I apologize to everyone in advance if this whole thing is painfully obscure, but I discovered this today and it blew my mind, so I thought I’d attempt to blow yours because I like blowing people. Anyway, the backstory: So yesterday, the delightful Lindy West, everyone’s favorite Frotcast regular, did a spirited gif breakdown of a fantastically pompous Fox News editorial written by a guy who’d saved himself for his wedding night, talking about how great it was. Sex is fun, who knew? (Yeah, guy, us fornicators call that the “honeymoon period,” I promise you’ll see your girl in a whole new light once she’s come down from her pedestal and your constant, intense desire for sex isn’t coloring your every interaction – have fun with that. Might take like 6-8 months in your case). He refers to pre-marital sex-havers variously as “floozies,” “promiscuous charlatans,” “harlots,” and “mimbos,” because he apparently lives in the 1830s, in constant fear of Arab slave traders and the creeping negro menace. At the end of the guy’s article his bio said simply, “Steven Crowder is a comedian.”

Wow, talk about an invitation. Knowing this was likely a treasure trove of cringeworthy awfulness, I urged Lindy to investigate this further and she dug up (among other things, oy), Steven Crowder’s above appearance on Fox & Friends. It was thoroughly unsurprising in its cringeworthy awfulness and thus mostly un-newsworthy, until I came to a shocking epiphany: HOLY SH*T THIS IS LIGHTS CAMERA JACKSON FROM THE FUTURE!

THEY’RE PRACTICALLY WEARING THE SAME SHIRT! SET PHASERS TO DOPPLEGANGLE!

Behold:

Read the rest of this entry »

Kid Film Critic Lights Camera Jackson (now 13) actually appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last week, but since no one under 65 watches Jay Leno anyway, I don’t feel bad not posting it until now. In any case, behold. This is what regular local television appearances can do to a child’s development. It looks like he’s tried so hard to model his persona after other inoffensive, personality-free (neutral!) television talking heads during a crucial stage in his development, a stage in which he’d otherwise be experiencing the growing pains of carving out his own identity through rebellion, peer group interaction, and trial and error, that he’s been sanded down into this bizarre, sort of bland humanoid oatmeal robot. Being sort of a robot himself, Leno doesn’t seem to notice, but throughout this segment, Meredith Viera’s creep factor is palpable.

LCJ goes on to say that he doesn’t review the “Hangovers and Bridesmaids-type films,” because those R-rated comedies aren’t meant for kids his age (editor’s note: that’s EXACTLY WHO THEY’RE MEANT FOR!). Meanwhile, he praises Meryl Streep’s performance in The Iron Lady. At the 1:44 mark, when Jay mentions Meryl Streep, LCJ actually rubs his goddamned palms together in anticipation.

Now, I’ve said this before, but at my screening of The Iron Lady, there was a 60-some year old gay man wearing a velour track jacket with Asian dragons printed all over it, about ten feather necklaces and medallions, and a black wifebeater that said CASTRO on it, who would cackle wildly every time Margaret Thatcher did something bitchy. I assume that’s why he came. EVEN THAT GUY walked out halfway through. So congratulations, all you segment producers, local news anchors, morning show stars, late night hosts, ROGER EBERT (who put this kid on Roger Ebert presents), encouraging audiences, and advertisers who failed to put a stop to this (did he say he won a f*cking Emmy?!?), this is your Frankenstein. You’ve created a 13-year-old child that won’t watch raunchy comedies, but just loooves biopics about dementia-addled British Prime Ministers discussing tea with their dead husbands. Yeah, because that’s more wholesome. I’m submitting this into evidence now. In 10 years, you’re all going to jail.

[video via Buzzfeed]

Hey, remember Lights Camera Jackson? I have to admit, I find his latest video strangely mesmerizing. It’s like eating too many pot brownies, and going down some hellishly introspective rabbit hole where time stands still.

MORNING LINKS
The Highest Grossing Films of 2011 |

Mase Allegedly Skips Out On $35K Unpaid Jewelry Tab, Gets Sued |Smoking Section|

Man Named Omar Little Arrested in Baltimore |Warming Glow|

Adrian Peterson Is The New Kirk Cameron |With Leather|

Child Actors: Then & Now |Buzzfeed|

Adult Swim’s Top 600 People |Adult Swim|

Alison Brie put this picture on Twitter. God bless her. Homina homina homina… |SuicideBlonde|

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Jay-Z |PopCrush|

The year in bikinis: remembered. |TheSuperficial|

Learn some sh*t about Iowa, motherf*cker, or else shut your whore mouth about it. |theDailyWhat|

The best supercuts of 2011. Honorable Mention: All of Oliver’s supercuts. |Videogum|

The stories behind 11 more classic album covers. |MentalFloss|

Here’s a video of someone doing parkour. You’ll never guess how it ends. |GorillaMask|

12 Things We’ll Miss On TV In 2012 |HuffPost TV|

20 years later, Marv reflects on his attempted burglary in Home Alone. |ScreenJunkies|

25 mashed potato sculptures. |HolyTaco|

Ring in the New Year with 15 of the Most Slamdamntastic Dance Scenes in Cinematic History |Pajiba|

Eight Very Realistic Movies About Parenthood |Unreality|

In what may be the worst decision ever made, according to the

Sources say that actor is circling the project, an adaptation of a book by a nine-year old boy revolving around advice on how to deal with the opposite sex. Downey, along with wife and producing partner Susan Downey, would also come aboard as a producer, joining Shawn Levy and his 21 Laps banner.

Girls was written by Alec Greven, then 9 years old, as a school project. It landed the boy a publishing deal (at least three other How to Talk to … books have been written) and put him on talk shows across the country.

Ben Karlin and Stu Zicherman wrote a draft but word is that the project is being reconceived and developed as a Downey vehicle. Susan Downey will spearhead the development process and will oversee the hiring of a writer. At the time of Fox acquisition, Levy said he wanted to make a comedy in the tone of Big.

Aw, a 9-year-old wrote a book, isn’t that adorable? NO. IT’S NOT F*CKING ADORABLE AT ALL.  IT’S CREEPY AND WEIRD AND THE PEOPLE ENCOURAGING IT SHOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR THE HEROIN REHAB.  Aw, look, we took a human being and turned him into a talking action figure for Oprah fans!  Isn’t it great?  It’s so lifelike, it even wears sweaters!  Guuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The only thing worse than a media-trained adult is a media-trained child.  Unfortunately, Greven isn’t the only one of these.  Stare into the eye of the beast after the jump, but consider yourselves warned. Read the rest of this entry »

This week on the Frotcast, we finally got the microphones and mixer we’ve been promising so Ben could achieve what producer Phil Spector used to call the “Wall of Ear Rape.”   I hope we did it.  This week we:

• Discuss kid critic ‘Lights, Camera, Jackson‘ and who’s to blame for putting him on TV
• Tila Tequila vs. The Juggalos: As Danger Guerrero says, between Juggalos and Shawn Merriman, what is it about Tila Tequila’s nipples that makes stupid people so mad?
• Get friend of the Frotcast comedian and porn camera man Joe King on the phone to talk about Montana Fishburne, Brian Pumper, and what makes our monkey fufus wet.
• We wrap it up with a verbal frot to the death over Scott Pilgrim, which Ben thinks is the worst film we’ve seen for the Frotcast, and Bret and I think is the best.
• What should we see this week, Piranha 3D or The Expendables?  Feel free to weigh in in the comments or via email to the Frotcast.

BOOOSH.

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