Back in August, I brought you the news that Disney had dropped plans to make a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Lone Ranger movie starring Armie Hammer with Johnny Depp as Tonto. The reason? It was going to cost between $250 and $275 million, which seems slightly expensive for a western. Well now, the principals have reportedly come to a deal, agreeing to make the film for a paltry $215 million, reteaming Johnny Depp with Gore Verbinski and the team behind the first three Pirates movies. HEROES! It’s so nice when people can put aside petty greed for a soulless cash grab.

Last we heard, the project was so expensive partly because it had frickin’ werewolves in it. But according to THR, those got dropped before the current incarnation. WHAT?! BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE A LONE RANGER MOVIE WITHOUT WEREWOLVES!

The original script included werewolves and other supernatural creatures from Native American myths [WENDINGO!!! -Ed.]. Those bells and whistles have been jettisoned, but according to sources who have read recent drafts, three massive action set pieces involving trains remain, including one described as the biggest train sequence in film history. [THR]

Ooh, trains, we’ll need an experience injun tracker to find one of those. Meanwhile, here’s what Terry Rossio had to say about the draft of the script he co-wrote and Johnny Depp’s interest in the project:

Read the rest of this entry »

It shows how jaded I am that when I reported on Disney shitcanning Jerry Bruckheimer’s Lone Ranger movie yesterday, it didn’t even occur to me to ask why a movie that was presumably a traditional western had a $250 million budget. (As Brendon at Durden wrote, “It’s a lot of money, but try to think of even one western that cost less that 200 million. You can’t name even one can you? If you wan’t to film two guys on horses, it’s gonna cost you.”) Well now we have the answer to that question, and it’s werewolves. That’s right, we almost got a $250 million movie called Lone Ranger that was about werewolves.

Co-screenwriter Ted Elliott posted some Lone Ranger plot details on a private writer‘s website, and the writer shared them with Hollywood-Elsewhere:

“It was always going to be a big Bruckheimer CG movie with traditional Bruckheimer elements [and] an eye toward being a tentpole –totally Pirates-style. It was going to be a Tonto show mainly. Tonto as the top dog and more dominant than the Lone Ranger. Tonto and the Indian spirits like Obi Wan Kenobi and the force. The driving engine was going to be Native American occult aspects worked in with werewolves and special effects, [b]ut flavored with doses of Native American spirituality in a serious way.” [hat tip: Screenrant]

Indeed, because what better way to honor Native American mysticism than through a European myth recently repopularized by a kid with washboard abs in a movie about sparkly white vampires based on a book written by a Mormon? Jesus, my head hurts. This is why I hate Bruckheimer movies. You can see an excerpt from the screenplay to the right.

“But then Cowboys & Aliens came along and tanked and Disney got cold tenderfeet, spooked by the idea of a pricey mashup. If Cowboys & Aliens had made $200 million, this wouldn’t be happening. A Bruckheimer-style western in the wake of Cowboys & Aliens is nothing anyone is feeling secure about at this stage. Trust me, the writers of tentpole garbage are all scared now.”
“Depp’s interest in playing Tonto is about fulfilling his Marlon Brando legacy,” the director-writer believes. “Depp is partly Native American himself and he was partly mentored by Brando, who was a big Indians’ rights advocate. So he didn’t want to do any kind of jaunty performance that plays it light and spoofy with the Native American thing. No Captain Jack crap this time around.”

Man, someone at Cowboys & Aliens deserves a gift basket for killing this project. I also like how the writer throws around Indian-related terms like “tenderfoot,” like the dude who spent two weeks in London who now calls everyone “mate.” “Haha, sorry for the confusion there, kemosabe. You see I picked up all this ‘injun’ slang (as they call it) when I was studying Native American culture to write a film in which Johnny Depp fights werewolves.”

The poster for Jerry Bruckheimer’s Prince of Persia will appear inside Jerry Bruckheimer’s Confessions of a Shopaholic as background ads in Time Square, alongside ads for Jerry Bruckheimer’s G-Force, Jerry Bruckheimer brand colostomy bags and Jerry Bruckheimer douche nozzles.  Okay, I may have made up those last two.

“It’s funny because I was watching the movie and we had ads for other films and I said, ‘Why don’t we put our own movies in here.’ It’s kind of silly to promote someone else’s movies.” [LatinoReview]

Touché, Jerry, touché. Bruckheimer went on to say:

* Prince of Persia (adapted from the video game) will definitely have parkour (seriously)
* He’s making a third National Treasure,
* He’s excited about The Sorcerer’s Apprentice with Jay Baruchel and Nic Cage
* Johnny Depp will play Tonto in a Lone Ranger movie, which will definitely have “a supernatural element to it”
* G-Force will be about talking guinea pigs but will have “something for everybody”

The interviewer was about to ask him about Pirates IV, when a slimy, morey eel-like creature sprang from Bruckheimer’s mouth and devoured the interviewer whole.  He vomited up a puddle of foul-smelling black sludge before heading to a script meeting for CSI: Miami.

This story strikes me as super bogus, but one of AICN‘s gay-sounding sources claims George Clooney is interested in playing the lead in Jerry Suckheimer’s even gayer-sounding Lone Ranger movie.

Word as of now is that George Clooney has shown a lot of interest in the role of the Lone Ranger, and the studio’s been talking to him about it. Previously it was rumored that Nic Cage was up for the role, but that rumor died a long time ago. Clooney’s name has come up quite a number of times since.
-Electric Dreams

Say what you will about Leatherheads or Ocean’s 12, George Clooney still has a better track record of picking projects than pretty much anyone in Hollywood.  I don’t believe for a second that he’s considering playing a “modern movie hero who doesn’t curse, use slang, drink or smoke or visit saloons, who believes in God and country and a strict moral code, uses guns only when he has to, and never shoots to kill” for the most shameless crap peddler in town.  And if “Electric Dreams” isn’t a middle-aged dude with a ponytail and rainbow suspenders I will eat my own shit.

^{Johnny and Tim returning from the hobo yard sale}

Sorry to squeeze this into one post, but at a Walt Disney Showcase in Hollywood, Johnny Depp announced that not only is he signed on for Pirates of the Carribbean 4, he’ll also play Tonto in Jerry Bruckheimer’s production of The Lone Ranger – two of the stupidest f-cking ideas in history and just the kind of thing you expect from Jerry Bruckheimer (GRR, RESERVED COWBOY JUSTICE!).  Meanwhile, Depp has also been confirmed to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.

It’s well known that Depp conceived of his character in Pirates as a cross between Keith Richards and Pepe Le Pew.  Now that he has two brand new characters to invent, I thought I’d offer some possible hybrids.

- Drew Barrymore and Foghorn Leghorn
- Daffy Duck and Edward James Olmos
- Nick Cannon and Mary Worth
- Chris Robinson and the black crowes (Get it? Nevermind.)
- Marmaduke and Danny Trejo
- Elmer Fudd and Wolf from American Gladiators
- Gwyneth Paltrow and Aquaman
- Dilbert and Avril Lavigne
- Garfield and Burt Reynolds
- Wile E. Coyote and Frank Stallone
- Marilyn Monroe and The Noid
- Erin Esurance and The Hamburglar
- Judy Dench and that C-Walking Robot Football Player from Fox

Aren’t my combinations wacky?? *sigh*