Do you miss the kind of action star who wasn’t afraid to stare death in the face and tell a bawdy anecdote about its mother? Then you’re probably going to like this new trailer for Lock-Out (known as “MS One: Maximum Security” overseas), in which Guy Pearce plays a sort of cross between Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson and Big Trouble in Little China Kurt Russell, who has to infiltrate a space prison to save that annoying blonde chick from Lost, and… you know what? I’m just going to copy the synopsis here, because it’s awesome.

A man wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S. is offered his freedom if he can rescue the president’s daughter from an outer space prison taken over by violent inmates.

Put the BUNNAY, back, in the space box…

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This is the trailer for Luc Besson’s Les Aventures Extrodinaire d’Adele Blanc-Sec, which looks basically like the French, female Indiana Jones (“Indiana” always seemed like a girl’s name anyway).  The trailer is all in French, but that hardly matters when pterodactyls are involved.

The film is the first in a projected trilogy of films based on the nine-volume series by French cartoonist Jaques Tardi. Set in 1912, Adèle Blanc-Sec is a reporter who, according to the AFM synopsis, “fearlessly battling crooks, corrupt politicians, demon worshippers and mad scientists” as “a 136 million-year old pterodactyl egg on a shelf in the natural history museum has mysteriously hatched, and the bird subjects the city to a reign of terror from the skies.” [via ThePlaylist]

That’s right, and did I mention a talking mummy?  Because that’s in there too.  And just when you’re like, “Wait, isn’t this a French movie?  What about the getting naked and smoking?”  BOOM!  She gets naked and starts smoking.

I’m a little rusty, but I believe “Blanc-Sec” is French for “Hair Diaper.”

This is the second trailer for Taken, starring Liam Neeson, which opens today.  This one gives us a little better idea of the plot, which sadly, is pretty much the plot of a John Cena movie.  In movies, the guy whose daughter or wife gets kidnapped is always a Navy SEAL or CIA Agent.  If they made the movie about me, my daughter would get kidnapped and the next scene would just be me photoshopping the kidnapper’s face onto a monkey’s butt.   This time, they messed with the wrong guy.

^{Is ‘connais’ French for ‘baby condom’?}

After the jump I’ve got the new trailer for From Paris With Love, from District B-13 director Pierre Morel and Luc Besson, starring John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers.  If you can figure out what the hell the French guy says at the 15-second mark, you get a prize.  I’ve rewound it about 17 times and still have no idea.  Anyway, I don’t know about you guys, but John Travolta in a bald pate and goatee aiming a bazooka directly at the camera makes me instinctively clench my butt cheeks.
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^{WATCH THE TRAILER FOR TAKEN AFTER THE JUMP} 

Taken (co-written by Luc Besson of The Professional fame) stars Liam Neeson as some kind of hardass who goes on a kill crazy rampage after some thugs kidnap his daughter (who’s played by the annoying-but-not-as-annoying-as-the-Australian-blonde chick from Lost).  The script looks fairly paint by numbers, but this could be good because Liam Neeson growls like a lion, and revenge flicks always have potential.  After all, revenge is the most universal human emotion.  Or maybe it was love…  Wait, is hunger an emotion?  Anyway, I love to eat.  Touch my food and I’ll fuckin kill you. 

Opens September 19th. 

Note: Every time I watch this it cuts out at the 1:24 mark. I have no idea why it’s doing that.  Robots, maybe?