Ah, it’s nice to be excited for a movie for a change.  Middle Men premiered at the Santa Barbara Film Festival where it was picked up for distribution by Paramount Vantage, and now it’s scheduled for an August theatrical run.  Written and directed by George Gallo, who wrote Midnight Run in 1988 and a bunch of random crap after that, Middle Men follows Giovanni Ribisi, James Caan, Gabriel Macht, and Luke Wilson playing a fictionalized version of Christopher Malick, the first guy to figure out how to charge credit cards for porn site access over the internet — a man who indirectly helped put food on my table for years.

Maybe I’m a little weird, but I’m fascinated by the internet porn phenomenon.  It’s barely 10 years old.  And about five years into it, I actually re-learned how to pleasure myself using my left hand (so that my right could control the mouse, commanding my virtual orgies like a Roman emperor).  I know, I know, too much information, but think about that:  How many eons of evolution were undone by the simple development of boobies on a computer screen?  So much so that a dumb primate like me could re-train itself to use its non-dominant hand for a daily activity?  That’d be like a shark one day deciding to swim backwards from now on because the water felt good on his butt hole.  Wouldn’t happen.  And that, my friends, is why we’re better than the sharks.

[HD available at Apple, hat tip: /Film]

Believe it or not, for Luke Wilson, this past year has been about more than just superior cell service and gravy bongs; he also made a movie.  It’s called Middle Men, it just got bought by Paramount for release next year, and it tells the true story of the guys who pioneered internet porn, a subject near and dear to my heart, boner, and past work experience.

Jack Harris [Wilson] has a faithful and loving wife, two beautiful children, and a successful career fixing problem companies. When an associate calls him about an opportunity to help turn around a business that has fallen into trouble, he decides to take the job. Little does he know, it is a decision that will change his life in ways he never expected. Jack meets with Wayne Beering [Giovanni Ribisi] and Buck Dolby [Gabriel Macht], two genius but troubled men who have invented a way to sell adult entertainment over the Internet. The plan was brilliant but the execution wasn’t — they were making money hand-over-fist and losing it just as fast. Seeing the potential, Jack agrees to partner with Buck and Wayne, devising a way to bill the entertainment through a third party, taking the guilt out of the ultimate guilty pleasure. Before he knows it, he finds himself caught between the Russian mob, a 23- year-old porn star, the FBI, and losing his family in the process of becoming rich. Witness a story so outrageous, you won’t believe it’s true. A story that proves business is a lot like sex…getting in is easy, pulling out is hard. [/Film]

Time out, getting in is easy?  If that were true, you wouldn’t be making a movie about internet porn, now would you. For that lazy metaphor, I’m gonna cover you with my chloroform hanky and take you on the snoozy train to rape town.

Luke Wilson is in a movie again, fresh off his peformance in Jessica Simpson-vehicle Blonde Ambition, which, to its credit, did debut at number one in the Ukraine. But stateside, it was a $48 dollar-a-screen-grossing disaster, and most critics described it as harder to sit through than a snuff film starring your grandparents.   Okay, I made that last part up, but it seems applicable.

Luke Wilson defended his appearance in the film, telling friends, "Whatever, man, she has huge jugs."  Wait, hold on, I’m getting a report – sorry, it that was actually Joe Simpson who said that.  Sorry for the mixup.

Anyway, Wilson’s new film is called Henry Poole is Here, and he plays the title character, a guy who insists on spending his life alone until a watermark on his house that looks like the Virgin Mary changes his plans.  

In a related story, I painted a picture of the virgin in art class and some kid said it looked like a horse so I shot him.  Nobody talks shit on Jesus’ mom.  Okay, actually I just pissed myself and had to go to the office and change into some girls’ sweatpants, but later I painted a picture of myself shooting the kid.  Guess you’ll think twice before you mess with me, huh pal.  

If you can actually get this clip from JoBlo to work, you can watch a montage of clips from Jessica Simpson’s Blonde Ambition, the rocketbullet to superstardom that grossed $48 per screen in its limited theater run.

It’s about as funny as watching Knüt the polar bear get beheaded by terrorists.

Reached for comment, Joe Simpson said, "Whatever, bro, look how hot Jess’ tits look.  Those babies are so swoll, Christ I wanna lick em.  I had half a rod the entire movie, and she’s my daughter.  Seriously, is everybody queer or something?"