Just in time for her latest arrest, Lifetime (via People) has released a poster of Lindsay Lohan in Liz and Dick, her biopic TV movie about Elizabeth Taylor starring the absent Grant Bowler as the titular Dick. Ha, “titular dick.” Just the way your mother likes it. Anyway, it seems they’ve taken the Google search optimization approach to taglines. Hey, you guys know words within images don’t count towards keyword density, right? Pff, amateurs. KATE UPTON’S BOOBS NIP SLIP UPSKIRT LESBIAN KITTEN ORGY! See? That’s how it’s done, losers.

That “DIAMONDS” and “PROVOCATIVE” are double the font size of “beautiful” and “leading lady” should tell you everything you need to know about the production (did they have collagen injections in the sixties? Oh well.). Are they serious with this? This looks like they let an Asian caricature from an eighties movie put it together. “Okay, round eye, dis what computa toad me bout Riz Tayra.”

Obligatory:

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The Lifetime Network released an official press statement today confirming that Lindsay Lohan will play Elizabeth Taylor in Liz & Dick, based on Elizabeth Taylor’s storybook romance with Richard Burton, a real-life love story that continues to captivate tens of aging gay men to this day. Thus ends the longest period of interest in a Lifetime Original movie in the history of media. If the movie ends up actually getting finished (even-money at this point), one only hopes that it will live up to the standard set by Tori Spelling’s Death of a Cheerleader, or Shannon Elizabeth’s incendiary performance in You Belong to Me. Sample dialog: “I’m sure as hell not waiting around for some ghost to put me in the grave!”

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I mean, they could have been twin sisters.

As soon as she’s done with her probation and community service in March, America’s freckled, chain-smoking sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan, is going to be free to resume doing that thing she used to do… sh*t, what was it called again? When she was in those things with the other people and they said stuff and someone yelled, “Cut!” Oh yeah, work!

First up, Lohan will host Saturday Night Live, because what better way for the show to remain consistent coming off one of the funniest episodes in years than by handing hosting duties over to a girl whose greatest contribution to comedy has been her driving record? After that, though, she’ll get serious once again as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick.

How serious? TMZ is all like, “Mad serious, haterz!”

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

I wish that for consistency Dina Lohan would actually change her name to Sources. “Sources Lohan, line one!” they’d yell as she calls in to let reporters know that it wasn’t Lindsay driving the getaway car from that jewelry store.

Later this year, Lohan is also starring alongside Rob Schneider and… Adrien Brody? Yikes. They’re starring in the film InAPPropriate Comedy, which is supposedly a sketch comedy collection along the lines of Underground Comedy. Either way, seriously Adrien? At least the razor commercials make it seem like you’re still a star.

Recently there was some hubbub and possibly even hullabaloo about Jennifer Love Hewitt

Watch a preview for the Lifetime original movie “The Client List,” starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a mother who will do whatever it takes to support her family, even the unthinkable! [whoring. -Ed.] Inspired by a true story. Premieres Monday, July 19 at 9 PM et/pt. Also starring Cybill Shepherd and Eric Laneuville. [via Fark]

Eric Laneuville?! Sacre bleu!  Point being, who’s laughing now, jackass?  I bet you feel pretty stupid for ever doubting Jennifer Love Hewitt’s acting ability and star power.  You were probably just jealous of her luscious titties.

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