I’m pretty sure this is how Lost is going to end.  Though I probably won’t see it, just like the last three episodes. [see more possible Lost endings at Atom]

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

OBEY TECHNO DOG. |CollegeHumor|

Burnsy’s latest awesome Uproxx feature about why Music and Sports should not procreate. |Uproxx|

Jones Soda makes Dungeons & Dragons-themed soda flavors, like loneliness and acne. |GammaSquad|

Meet “The Blademaster”, professional back yard cardboard killer. |HolyTaco|

This is my new favorite video of the year.  I call it “MC Pee Hands.” |WarmingGlow|

Ufford’s collection of Jamarcus Russell photoshops is pretty epic. |KissingSuzyKolber|

Stephen Colbert compares himself to House. |TVSquad|

13 goalie masks in pop culture. |Gunaxin|

How today’s star athletes might look when they’re old. |SportsPickle|

Check out M.I.A.’s newest single. This robot music ain’t really my cup o’ tea, but not everything can be They Might Be Giants, I guess. |SmokingSection|

Stan the Man Griffin sings “Spider-Dance”. |ComicsAlliance|

Babies can distinguish good from evil at six months.  Sorry, Danny Masterson. |Asylum|

A 300-style trailer for Epic Beard Man. |Urlesque|

Two new clips from Hobo with a Shotgun. Sadly, it looks kind of sh*tty. |ScreenJunkies|

Apologies, folks, as this may take some explaining:

So earlier this week, I received the above signed print of Lost producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and a Polar bear from Human Giant comedian Paul Scheer, along with a hand-written letter saying he’d be painting more Lost-related art and selling it on his website starting August 15th.  “I am to black velvet what Eko was to that stick,” he wrote.

Over on Scheer’s website, he says he’s been getting cease and desist orders from a mysterious entity known as “Ronie Midfew Arts”.  (Foo-arts?  Farts?)  He also posted this picture of his painting in the trash at the “Lost production office” supposedly sent to him by an ABC intern known as “Mr. Klugh.”  Get it?  Clue?  Subtle.

So then today I got this letter on “Ronie Midfew Arts” letterhead via FedEx. It’s basically a cease and desist letter telling me not to make copies of the polar bear painting.  Meanwhile, the Ronie Midfew Arts website is just one page that says “15 will be lost The 16th Will be found,” — I’m assuming a reference to August 15th, when Scheer said he was going to start selling his paintings. He also says on his website “Today I went to ABC today to find out the truth about what happened to my painting, but what I found was sooo much more…”  Mysterious.  I think maybe he visited the department of redundancy department.  Anyway, he says a video is forthcoming.

Yeah, so long story short, I assume this is all some kind of viral marketing stunt or eventually a guy in a gorilla suit is going hit me in the crotch with a pie (the punishment for gullibility). But I figured I might as well play along.  Because I like getting letters.  It makes me feel all important and old timey.  “Cor bloimey, guv, Oy’ve got a lett uh?  Jus’ put it under me top hat an’ Oy’ll read it whoilst Oy get me shoes shoined.”

And here I thought Michel Gondry’s painting of a tranny would have no competition this week.  But then Paul Scheer, who says he wants to be known as the Picasso of Pop Culture, sent me this picture of Lost producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and a polar bear.  He says he’ll be selling more Lost-inspired black velvet paintings on his website, DamonCarltonAndAPolarBear starting August 15th, and even hinted at black smoke monsters.  Which are much better dancers than white smoke monsters.

Daily Circle Jerk Links:

• A breakdown of Nic Cage’s seminal performance in Zandalee.  Must see. |AVClub|
• TV millionaires and how they made their millions, including the great robber baron, Scrooge McDuck. |GetBack|
• Hollywood’s hottest lazy eyes.  Pff, no Forest Whitaker?  How dare you.  Forest Whitaker is hotter than this entire list combined — and has a lazier eye. |OpenSports|
• Screenjunkies interviews Tucker Max and Beer in Hell co-writer Nils Parker.  Drunken sexy hijinks ensue. |ScreenJunkies|
• Oh how I wish this awesome water slide was real.  Still, nice to see CGI that doesn’t take out the Eiffel Tower.  Poor Eiffel Tower. |CollegeHumor|
• This Kitten Mittens promo for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia kills me every time.  Cat falling off the table FTW. |WarmingGlow|
• This Shake Weight infomercial makes me tingly in my wiener parts. |SmokingSection|
• A gallery of random Hello Kitty stuff.  A Hello Kitty assault rifle?  Yes, prease.  |Unreality|
• Here’s a chick who plays lingerie football. |Gunaxin|
• Girls lying down, a gallery. (Why couldn’t it be girls peeing?  So erotic…)  |HolyTaco|

Read the rest of this entry »

The fifth season of Lost premieres Wednesday January 21st, and ABC just released this two-minute preview.  In it, lawyers (who are they working for???) show up at Kate’s house, demanding that she and Aaron (wait, Aaron, that was the name of that insufferable Australian bitch’s kid!!) submit to blood tests.  But Kate won’t do it!  Atta girl, Freckles!  Could the black smoke monster have something to do with this??  And what of the polar bears?? And who’s been waxing Sawyer’s chest all this time??  And how did people stranded on an island gain access to the latest fashions in designer jeans??  DAMN YOU, ABRAMS!!  YOU EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!!

Also: anyone else suspect that JJ Abrams is the real-life Ben Linus?

Dominic Monaghan stars opposite Ron Perlman in I Sell the Dead, a rare film in which Perlman isn’t covered in makeup and prosthetics.

In 18th Century England, a young graverobber, played by Monaghan, finds himself condemned to death for his crimes, with only a priest (Perlman) for company for his last night before the gallows. A hilarious tale is told of a life spent digging up and selling supernatural corpses including vampires and zombies, and the many shenanigans involved!

Looks alright I guess.  The important thing is that they never bring back Monaghan’s character on Lost.  God I hated that whiny pussy.  I haven’t been so happy to see someone drown since I was a lifeguard.  Whackety schmackety dooo…