I guess when you’ve got a ton of sand and water available and time to spare, you’d be a fool not to build a giant replica of Minas Tirith, the fantasy capital city of Gondor from Lord of the Rings. At least that’s what I assume Joseph Alvanez was thinking when he decided to create his massive tribute to one of the greatest stories ever written. Alvanez’s Minas Tirith measured approximately 10’ by 12’ and was made completely of sand and water, and it stood proudly until he realized that one of the kids who helped him had buried his cell phone in one of the houses.

Actually, it was that worthless wench Mother Nature who did Alvanez’s great achievement in.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oliver Noble’s latest supercut, in honor of the inauguration, commemorates some of the movie-est of movie presidents, who always seem to be dealing with a global crisis. It’s missing Kevin Spacey, President of Space. [via Huffington Post]

MORNING LINKS
I wrote some haikus about the poem James Franco wrote for Obama |Film Drunk|

Get your tickets to Vince’s show next week during SF Sketchfest |EVENTS|

Reader Appreciation: Five Awesome Internet Finds From UPROXX Readers |Warming Glow|

Middle-Earth PSAs. [via Pleated Jeans]

‘Kanye West Wing’ Is A Match Made In Ego Heaven |UPROXX|

LeBron James and Dwyane Wade Seductively Rocked South Beach Battioke |With Leather|

Guy Builds A Functional Iron Man Gauntlet With Lasers. Take That, Back Of The Hand.
|Gamma Squad|

Take A Peek Into Beyonce’s World Courtesy Of GQ |Smoking Section|

Tim Tebow’s New Endorsement Deal Sets Us Up For The Easiest Joke Of The Day
|Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Oscar lived a life you and I could only dream |theChive|

That Time Brooke Shields Played Wonder Woman |Buzzfeed|

Hey, Remember When Jesse James Said Texas Is Safer Because It Has Fewer Gun Restrictions? |The Superficial|

15 People You Do NOT Want To Be On A Plane With |HuffPost Comedy|

Oscar Predictions 2013, Our Picks Thus Far |Film.com|

6 Terrifying Bedtime Stories That Kept Kids in Line |Mental Floss|

The Puppy Bowl IX Starting Lineup |Videogum|

8 Things That Happen In Movies But Never In Real Life |College Humor|

Sundance Questions and Answers With Kristen Bell |NextMovie|

Sean Connery, Gymnastics Instructor |Unreality|

Shiny Suds |Holy Taco|

20 Real-Life Celebrity Friendships that You Probably Didn’t Know About |Pajiba|

People Are Awesome |Clip Nation|

“Man of Steel” to feature Jimmy Olsen. I’m sorry, *Jenny* Olsen |Fark|

The 7 Best Jean-Claude Van Damme Films |Screen Junkies|

Honest Movie Trailers: Indiana Jones & The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull |High Definite|

Beyonce Lip Synced The National Anthem At The Inauguration Yesterday |IDLYITW|

The Gentlemen’s Rant: Clubs |Brobible|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

“YOU SHALL NOT FAST PASS!”

There’s been a rumor in my quaint little Hamlet of Orlando, Florida for several years that there would someday be a Lord of the Rings attraction at one of our two major theme parks – Walt Disney World or Universal Studios Florida. Now, I had held out hope that it would be a part of Legoland, but it turns out that you can’t even get into Legoland if you don’t have a kid with you. What the f*ck is that noise? A bro can’t like Legos? But I digress.

This rumor has appeared once again, like a big ol’ eye of Sauron, notably at a site known as MiceChat, which is run by Dusty Sage, who claims to be a “consumer advocate for theme park travelers”. Last night, Sage wrote the following:

Big news in the theme park world. Universal is in talks to bring Lord of the Rings lands and rides to a theme park near you. Hot on the success of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Universal isn’t about to let Disney take a counter punch with Avatar or Star Wars without a major blow of its own. There are exciting times ahead for theme park fans.

There is no source to this claim, nor is there any information that divulges when or where this could happen. Alas, that hasn’t stopped message board threads (like this one) from picking the meat from the bones of this idea like giant Fellbeasts.

Read the rest of this entry »

“This is my ACTING helmet.”

In keeping with Peter Jackson’s style of pacing, I briefly considered using the first thousand words of this review to describe just my journey from the box office counter to the concession stand. Sure, we wouldn’t get to the climactic culmination of our stated quest for another two or three reviews, but, so many fascinating things happened along way there! Me fixating on the ticket taker’s weird mole, fights over whether my compatriots and I should buy nachos or whoppers, debates over popcorn butter, conflict over who should be allowed to sit in our section… What seemed at first to any rational person like only a tiny hint at a complete story could, the more I thought about it, scrutinizing every asinine detail, surely become a tale all its own! HUZZAH! I SHALL NOW SING A 10-MINUTE SONG ABOUT MY QUEST, ACCOMPANIED BY THE PAN FLUTE!

O’er to the sneeze guard I didst go, yonder through the Starburst candies ‘neath flecked glass belooooowwww…

Phew! That was hard. And tedious. Luckily for you, reader, I am no Peter Jackson. I lack that level of dedication.

Okay, so I understood going in that was to be the first of three separate, nearly three-hour movies covering Tolkien’s shortest middle Earth book, and maybe that shouldn’t be the first complaint. Hell, I even liked that book. But it’s impossible to overstate how swindled you feel coming out of a movie where the characters spend hours talking about a climactic battle at a place they don’t even get halfway to. Think Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday Walk One Third of the Way to the OK Corral: A Very Peter Jackson Western (featuring a carefully-shot, 90-minute scene of Doc trying to mount his horse). I’m convinced Peter Jackson’s version of Chekhov’s Gun would hold that if you show a loaded gun onstage in the first act, someone better have gone on a side quest to buy an ornate holster for it at the end of three hours. What I’m saying is, there are ways to tell a story episodically (see: almost any cable show). The way not to do it is to constantly remind the audience of where the final ending will be and then not produce. If beer doesn’t show up until the second movie, don’t spend half the first giving us bottle openers, cozies, beer menus, steins, etc. F*CK, MAN, WHERE’S THE BEER?! OH THERE IT IS, OFF IN THE DISTANCE!

Read the rest of this entry »

[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Truth, Justice, Beards: Man of Steel has a new trailer |Film Drunk|

Come see Vince, Matt Louv and others riff on horror films this Friday |Fresh Like Cadaver|

This needs to happen. [via RoboShark]

Each Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ Opening Credits Redone In The Style Of ‘The Wire’ |UPROXX|

Watch Bill Hader And Fred Armisen Lose Their Sh*t In Hilarious Unaired ‘SNL’ Sketch |Warming Glow|

Marisa Miller Wants To Remind Us That She’s Still Pregnant And Naked |With Leather|

Nic Cage Is Every Hobbit Character, And We Couldn’t Be Happier About It |Gamma Squad|

10 DMX Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

Gruden Talk: Jon Discusses the Israel-Palestine Conflict with Salman Rushdie |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

This is Zoe’s story |theChive|

45 Most Important Lessons We Learned In 2012 |Buzzfeed|

Anne Hathaway Will Premiere A Movie Until Someone Sees Her Vagina |The Superficial|

12 Horrible Gobbledygook Words We Reluctantly Accepted |Mental Floss|

Ass on the Internet |Holy Taco|

Will Ferrell: Cover Model |HuffPost|

Hayden Panettiere Is Single |IDLYITW|

Seven planets humans might move to once we’ve finished wrecking this one |Fark|

Probably Not The Worst Thing “Burrito Surprise” Could Mean, Honestly |Videogum|

8 Positions for Sex at Your Parents’ Place |College Humor|

The 2012 “As Seen on TV” Gift Guide |Clip Nation|

Island in the Sun: 11 Movies About Islands|Pajiba|

5 Less Obvious Christmas Movies |Unreality|

The 10 Rising Stars and Breakout Pop Culture Bros of 2012 |Brobible|

Burrito Bomber: Drone-Delivered Burritos |High Definite|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.