As you all know and I’m sure are positively dying to hear more about, Lindsay Lohan has been cast in a Lifetime Original about Elizabeth Taylor called Liz & Dick. As you may have also heard, Lindsay Lohan is an unemployable, pathologically lying drug addict who can barely stay out of jail for more than two weeks at a time. I mean you’d have to be Herbie Fully Loaded to cast her in anything. So, how do her film’s producers plan to reconcile that with spending money contingent on her showing up to work? Well they don’t, really, but they have insurance.

“Well, we have more than a Plan B actually,” producer Larry Thompson revealed in an exclusive interview with E! News, “[because] Lindsay Lohan may be the most insured actress that ever walked on a soundstage.” [E!News]

And I’m sure the guy producing a Lifetime movie about Liz Taylor who stunt-casted Lindsay Lohan in it would know, I imagine he’s got plenty of juice in this town. In related news, Lindsay says if she has her druthers, Gerard Butler would be the actor Dicking her Liz. Lohan says Butler actually reminds her a lot of Sir Richard Burton and hey would you look at that I completely stopped giving a shit.
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The Lifetime Network released an official press statement today confirming that Lindsay Lohan will play Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, based on Elizabeth Taylor’s storybook romance with Richard Burton, a real-life love story that continues to captivate tens of aging gay men to this day. Thus ends the longest period of interest in a Lifetime Original movie in the history of media. If the movie ends up actually getting finished (even-money at this point), one only hopes that it will live up to the standard set by Tori Spelling’s Death of a Cheerleader, or Shannon Elizabeth’s incendiary performance in You Belong to Me. Sample dialog: “I’m sure as hell not waiting around for some ghost to put me in the grave!”

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Ever since appeasing California judge Stephanie Sautner by completing the bare minimum community service after repeatedly ignoring her court-ordered sentences for multiple criminal acts, Lindsay Lohan has been a changed woman. The 25-year old actress and singer is making it known that she’s serious about her career again and she wants someone – anyone! – to give her a chance again, since she’s been wrongly portrayed as this careless, arrogant party animal that never shows up to film movies on time.

But she’s also trying to tie up some loose ends in the meantime, specifically her lawsuits against people that have sullied her good name (i.e. that eTrade baby crap). Lohan is pursuing a lesser known lawsuit against singer/product whorist Pitbull, who pokes fun at Lohan’s substance issues in the song “Give Me Everything”. (And who, incidentally, will be providing the theme song for Men in Black 3).

This is insane: the way the name growin’
Money keep flowin’
Hustlers move aside
So, I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Poetry.

Again, Lohan is suing because this sort of lyrical liberty apparently defames her character. As if a Google search couldn’t provide much worse results.

But there’s a big problem with this latest lawsuit, as Lohan’s attorney, Stephanie Ovadia, is as serious about her career as Lohan is.

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I mean, they could have been twin sisters.

As soon as she’s done with her probation and community service in March, America’s freckled, chain-smoking sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan, is going to be free to resume doing that thing she used to do… sh*t, what was it called again? When she was in those things with the other people and they said stuff and someone yelled, “Cut!” Oh yeah, work!

First up, Lohan will host Saturday Night Live, because what better way for the show to remain consistent coming off one of the funniest episodes in years than by handing hosting duties over to a girl whose greatest contribution to comedy has been her driving record? After that, though, she’ll get serious once again as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick.

How serious? TMZ is all like, “Mad serious, haterz!”

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

I wish that for consistency Dina Lohan would actually change her name to Sources. “Sources Lohan, line one!” they’d yell as she calls in to let reporters know that it wasn’t Lindsay driving the getaway car from that jewelry store.

Later this year, Lohan is also starring alongside Rob Schneider and… Adrien Brody? Yikes. They’re starring in the film InAPPropriate Comedy, which is supposedly a sketch comedy collection along the lines of Underground Comedy. Either way, seriously Adrien? At least the razor commercials make it seem like you’re still a star.

Getty Images, via BestWeekEver

I can’t stop looking at this picture. The ‘random combinations of celebrities’ thing shouldn’t be that funny because it happens all the time, but this just looks like one of my Vince Vaughn Photoshops. BWE reports that it came from the amfAR Gala (and that Lindsay Lohan, believe it or not, is 25). Woody Allen is so old he still writes his scripts on a typewriter, you wonder if he even knows who that chick is, but something tells me his out-of-touchness with technology doesn’t extend to big-titted starlets.

amfAR, incidentally, is an AIDs charity. I’m assuming they just let anyone in there. That Lindsay Lohan can just walk around free and hasn’t yet been sentenced to do porno is a slap in the face of our entire society.