Mary Harron‘s film adaptation of American Psycho is eleven years old now, and people have heard of it, so I suppose a remake was inevitable. While I’d be the first one to tell you that the book is better than the movie, Christian Bale captures Patrick Bateman in such a way that it’s impossible not to see his face and hear his voice when you re-read it (I’d say the same thing about the character Jack Black plays in High Fidelity). Sadly, nothing is sacred in this town, not even a hot buff dude killing whores with a chainsaw. (*old Indian sheds a single tear*)

Lionsgate has tapped Noble Jones to write and direct a reimagining of “American Psycho” that will go back to Bret Easton Ellis’ 1991 satirical novel, which Mary Harron previously adapted in 2000 as a feature starring Christian Bale.
Low-budget project, which has not yet been greenlit at Lionsgate, is currently in the early stages of development at the studio.

I asked a Lionsgate exec exactly how low a budget they were thinking, but he just told me to feed him a stray cat.

Set in Manhattan during the Wall Street boom of the late 1980s, “American Psycho” concerns the daily life of Patrick Bateman, a wealthy investment banker by day who becomes a homicidal maniac by night.
Jones pitched the project to Lionsgate several months ago and recently turned in a script that explores how Bateman would fare in modern day Gotham.
A protege of David Fincher, Jones is a commericals and music video helmer who served as second unit director for the Boston-shot scenes in Fincher’s award-winning drama “The Social Network.” [Variety]

So it’s a low-budget remake, from a first-time director, set in modern times, where Patrick Bateman probably works for Goldman-Sachs and spontaneously launches into long-form, quasi-critical analyses of Drake and Rihanna? Jesus Christ, that sounds awful. I asked a Lionsgate exec what could possible possess a person to allow something like this, and he just gritted his teeth and enunciated carefully, “Because. I want. To fit. In.”

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Two years ago, when Saw VI was released on Halloween like the 5 installments before it, it marked what most people believed was the end of the repetitive torture porn franchise. Its opening weekend ($14 million) and worldwide ($61 million) grosses were the franchise’s lowest by far, and the toe tag was nearly applied. But Lionsgate saw it simply as a fluke and the studio went forward with last year’s Saw 3D, the most expensive of the series, and while it earned well worldwide, it was still a big disappointment. And thus Saw was declared dead.

Now if you believed that we would never hear from Jigsaw and his deadly gadgets again, you were dead wrong… *cues maniacal laughter, farts*

Lionsgate Vice Chairman Michael Burns spoke to CNBC Tuesday about the potential merger with Summit Entertainment and dropped the following nugget on the horror community:

I’m sure, some day, you’ll see Saw back in the picture

(Via Slash Film)

Well of course we will. How could we not in this Copper Era of remakes, reboots and re-releases? Lionsgate took one Halloween off – probably because it was broke – and people really thought that meant Saw movies were never going to be made again? Hell, I’m surprised there weren’t 10 straight-to-DVD sequels made this year alone.

But I love how Burns (no relation, unless he wants to hire me) pops the Saw reference like we’re all holding out for it. Now a sequel to The Cove, that would be something to get excited about.

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Every year, a dude named Frank Leonard puts out the Black List, a list of the best unproduced screenplays going around town, as voted on by Hollywood types. You’d expect them to highlight scripts like Being John Malkovich, a work of genius that had been going around for years that everyone loved but no one knew how to make. Instead, in typical Hollywood fashion, it seems to have become a list of scripts that everyone knows a studio is going to make anyway and might become hits, thus becoming a list of scripts people bet on so they can brag about how smart they are later (you can see the most recent list here).

One such blacklist script, The Ex-Factor, recently picked up Ken Jeong as star and producer, and has since been titled “The Chung Factor.” IT SOUNDS GREAT BECAUSE WE’VE SEEN IT BEFORE!

The movie is about a nice guy who meets the girl of his dreams after being unlucky in love. But because he’s afraid of screwing up the relationship, he takes advice from an offbeat relationship coach, played by Jeong.
As it turns out, the coach is actually the woman’s ex-boyfriend and is out to sabotage the relationship and win her back.
The script, formerly called “The Ex-Factor,” was on the 2005 Black List of best unproduced scripts. [TheWrap]

It’s Hitch meets Something About Mary with an Asian twist! It’ll be like that South Park episode where Cartman gives Jimmy advice through a headset while he’s out on a date! Except without all the jokes about how that concept is 30 years old! You screamed when Will Smith taught Kevin James how to dance… You delighted when Sinbad taught Phil Hartman to loosen up… This summer, you’ll squeal when Ken Jeong teaches Zach Braff math.

I think the most surprising part of this story is that a rom-com script called “The Ex-Factor” was only six years old.

Once he was done governating, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting schedule filled up fast. He got involved with The Governator, something called Cry Macho, a Terminator reboot, maybe a Twins sequel, and God knows what else. But that was before he got caught shooting his sperm in every Mexican west of the Mississippi. Back in May, he announced he was putting all film projects on hold until further notice, until he could figure out which brown kids seemed most suspiciously gap-toothed and ass loving. (Arnie’s Éses, I imagine he calls them).

His personal affairs must be in order now, because last night I received a press release from Lionsgate announcing a new Schwarzenegger project called Last Stand, a “high-octane chase story” from the director of The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. QUICK, COVER THE MAKE-UP GIRLS WITH PLASTIC!

Korean action-suspense master Kim Jee-Woon (A TALE OF TWO SISTERS, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD) will direct the film, which is to be based on a spec script by Andrew Knauer that was subsequently rewritten by Jeffrey Nachmanoff.
Schwarzenegger will be starring as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled.   After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members.  He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever.  At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history.

Well that sounds like every action movie ever. But it’s Arnold. And everyone who’s seen The Good, the Bad, and the Weird seems to love it. And it started with a spec script, which is always better than a project that started as a pitch, so who knows. At the very least, I bet it’s the first Arnold movie synopsis ever to incorporate the phrase “perceived ineptitude.”"Hey, Sully, remembah when when you counted out my force for perceived eenept-eetude? …Your findings vere wracked wiss erroneous conclusions.” (*drops Sully off cliff, throws Thesaurus down with him*)

If you haven’t heard of ‘Fred’ by now, or, God forbid heard Fred’s voice, consider yourself lucky. Fred Figglehorn is a kid named Lucas Cruikshank who puts videos of himself speaking in a high voice on YouTube. By some structural anomaly as yet unexplained by science, this high-pitched voice goes straight to the pleasure center of the brain of anyone under 12, and as a result, Fred’s videos have been viewed a total of 700 MILLION TIMES. Trust me, this is not because Fred is some kind of evil genius. As he told the NY Times last year, “he did not model the character on anyone in particular and doesn’t give a whole lot of thought to the process. He said it took him and his siblings about 30 minutes to make one of the two-minute videos, which he watches once and forgets.”

Accidental fame is the new fame.  Anyway, you’d think we as adults would be more than capable of correcting this anomaly, all doing our part to provide a severe beating to any pre-pubescent punk who insists on polluting the world with Fred’s aural malaria.  But since everyone is such a spineless, morally bankrupt opportunist these days, we’re giving him a movie instead.  Check that, ANOTHER movie.  This time in 3D.  Thanks, Lionsgate.  Wait, is there a way to make the sound in 3D? I need something to finally push me over the edge.

Lucas Cruikshank, the teen actor who turned his alter-ego character Fred Figglehorn into a YouTube hit and a TV movie for Nickelodeon, will star in a 3D movie for Lionsgate.
John Fortenberry (“Blue Mountain State”) is directing “Night of the Living Fred.” David A. Goodman (“Family Guy”) wrote the script. Production is now under way in Los Angeles.
Cruikshank also will star in a half-hour Nickelodeon series. [TheWrap]

Blue Mountain State, of course. I think I can imagine how this went down:

LIONSGATE EXEC 1: We need someone to direct a movie.  It’s a great opportunity and we have to strike while the iron is hot.  But I must warn you: this movie will be aimed solely at children. Its content will be pure anathema to any human adult above 12; slow, severe soul-torture to any being with a functioning cerebral cortex and a drop of humanity.

LIONSGATE EXEC 2: CALL SPIKE TV!