I won’t mince words, I’m a huge fan of dopey voiceover work. You probably don’t remember this, but a few years ago, Vin Diesel starred in a movie called Babylon AD, and the voiceover in that trailer was so dumb that it inspired me to write fan-fiction with it. But there’s a new contender after the dumb-talk title, After Earth, starring Will Smith and one of his dumb wiener kids, the boy. While you won’t find “From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan…” anywhere near this one (marketing dept finally learned their lesson, it seems), the hard-boiled, half-baked voice over leaves little doubt as to the authorship.

QUICK, TO THE EXPOSITION!

We used to celebrate our planet, once a year, on Earth Day.

As BadassDigest points out, the marketing tie-in here is that Monday was Earth Day, making yesterday… you guessed it, AFTER EARTH DAY. Who cooked this up, Rebecca Black? And Sunday comes after…

But one day… wasn’t enough to save it.

MESSAGE. Yeah, I bet you think you’re doing something, all content to plant your Earth day trees in your Tom’s shoes. Lotta good that’s gonna do you when you’re staring at Will Smith’s dumb face on a space pod after the ice caps melt. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, society.

In 2071, we were forced to leave our world, and find a new home. We never thought we’d return. Crash landed.

I like the “crash landed” part, because it literally describes the exact thing we just watched happen. Also, how bad is this CG?

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Will and Jaden Smith prepare to watch The Last Airbender

Did you ever dream that one day Will Smith and his obnoxious son would team up with M. Night Shyamalan for a sci-fi film in the vein of Avatar? …Yeah, me, neither. I guess I lack a “European sensibility.” But for the rest of you paté-toting exposition lovers, today brings us the trailer for After Earth, M. Night Shyamalan’s follow up to The Last Airbender (combined RottenTomatoes score of Shyamalan’s last three movies: 47%), starring Will Smith and Jaden Smith, as a future general and his son crash landed and trying to survive on a now-dangerous Earth. Check out the trailer after the jump, but I warn you, Will Smith’s accent is a Keanu-in-Dracula level train wreck. It is glorious.

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Say what you will about M. Night Shalamidong, if you’ve seen any of his films since Lady in the Water, you know that he’s really committed to this whole becoming-the-worst-director-in-the-universe thing. It’s actually kind of impressive. Movies as bad as Lady in the Water and The Last Airbender usually only come along once in a generation. Of course, none of this applies if you have a “European sensibility,” in which case he’s great. (*inhales fart, spreads own poop on baguette*).

His next project stars Jaden Smith, because at this point, why not, and it’s called After Earth. It’s a sci-fi film that tells of a dystopian future where all the actors have died off and all that’s left are the obnoxious wiener kids of megalomaniacal celebrities using them as living extensions of their “brand.” The big twist at the end is herp-a-derpaly hee haw (*fart noise*)

Incidentally, the picture came from Jaden Smith’s WhoSay account, accompanied by the caption “#afterearthswag.” Now, I know Chet Haze would probably disagree with me on this, but I’m of the opinion that kids born into millions of dollars shouldn’t use the word “swag.” Having self-confidence isn’t much of an achievement when you’ve inherited an army of people whose job it is to kiss your ass. What you’re thinking of is “brag.”

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Ahh, reminds me of my own childhood.

Game over, man, game over.

M. Night Shyamalan is in Hollywood this week putting together his next directorial effort, but it won’t be the secret untitled project he shopped around in June. That script, which came with Bruce Willis, Bradley Cooper and Gwyneth Paltrow loosely attached, never found a buyer and was quietly shelved. [*frownie face*]
Sources are saying Shyamalan is developing an ultra clandestine sci-fi project titled “One Thousand A. E.” at Smith’s Overbrook production company. It would star Smith’s son, Jaden, who headlined the hit remake of “Karate Kid.” There is a key role for a male adult, although sources said Will Smith is not taking it on. As was also the case with recent film “The Last Airbender,” Shyamalan did not write “A.E.” [sic. Shyamalan DID write Airbender, I assume he means Devil, which Shyamalan neither wrote nor directed, but still doomed by putting his name on all the trailers and posters. -Ed.] That honor goes to Gary Whitta, who wrote “The Book of Eli” and a Kurt Russell project in development called “Undying.” [THR]

It’s so nice to see Jaden Smith getting more movie roles.  But you know what they say, if the Smith kids owe their success to anything, it’s… HARD WORK.

Willow Smith has confessed that she is proud of herself for having secured a record deal at such a young age.
“It felt like all the hard work paid off, mostly that,” she told MTV News about the signing.
“Like all the hard work that I’ve done, like recording ‘Whip My Hair’ – it’s paid off.” [DigitalSpy]

I know, I know, it’s probably unfair take an out-of-context-quote and use it against a 9-year-old.  She’s 9, she doesn’t know any better.  But hey, I’m not the one who named her after myself and had her make a music video like a f*cking sociopath.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Which father/offspring duo are the best actors?

That M. Night Shyamalan is still being invited to speak as an expert or even respected film director at conventions and film festivals is a bit of a giggle-maker for me. But when he stands in front of crowds and waxes poetic about a medium that he consistently teabags, and to an audience that he mocks with his very presence, I can’t help but snort and chortle. Needless to say, Manny spoke at Variety’s 3D Entertainment Summit last night and he was every bit as self-serving and arrogant as you could expect.

For starters, the director – whose only 3D experience is with The Last Airbender, mind you – said that he considers 3D to be a tool for surprising audiences. To which 3D replied, “And likewise.” But he feels like there’s something about 3D that hurts the experience, perhaps with awful 3D films like The Last Airbender, and it’s that one simple factor that is to blame – the glasses.

Join me, won’t you, for an orgy of Mannytastic quotes after the jump.

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