I just got off the phone with UFC legend and jiu-jitsu icon Royce Gracie and I’m just in the mood to run around and start street fights now, so let’s get right into this week’s DVDs and streaming choices.

Available for your private viewing enjoyment this week:

Cloud Atlas
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Back to 1942
Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Liz & Dick
3, 2, 1… Frankie Go Boom
Tomorrow You’re Gone

Streaming: And I have a list of movies that I’ll be watching to resume Netflix Instant Theater next week, so I think I’ll start with John Dies in the End, so watch that for preparation.

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Just in time for her latest arrest, Lifetime (via People) has released a poster of Lindsay Lohan in Liz and Dick, her biopic TV movie about Elizabeth Taylor starring the absent Grant Bowler as the titular Dick. Ha, “titular dick.” Just the way your mother likes it. Anyway, it seems they’ve taken the Google search optimization approach to taglines. Hey, you guys know words within images don’t count towards keyword density, right? Pff, amateurs. KATE UPTON’S BOOBS NIP SLIP UPSKIRT LESBIAN KITTEN ORGY! See? That’s how it’s done, losers.

That “DIAMONDS” and “PROVOCATIVE” are double the font size of “beautiful” and “leading lady” should tell you everything you need to know about the production (did they have collagen injections in the sixties? Oh well.). Are they serious with this? This looks like they let an Asian caricature from an eighties movie put it together. “Okay, round eye, dis what computa toad me bout Riz Tayra.”

Obligatory:

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I’m going to level with you folks: This blogging game, it moves fast. Unlike your sister, it’s hard to stay on top of, and this feature takes a long time. Sometimes it’s hard to stay motivated to finish. But every time I’m feeling like it’s not worth the time, I just look at some new pictures from Magic Mike and it rejuvenates the spirit. McConaughey. Channing Tatum. The world of stripping. This could become the greatest movie ever made. I get excited just thinking about it. Stay tuned for more Magic Mike stills and posters, and more, in our latest This Week in Posters and Stills.

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As you all know and I’m sure are positively dying to hear more about, Lindsay Lohan has been cast in a Lifetime Original about Elizabeth Taylor called Liz & Dick. As you may have also heard, Lindsay Lohan is an unemployable, pathologically lying drug addict who can barely stay out of jail for more than two weeks at a time. I mean you’d have to be Herbie Fully Loaded to cast her in anything. So, how do her film’s producers plan to reconcile that with spending money contingent on her showing up to work? Well they don’t, really, but they have insurance.

“Well, we have more than a Plan B actually,” producer Larry Thompson revealed in an exclusive interview with E! News, “[because] Lindsay Lohan may be the most insured actress that ever walked on a soundstage.” [E!News]

And I’m sure the guy producing a Lifetime movie about Liz Taylor who stunt-casted Lindsay Lohan in it would know, I imagine he’s got plenty of juice in this town. In related news, Lindsay says if she has her druthers, Gerard Butler would be the actor Dicking her Liz. Lohan says Butler actually reminds her a lot of Sir Richard Burton and hey would you look at that I completely stopped giving a shit.
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The Lifetime Network released an official press statement today confirming that Lindsay Lohan will play Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, based on Elizabeth Taylor’s storybook romance with Richard Burton, a real-life love story that continues to captivate tens of aging gay men to this day. Thus ends the longest period of interest in a Lifetime Original movie in the history of media. If the movie ends up actually getting finished (even-money at this point), one only hopes that it will live up to the standard set by Tori Spelling’s Death of a Cheerleader, or Shannon Elizabeth’s incendiary performance in You Belong to Me. Sample dialog: “I’m sure as hell not waiting around for some ghost to put me in the grave!”

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