Nick Fury never goes anywhere without Nick Furry.

Back in February of last year, news broke that Samuel L. Jackson signed a mother f*cking huge deal with mother f*cking Marvel Studios to play the Nick Fury character in nine films. So far his eyepatch has popped up in the first two Iron Man installments and it’s been confirmed that he’ll appear in The Mighty Thor, Captain America, and the Avengers movie. We can now add Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. to the list, according to Jackson.

I would assume that Sammy J. has a pretty good idea of what films are included in this contract, because there is no way in heck – heck, I tell you! – that he’d just sign on to do a project and just throw caution to the wind. Not the star of The Spirit, Jumper, The Man, both xXx movies, SWAT, Changing Lanes, Deep Blue Sea, Sphere… *blacks out*

GIVE US THE MOTHER F*CKING NEWS, CINEMATICAL:

According to Mr. Jackson: “The Avengers should start shooting some time next year, and then some time after that there’ll be a big S.H.I.E.L.D. movie.” There’s some skepticism that Jackson could know of such a thing when the same interview shows he doesn’t know his Marvel cinematic universe very well — he wasn’t up to date on who is playing Captain America or Thor.

Big whoop. I have no clue who is playing Thor, and I’m trying my hardest to forget Chris Evans is alive. We can make fun of Sam all we want for his whorish script selections, but a Nick Fury movie is his one choice that leaves me scratching my head. It’s not that the plot is terrible or there aren’t a lot of options, but this movie has been done before. And not only has it been done, it’s been done by a legend:

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Unless you’re one of the seven people who watches the TV Guide channel, you probably missed their scintillating SAG Awards coverage the other night.  But fear not, that’s why we have the internet.  Here, Joey Fatone interviews James Franco.  I never thought anyone could out-awkward the MTV guy when it comes to James Franco interviews, but this comes close.

FATONE: I am here with James Franco, how’s it goin, man? Congratulations.
FRANCO: Thank you.
FATONE: Film nominee.
FRANCO: …Thank you.
FATONE: For Milk.
FRANCO: ……Yeah.  That’s the movie.  Yeah.
FATONE:  Milk.  …I just like sayin that, I don’t know why.
FRANCO:  Is that how you say it out in Brooklyn?
FATONE: Uh… No, I just say ‘Milk.’  That white stuff.  HA! No, but that’s something else.  Nevermind.

It’s like eavesdropping on the awkward shitty party you bailed on!  I’m assuming TV Guide Channel only hired Joey Fatone and Lisa Rinna for the tax break, like when Einstein Bagels gets retards to man the napkin dispenser.  Okay, guys, here are your microphones, try not to drool on anyone!

I think most horror movies today are stupid and pointless, but even I have to admit The Descent was pretty legit.  Today the sequel, which is being shot with a new director, released the first official still.  It’s… well, the best way to describe it is that it’s exactly what you’d expect from a movie whose official title was at one point The De2cent. 

That is to say, if you liked Limp Bizkit, you’ll probably love it.  Me, I’m partial to piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain.

USA Today has the first official still from the upcoming Land of the Lost remake starring Will Ferrell and Danny McBride.

The featured creatures are Sleestaks (as popularized by the Nerf Herder song, “She’s a Sleestak").  Sleestaks are described as “villainous lizard creatures with a single horn and giant eyes” a la Lisa Rinna.  The good news is that director Brad Silberling (Lemony Snickets) fought to keep the Sleestaks as dudes in goofy costumes rather than CGI.

Ferrell plays Dr. Marshall, a wacky scientist who ends up the laughingstock of the scientific community after attacking the quadriplegic and wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking while being interviewed on Anderson Cooper 360. Dr. Marshall is reduced to becoming a tour guide at the La Brea Tar Pits, the only scientific job that would take him. A young hot scientist played by Anna Friel convinces Dr. Marshall to go with her on an expedition which no doubt takes him to the Land of the Lost. [/film]

I’ll admit it, this sounds kind of awesome.  I like the idea of remaking old stuff as a comedy, rather than trying to make a faithful version of something that was somewhat ridiculous to begin with, like say, Speed Racer.  Comedies are preferable for the same reason it’s more fun to make fun of old people when they poop their pants than it is to listen to their stories about the olden times.

I didn’t know who this chick interviewing Casey Affleck at the SAG awards was at first.  Judging by her big fake boobs, baked potato tan, and over collagened lips, I thought maybe a stripper had found an even more degrading profession.

Anyway, apparently it’s Lisa Rinna.  You may remember her from… well, she was on some soap operas and crap back in the 90s.  Here she asks Casey Affleck some questions while taking the novel approach of not waiting for him to answer.  It ends with him saying he’ll say anything to get away from her, and her asking him what kind of gum he’s chewing and thinking the question was so amazing that she demands a high five. Sounds like a success to me!  

[Thanks to "RoboPanda" for the tip]