^{Don’t worry, I’m still doing a normal Weekend Preview post.  I just thought we could also enjoy Machete’s Lindsay Lohan butchering the English language.  Unless… is leprosy an STD?  (thanks to Dan M for the tip)}

OPENING THIS WEEKEND (trailers after the jump)

The Movie: Machete, what happens when people stop being polite, and start f*cking with the wrong Mexican.
The Buzz: Most people seemed to like it more than I did, and I admit, aside from Grindhouse/Planet Terror, I was never much of a Robert Rodriguez fan.  There’s lots to love (just like your mom’s AdultFriendfinder profile), I just wish it was better.  And I wholly support putting Danny Trejo in every movie possible.  Actual exchange during a Danny Trejo radio interview: FILMDRUNK COMMENTER PAULY: “You’re like the Mexican Chuck Norris.”  DANNY TREJO: “Chále, Chuck Norris dresses like me for Halloween.”

The Movie: Going the Distance, a long-distance relationship comedy starring Justin Long and Drew Barrymore
The Buzz: Despite the fatal flaw of having Drew Barrymore play the lead in a rom-com, it’s actually gotten good reviews out of a couple people I respect, and has It’s Always Sunny’s Charlie Day, comedian Jim Gaffigan, and Rob Riggle in supporting roles (not to mention Jason Sudeikis and Ron Livingston).  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s decent, but when someone says “starring Drew Barrymore!” all I hear is “step inside for a painful anal probe!

The Movie: The American, George Clooney plays an aging hitman who thinks he’s beyond redemption when on his last job, a mysterious stranger changes everything because we’ve never seen that before.
The Buzz:  (*snoooooore*) Wha? What happened?  Put it back on, I was just resting my eyes.

Notable Limited Releases:
A Woman, A Gun, And a Noodle Shop:  Hero director Zhang Yimou’s remake of the Coen Brothers Blood Simple opens today in New York and LA. Little known fact: 50 Cent once had a song about “taking you to the noodle shop” the he wisely left on the cutting room floor.

Louis CK: Hilarious: Documentary on comedian Louis CK featuring mostly footage of his stand up is now playing in Austin, Boston, San Francisco, Chicago, LA, New York, Philadelphia, and DC. I wouldn’t want more of the guy who famously wrote, “I want to rub my father’s c*ck all over Sarah Palin’s fat t*ts.”  I love that man.

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Here’s the latest picture of Lindsay Lohan from Robert Rodriguez’ Machete, as nun with gun April Benz, holding an uzi with what I guess is a giant silencer.  Whatever it is, she’s come a long with from trying to lick her gun like a penis last week.  Haha, girls! Meanwhile, Machete opens September 8th, but Lindsay heads off to jail tomorrow.  Hopefully her co-star Michelle Rodriguez taught her a few things about lesbian prison gangs before she goes.  What?  Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply Michelle Rodriguez is a lesbian.  I just meant she’d probably know about prison and stuff because she’s Hispanic.

[via FilmTotaal]

Lindsay Lohan spent last week traipsing around Cannes, allegedly promoting her next film, Inferno, which is the story of legendary porn actress Linda Lovelace. Despite having no cast or filming schedule, Lohan still attended the Cannes parties under the guise that her film’s producers were seeking buzz and probably funding as well. But all is well now as TMZ.com revealed two new posters (above) for Inferno, meaning that the intention of making this movie has never been greater.

According to Muse Films (huh?) Production Executive Jonathan Fong, the film will begin shooting in the fall. He revealed this information because of questions regarding Lohan’s SCRAM ankle bracelet that she’ll have to wear until at least July 6. It’s just shame that the Los Angeles judge didn’t make her have sex with a dog, then everyone could have been a winner!

Take it to the hilt, Ace Show Biz:

“Inferno” will center its story on Linda Lovelace who gained people’s attention after starring in “Deep Throat”, one of the most notorious porn films ever made. The biopic will cover how she became involved in the industry and her ultimate departure from it when she joined the anti-pornography movement before her untimely death in 2002.

Bill Pullman is reportedly also attached to the upcoming film to portray Hugh Hefner while Matthew Wilder is set to direct. Production is said to take place in Los Angeles, but there has been no official word on when the shooting will be kicked off. The project is tentatively targeted for 2011 release.

LOHAN! PULLMAN! This movie reeks of Academy Award nominations. You know, so long as they smell like Astroglide and Parliament Lights. According to US Weekly, Fong and the rest of the film’s producers are confirming that Lohan’s presence at Cannes was incredibly necessary from a sales standpoint for Inferno. That makes sense, because if she’s not there to challenge potential financiers to drinking games, then how will they get so blasted that funding a Lindsay Lohan movie sounds feasible?

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Lindsay's audition video

Last week I reported that Lindsay Lohan was attached to a Linda Lovelace biopic, a smaller, no-name-talent, rival production to a previously-announced Lovelace biopic. (To which Jacktion! astutely commented, “I think Lindsay Lohan is playing Linda Lovelace in the porn remake of the Linda Lovelace biopic.”)  ANYWAY, believe it or not, the film Lohan is set to star in, Inferno, has found a distributor at Cannes.  And this despite Lohan herself not being there, because she couldn’t find anyone to pay for her trip. Jeez, what’s the world coming to when a drugged-out, big-titted, bisexual, redheaded slut can’t even score a free trip to France?  I hate this economy.

If Lindsay Lohan makes it to Cannes this year, it’ll be on her own dime. We hear she’s been trying to swing a free trip to the film festival to wrangle money for her new Linda Lovelace biopic, “Inferno,” but no one’s willing to pay for her. “She’s been asking around, but hasn’t had any takers,” says a source. [NYPost]

International sales on Inferno, the porn biopic now confirmed to star Lindsay Lohan, will be handled by London-based sales house WestEnd Films. Adapted from the memoir of infamous sword-swallower Linda Lovelace, Inferno follows her destructive relationship with pornographer Chuck Traynor, and her subsequent involvement in the feminist anti-pornography [hateful fascist] movement. Lohan described Inferno as “a tragic love story…the truthfulness of it is in the ways the characters connect, even in very unhealthy ways, and can’t get away from each other, find themselves interlocked.  That element of Linda’s story feels to me very much like real life.” [TotalFilm - via Vulture]

Wait, you’re saying a nonfiction book about real life feels like real life?  Alert the media.  By the way, I find that last statement is funnier if you imagine Lindsay looking up from the book while speaking in the voice of David After Dentist.  “…Is this real life?”

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"I'm wearing a hat made of my own hair, your argument is invalid."

This story about Lindsay Lohan being cast in a biopic of Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat and Dogf*cker (note: not a joke, and exactly like what it sounds) has, as they say, been making the rounds, much like Lindsay Lohan’s vagina.  Anna Faris had previously been attached to a Lovelace project, and a few months ago, it was announced the guys who did Howl would be directing a biopic.  The latest story that’s been everywhere, even CNN, appears to have come from Variety, who reported that Lohan was in talks to play Lovelace, with Bill Pullman eyeing the role of Hugh Hefner.  They based their story on an interview producer Wali Razaqi supposedly did with the LA Times.  Only that interview is nowhere to be found in the actual LA Times.

You still with me?  Phew.  Anyguey, the San Francisco Chronicle clears things up a bit, reporting that the Howl guys’ Lovelace biopic does not involve Lohan, but rather she’s attached to a rival Lovelace project, Inferno, from Matthew Wilder.  Wilder has one other credit to his name, which also involved Bill Pullman.

Lindsay Lohan’s movie turn as porn queen Linda Lovelace is back on, according to the actress’ photographer pal Tyler Shields. Shields says Lohan’s film will be a rival project, called “Inferno.”
Details about the movie, directed by Matthew Wilder, will reportedly be released at the Cannes Film Festival in France later this month.

If you’re wondering what kind of production this will be, I think the best way to think about it is that it’s the kind that had to attach itself to Lindsay Lohan in order for anyone to pay attention to it.