Han and Boba Fett on the set, with George Lucas

Start praying for some non-Star Wars news, you guys. The latest is that stand-alone movies about Han Solo and Boba Fett are reportedly in the wanks. Er, works.

Entertainment Weekly has learned details on two of the spin-off projects: A young Han Solo saga, focusing on the wisecracking smuggler’s origin story, and a bounty hunter adventure with Boba Fett at the center of a rogue’s gallery of galactic scum. Sources close to the projects confirmed this was the direction the development was taking, although they cautioned it’s still very early in the process.

The Han Solo story would take place in the time period between Revenge of the Sith and the first Star Wars (now known as A New Hope), so although it’s possible Harrison Ford could appear as a framing device, the movie would require a new actor for the lead — one presumably much younger than even the 35-year-old Ford when he appeared in the 1977 original.

The Boba Fett film would take place either between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, or between Empire and Jedi, where the bounty hunter was last seen plunging unceremoniously into a sarlacc pit. Exactly who would play him isn’t much of a complication – in the original trilogy, he never took off his helmet. And in the prequels, we learned he was the son of the original stormtrooper clone, played by Temuera Morrison, who’s still the right age for the part if his services were required.

No word on whether this juicy rumor nugget contradicts or complements the one about the Yoda movie. I want to say something about this, but it’s like my ability to give a shit has been frozen in carbonite. Really, we’re going to make all of these movies? Aren’t stories like this why they used to have those Star Wars novels? In any case, I think we all know what this project needs: that’s right, Channing Tatum as Han Solo. “Ayo, Chew, ya boy hype drive actin mad whack, son.”

With Karl Urban being the obvious choice for Boba Fett. If Dredd 3D proved anything, it’s that the dude can wear the f*ck out of a helmet.

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Disney has a lot of big plans for Star Wars, because that’s what you do when you acquire a new brand, you talk big about how important it is and announce crazy plans to make it mega super awesome. They first declared they’d be making a Star Wars VII and hired JJ Abrams to direct, even though he’s already directing Star Trek, which is kind of like the same guy being in charge of Coke and Pepsi. Yesterday, Harry Knowles said Disney was also planning stand-alone Star Wars movies, starting with one based on Yoda. Now Disney has confirmed plans to make stand-alone movies, which makes Knowles’ Yoda scoop seem highly likely. It’s still no guarantee that it will actually happen (we’ll get to that), but it proves that they want to.

Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed for investors that his company has lined up Lawrence Kasdan and Simon Kinberg to work on stand-alone Star Wars movies. Disney acquired Lucasfilm in a $4.05 billion transaction last year.

Kasdan’s work has been sort of meh as a director, but he did co-write The Empire Strikes Back, the only Star Wars movie that really stands the test of time for me. He also wrote Raiders of the Lost Ark, and his son Jake directed the criminally underseen/underrated Walk Hard. Simon Kinberg wrote Sherlock Holmes and This Means War (woof).

As THR first reported, Kasdan and Kinberg are working on separate films that will serve as spinoffs of the main new trilogy.

Of course, take all of this with a grain of salt (tequila optional). LucasFilm (pre-Disney) had also announced plans for a 3D re-release of the prequels, only to cancel when the first one underperformed and no one seemed particularly excited about it. Are we really so starved for Star Warses that we’ll shell out for a new trilogy AND an unspecified number of stand-alone movies, with writers doing backflips to keep the continuity straight all the while? It seems unlikely, but my generation are idiots, so who knows.

Speaking of not being particularly excited, does this whole Disney thing mean I can’t make fun of George Lucas and his racecar bed and the money pouch beneath his chin and his insatiable appetite for cats every time there’s Star Wars news now? Is that over? I gotta try to make fun of Bob freakin’ Iger now? (pictured, above). Oy. I mean I’ll do it, but it’s going to be much less fun. Just look at that dude. He makes Mitt Romney look like Frank Zappa. Ten bucks says the motherf*cker’s gluten-free.

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I get the dismissive wanks in my wrist every time I report one of these Star Wars or superhero rumors, but God help us, everyone on the internet is obsessed with this stuff. Unless the revolution is fought with bacon and misplaced nostalgia, we’re all f*cked. Anyway, we already know that Disney bought LucasFilm and hired JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars VII. Now, Harry Knowles says Disney will also be making “stand-alone” Star Wars movies, starting with one about Yoda. Obnoxious, I’m sure a whole movie of that won’t be.

But really, what’s Disney going to be doing with these STAND ALONE films…
Well, to start with they’re going to focus on established characters and do solo films, no, not necessarily Han Solo films, but well, f*ck it…   The first Stand Alone film is going to center upon YODA.  At this stage specifics are sparse, but Kathleen Kennedy is putting together a STAR WARS slate…  I’m wildly curious for more details on the YODA film – would this be a young or old YODA tale?
Knowing that Lucasfilm is doing a series of stand alone character features…  I wonder if Joe Johnston has pitched Kennedy his stand alone BOBA FETT film he was talking about after the release of Captain America.   Hmmmmm…   Now, let’s chase after YODA details…  Where’s FRANK OZ?  Giggle.  Gotta love chasing STAR WARS stories!  Oh – and I’ve also heard tale of a JABBA story that Lucas has floated to some of his buddies.  But word is YODA is first. [AICN]

George Lucas has “buddies?” I’m assuming that means his stuffed animals. Anyway, it’s hard to say how preliminary the talk is at this point. Does anyone care about a Yoda movie? Hypothetically speaking? Other than an eager Andy Serkis, hopefully fitting himself with pointy ears in preparation? See, this is my problem with the Star Wars phenomenon in a nutshell. I like the first three movies fine, but Disney buying Lucasfilm was sort of like Coke buying A&W root beer. Will they make new root beer?? I mean, I guess. Put it this way, I’ve seen Pulp Fiction countless times and would’ve called it my favorite movie for many years, but if you told me Miramax was making a stand-alone movie about Butch the boxer, I imagine my reaction would be something along the lines of “Huh? Why?”

I’ll be interested in this only if they cast Luis Guzman as Yoda’s sidekick, and he starts all of his lines with “Mira, Joda!” Obi Juan Kenobi, say.

According to a report by The Wrap, Super 8/Star Trek director JJ Abrams is set to take on Star Wars Episode VII for the newly Disney-acquired incarnation of Lucasfilm. With JJ Abrams involved, my level of interest in this project has been officially raised from *shrug* to Code Mouthfart.

Haha, something something lens flares.

Lucasfilm Chief Kathleen Kennedy has been courting Abrams, one of the most successful directors and producers in Hollywood — and a man beloved by fanboys. He runs one of the industry’s top production companies, Bad Robot, and created or co-created television franchises like “Lost,” “Fringe” and “Alias.” He has also directed film spectacles “Mission: Impossible III,” “Star Trek” and “Super 8.”

The lure of the Jedi was too strong, and it will no doubt complicate his relationship with Paramount, where Bad Robot is a top supplier. Abrams has been feverishly working on “Star Trek Into Darkness,” his second Star Trek film since he rebooted the franchise in 2009. “Into Darkness,” still in post-production, opens May 18.

The same guy is directing both Star Wars and Star Trek, shouldn’t that be illegal? I bet some 35-year-old virgins are none to happy about this. Not me though, I get tons of pussy. I have this really hot girlfriend, she goes to Stanford.

I’d like to see a very special Episode of Star Wars, where Han Solo goes to a Take Back The Night rally.

I am openly and unconditionally in the tank for the insane videos produced by Taiwan’s NMA Studios, so when I saw that they put one together on the Disney-Lucasfilm merger I immediately cleared the next three minutes of my very busy schedule and clicked play. I was not disappointed. The video starts — STARTS — with a cigar-smoking Mickey Mouse handing a $4 billion check to George Lucas in a strip club and proceeding to walk out arm-in-arm with Princess Leia, and it somehow manages to get even better from there. I don’t want to spoil the whole thing for you more than I already have with the headline and banner image, but I will say that (a) The plot of this video is significantly more interesting than anything that happened in the three most recent Star Wars films, which is a statement I feel comfortable making even though I have not seen a single computer-generated second of any of them, and (b) I want the t-shirt at the 2:17 mark more than any of you can possibly imagine.

Never change, you weirdos. Do you hear me? NEVER.

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