A Maniac in a Fartmobile: Reflections on Arnold, January Movies, and Metallica

Look, I know, it’s January. Reviewing a movie released in January is like trying to write a restaurant review about a package of Skittles. January is the Spanx under which movie studios hide their most embarrassing, flabby attempts at profit. You might as well have to sign a terms and conditions agreement on the way in, promising not to expect much or think about the film beyond something to occasionally grunt at while you hork down a paint bucket of cola. But fine, I like dumb things. Pass me the tack hammer and hit me with your finest catchphrase.

Lionsgate did their best to build buzz around The Last Stand like it was a real movie, hiring culty Korean director Kim Jee-woon (The Good, the Bad, the Weird) and sending Arnold Schwarzenegger on a goodwill tour that included a Reddit AMA and tank rides for Los Angeles film writers at a junket-carnival. But nothing Lionsgate can do will paper over the giant flashing light that says “PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK!” once the movie begins. The Last Stand plays like a commercial for a videogame meets a commercial for a car meets a trailer for “Arnold Schwarzenegger: Movie Star.” It’s both too dumb and not dumb enough.

[Read the rest at the Portland Mercury]

After a seven-year hiatus (not counting his Expendables cameo) that saw him govern a state, and fill all his maids full of jizz (ALL ZA TIME I AM CUMMING!), Arnold Schwarzenegger is back doing movies. This morning he tweeted this picture from the set of Kim Jee-Woon‘s The Last Stand. From left, that’s Luis Guzmán (one of my favorite character actors of all time), Johnny Knoxville, the Austrian Oak himself, and FilmDrunk Fan Club President Jaimie Alexander (lookin’ good, miss lady!). I like to imagine Luis Guzmán keeps pronouncing her name “High-may.”

Schwarzenegger stars as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled. After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members. He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of the U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever. At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history. [ComingSoon]

Resigned former cop… escaped drug kingpin… Wait, is the hostage Arnold’s niece, daughter, or wife? I think the stakes would be higher if it was someone with whom he used to eat ice cream and feed deer in the forest. Communicated in flashback, of course. And also, if Jason Statham could be the drug kingpin, and the “specially outfitted car” a flash sazz wagon, this would combine literally everything that I like.

A new batch of clips from Fighting aka OMG OMG Channing Tatum Shirtless aka Freddy Got Fisted was released today, including the one above, entitled “Shawn fights the Korean opponent.”  Which is odd, because the “Korean opponent” is actually Cung Le, who’s Vietnamese-American and a former Sanshou champion (Sanshou being a Chinese variation of kickboxing that incorporates trips and wrestling throws and oh god why do I know this).  The best part is watching Terrence Howard in the background.  You can tell his soul has a hard time absorbing all this violence.  He just thinks the world would be a silkier place if cats could learn to love each other.  Now dig this vibe, man.  *bongo playing*
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After the jump, I’ve got the full poster and trailer for Nothing Like the Holidays.  Debra Messing accompanies her new husband John Leguizamo home to celebrate Christmas with his family and, ¡Ay Dios mio!  They’re all Mexican Puerto Rican!  (Seriously, does Hollywood have something against Mexicans?  “Mexican” just has a nicer ring to it.)

I’m not gonna lie, despite the cheesy concept and horrible poster and the fact that it’s a Christmas movie, it doesn’t look that awful.  John Leguizamo, Alfred Molina, and Freddy Rodriguez are all fine actors.  But still, no Danny Trejo?  He better show up during the climactic dinner scene.

“Deedju meess me, puto?” 
*pulls out a shotgun and blasts Molina in the chest*

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JFX online has a clip of Jim Carrey singing ‘Jumper’ by Third Eye Blind to Luis Guzmán, shot by a bystander on the set of Yes Man, which was apparently filmed in a windstorm.  Yes Man, of course, is about a guy who challenges himself to say yes to everything for an entire year, based on a memoir by Danny Wallace:

Wallace, a freelance radio producer for the BBC in London, takes three simple words uttered by a stranger on a bus-"say yes more"-as a challenge and says "yes" to everything for a year. He says "yes" to pamphleteers on the street, the credit card offers stuffing his mailbox and solicitations on the Internet. He attends meetings with a group that believes aliens built the pyramids in Egypt, says "yes" to every invitation to go out on the town and furthers his career by saying "yes" in meetings with executives.

That’s funny, because my top two responses to someone writing a self-help book would be "Go fuck yourself" and "jump in a volcano." And obviously the book was meant solely for men.  A woman who said yes to everything would basically be… like your mother! Wakka wakka wakka!