^{Johnny and Tim returning from the hobo yard sale}

Sorry to squeeze this into one post, but at a Walt Disney Showcase in Hollywood, Johnny Depp announced that not only is he signed on for Pirates of the Carribbean 4, he’ll also play Tonto in Jerry Bruckheimer’s production of The Lone Ranger – two of the stupidest f-cking ideas in history and just the kind of thing you expect from Jerry Bruckheimer (GRR, RESERVED COWBOY JUSTICE!).  Meanwhile, Depp has also been confirmed to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.

It’s well known that Depp conceived of his character in Pirates as a cross between Keith Richards and Pepe Le Pew.  Now that he has two brand new characters to invent, I thought I’d offer some possible hybrids.

- Drew Barrymore and Foghorn Leghorn
- Daffy Duck and Edward James Olmos
- Nick Cannon and Mary Worth
- Chris Robinson and the black crowes (Get it? Nevermind.)
- Marmaduke and Danny Trejo
- Elmer Fudd and Wolf from American Gladiators
- Gwyneth Paltrow and Aquaman
- Dilbert and Avril Lavigne
- Garfield and Burt Reynolds
- Wile E. Coyote and Frank Stallone
- Marilyn Monroe and The Noid
- Erin Esurance and The Hamburglar
- Judy Dench and that C-Walking Robot Football Player from Fox

Aren’t my combinations wacky?? *sigh*

I just read the lede to an MTV article about Poopeater McSucksalot and it gave me a nervous tic.

A modern movie hero who doesn’t curse, doesn’t use slang, who doesn’t drink or smoke or visit saloons, who believes in God and country and a strict moral code, who only uses guns when he has to, and even then never shoots to kill? The American West is about to get a dose of reserved cowboy justice, as super producer Jerry Bruckheimer has confirmed to MTV News that he’s developing a “Lone Ranger” series of films.

Reserved… Cowboy… Justice.  Wow.  I can’t wait to see a polite Southern Gentleman conquer terrorism with hospitality and apple pie.  And of course the help of his cheerfully non-uppity Native American sidekick, Tonto (which means stupid in Spanish.  Coincidence? Not anymore.).   

Good thing JB has experience with heroes who don’t curse or use slang. And let’s not forget his strict, real-life moral code (you know, the one that says “always have a lowly assistant pick up your cocaine for you").

One time I saw him knock up 14-year-old, then punch her in the stomach until she miscarried.  And then he ate the stillborn.  True story.