fake British accent, “I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. …He obviously doesn’t know that.”

BUGGA ME NORKS, GUV. NOW BE A GOOD BLOKE AND BRING DA LORRIE ROUND, ME AN DA PUNTAHS ‘AS GOT A FOOTY GAME TA CATCH, WE’S ‘AS!

To be fair, the second half of that sentence was actually Madonna being charitable. “This knave bears woefully unsuitable tribute, BUT! I AM A KIND AND JUST QUEEN! There’s simply no way his peasant mind could fathom how accustomed I am to being feted with nature’s most vivid expression of feminine beauty. So accustomed, in fact, that certain forms efflorescence, no matter how fresh, BORE her majesty to the point of NAUSEA AND REVULSION! But one cannot assail a prole for simple ignorance! ‘Twould be akin to prosecuting her majesty for worldliness and sophistication. SPARE HIM THE RACK! ALL SHALL HEAR OF MY MERCIFULNESS! FETCH ME MORE VIRGIN BLOOD FOR THE ROYAL VAGINA REJUVENATION RITUALS!”

Great lady.

[via AndyMartini]

The Weinstein Company has announced that they’ll be distributing the Madonna-directed film W.E., set to begin a tiered release December 9th, which is of course the heart of Oscar season, as it’s known to myself and the gays.  The hope seems to be that one becomes an Oscar-winning director solely by being comically over-accessorized. “HEY, P.A.! DON’T JUST STAND THERE, BRING ME MORE GLASSES AND ANOTHER SCARF! I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST!”

Madonna’s narrative feature directorial debut…

Actually it’s not, and keep in mind this quote is from the official Weinstein Co press release. Her first narrative feature was 2008′s Filth and Wisdom, which I haven’t seen, but the first two keywords on IMDB are “Gypsy” and “Female Sitting On A Toilet,” so it sounds pretty good.

Co-written by Madonna and Alek Keshishian, W.E. looks at the fabled romance between American Wallis Simpson and Britain’s King Edward VIII, who famously gave up the throne to marry the woman he loved. More than six decades later, their story enthralls a young woman named Wally Winthrop, who thinks she sees in their devotion a stark contrast to her own unhappy marriage – and an example to follow as she searches for the meaning of true love. The cast features Abbie Cornish, Andrea Riseborough, James D’Arcy and Oscar Isaac.

Ooh, it sounds like Letters to Juliet meets The King’s Speech!  I mean, not really MY cup of tea, per se, but Oscar voters are consistently captivated by the problems of the British aristocracy, whether they be stuttering or just standing around acting constipated looking like Judy Dench, and Madonna is great at fake British accents so this should be perfect.  Although something tells me the story of Edward the Eighth is going to make me long for the days of Henry the Eighth.

Looking at that headline, I now realize having both “tranny” and “Madonna” is a bit redundant.  Mee-ow!  That’s right, boys, this pussy has claws.  Anyway, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland has a new featurette focusing on Johnny Depp’s character, the Mad Hatter.  In between the cool footage, we get to see Johnny Depp looking bored as he’s forced to describe his character as if it’s a real person, as actors always are in these dumb things.  Not that I blame him.  Also, wouldn’t it be cooler if the Mad Hatter wasn’t mad as in crazy from the Mercury poisoning, but just irrationally pissed off all the time?  Just full of impotent, blue-collar rage?  AGGHHHH, I F*CKING HATE MAKING HATS!   *punts Cheshire Cat in the face*

[hat tip: FilmSchoolRejects]