I’ve been procrastinating on my Iron Man 3 review for the better part of an entire weekend, but before I get to that, here’s a Robert Downey Jr. story that I just had to share. The running joke around these parts is that Robert Downey Jr. has been staying in character as Tony Stark for the better part of a decade. But it turns out, it goes back even further than that, at least according to writer Dana Reinhardt, who relates the story of attending an ACLU event in the early nineties that was also attended by a pre-Iron Man Robert Downey Jr. (I mean obviously it was pre-Iron Man, unless RDJ has a time machine, which I wouldn’t put past him).

The story is old, but it was brought to my attention today by LettersofNote, and I hadn’t heard it before. Even if I had, it’d still be worth a repost. This excerpt picks up after Reinhardt talks about accompanying her grandmother to the event, and pointing out Robert Downey Jr. to her, about whom she didn’t seem to care.

We made our way to our folding chairs in the garden with our paper plates and cubed cheeses and we watched my stepmother give one of her eloquent speeches and a plea for donations, and there must have been a few other people who spoke but I can’t remember who, and then Ron Kovic [wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet and the subject of Born on the 4th of July] took the podium, and he was mesmerizing, and when it was all over we stood up to leave, and my grandmother tripped.

We’d been sitting in the front row (nepotism has its privileges) and when she tripped she fell smack into the wheelchair ramp that provided Ron Kovic with access to the stage. I didn’t know that wheelchair ramps have sharp edges, but they do, at least this one did, and it sliced her shin right open.

The volume of blood was staggering.

I’d like to be able to tell you that I raced into action; that I quickly took control of the situation, tending to my grandmother and calling for the ambulance that was so obviously needed, but I didn’t. I sat down and put my head between my knees because I thought I was going to faint. Did I mention the blood?

Luckily, somebody did take control of the situation, and that person was Robert Downey Jr.

He ordered someone to call an ambulance. Another to bring a glass of water. Another to fetch a blanket. He took off his gorgeous linen jacket and he rolled up his sleeves and he grabbed hold of my grandmother’s leg, and then he took that jacket that I’d assumed he’d taken off only to it keep out of the way, and he tied it around her wound. I watched the cream colored linen turn scarlet with her blood.

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I was going to mock up a sweet Usual Suspects Photoshop for this story, but it turns out we already have a non-shopped picture of the real thing: police unfairly profiling and then frisking suspects, just because they happen to be dressed like Spider-Men. Apparently it all started when a Hollywood Boulevard Spider-Man stole $6,000 from a bus company employee. Why, the sticky fingers on that web-slinger.

Police are on the hunt for Spider-Man after the masked web-slinger snatched a paper bag filled with $6,000 in cash and credit card information from an employee of the Starlines Tour Bus company.
It happened Friday morning as the worker was leaving the firm’s Hollywood Boulevard headquarters, said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Rich Galbaldon, a watch commander at the Hollywood Division.
Hoping their web-head didn’t make it too far, police have been rounding up other Spidey impersonators who were seen milling about in the area, which sits near the TCL Chinese Theatre, formerly Grauman’s, a tourist mecca.

Pretty much the saddest tourist mecca outside of the Holocaust Museum. “Hey, kids, wanna see some vagrants wearing tights on the sidewalk of an empty theater? Bring sunscreen!”

So far, no arrests have been made.
Other local superheroes — among them Superman, Batman and Catwoman — have said they would help the police in the search for the masked felon around the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

No matter how many times I see it, no matter how logical it is once you break it down, seeing a guy wearing a superhero costume get put in handcuffs never gets old. I mean, better if he has a burrito stuffed in his pants, but always a welcome diversion regardless.

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I always predicted Sweet Home Alabama would one day prove prophetic.

Reese Witherspoon’s husband was arrested for a DUI in Atlanta over the weekend, an otherwise forgettable sin that was made notable by how much of a haughty brat the report makes Reese out to be.

While CAA Agent James Toth is facing a DUI charge after driving in the wrong lane, Witherspoon was also arrested on a disorderly conduct charge according to a police report obtained by Variety. She was handcuffed after disobeying repeated instruction from the arresting officer, with whom she verbally sparred, to stay inside the vehicle.
As Toth walked in the Walgreens parking lot where the officer instructed him to pull over to, Witherspoon became increasingly agitated from the vehicle, which prompted the officer to warn her to stay in the car for the sake of her own safety.
“Mrs. Witherspoon began to hang out the window and say that she did not believe that I was a real police officer,” according to the police report. “I told Mrs. Witherspoon to sit on her butt and be quiet.”
Once Toth was placed under arrest, Witherspoon exited the vehicle and was instructed to get back in the car. According to the report, she “stated that she was a ‘US citizen’ and that she was allowed to ‘stand on American ground.’”
The officer then detailed how she resisted as he grabbed her arms to arrest as Toth attempted to calm her down.
As the report details, “Mrs. Witherspoon asked, “Do you know my name?” I answered, “No, I don’t need to know your name.” I then added, “right now.” Mrs. Witherspoon stated, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

Unless you’re Zeus the God of War, the answer probably isn’t going to change things much. I don’t know what it is about entitled white chicks that leads them to believe that loudly demonstrating their elevated social class is somehow going to help them in an arrest situation. Yes, tell him that he’ll pay for this, that you’ll have his badge, and that he’ll be mopping floors by Monday if you have anything to say about it. I’m sure that’s great for ingratiating yourself to a meatheaded civil servant with a Napoleon complex. Cunning strategy there, Machiavelli.

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Sometimes you read a story that restores your faith in humanity, like the time a portly British fellow dressed as Batman handed over a burglary suspect at a police station in Bradford, where police had a chuckle, publicly declared that the Batman’s identity was still unknown, and went about their business, because British cops are clearly much more chill than the ones in the US, where Batman would surely have been hog-tied and/or tazed. Later we found out British Batman was a 39-year-old delivery man named Stan Worby, and the guy he’d brought in was actually a friend of his who he’d been out drinking with. It sounded less like a vigilante story than it did a wacky Nick Frost/Simon Pegg comedy, but it was still fun. Well now those same two dudes have been arrested for stealing tools from a garage. I’m just waiting for there to be drugs or gangsters involved – this could turn into a Guy Ritchie or Danny Boyle movie before we’re through (I assign all stories from other countries stereotypes from films).

Stan Worby was filmed on CCTV in a Bradford police station, forcing Daniel Frayne to answer an arrest warrant issued over claims he tried to cash a stolen cheque.
But now the pair have been accused of trespassing in a garage and stealing £770 worth of power tools.
Worby and Frayne made headlines when the former, a 39-year-old takeaway delivery man, handed the latter in at a police station while wearing a superhero suit.
Frayne later pleaded guilty to handling stolen goods and trying to use a stolen cheque, and is awaiting sentence.
When he appeared before magistrates yesterday on the separate burglary charge, Frayne pleaded not guilty.
Prosecutor Jane Farrar asked to Frayne to be remanded in custody because of an alleged breach of a court order at his new home in Cleethorpes, Lincolnshire.
However, magistrates granted him bail on condition he observe a curfew, live at home [I doubt that will be a problem -Ed.] and not attempt to contact Worby, who has not yet entered a plea.
The pair were pictured at a police station in Bradford on February 25, and Worby sparked public imagination because of his unusual outfit.
His identity was revealed the next week, when he said that he had been wearing the Batman suit during Bradford City’s League Cup final match against Swansea City before travelling home that night.
Speaking after the incident, he said: ‘I’m no superhero. I eat kebabs. I never run anywhere. The furthest I walk is from my house to my car.
‘I’ve never done fancy dress before, it’s not my thing. So for this to happen the first time I dress up, I just can’t believe it.’ [DailyMail]

Oh, he’s still a superhero, but I think we may have to shorten his name from “British Batman” to just “British Man,” because this is the most British story I’ve ever read. Like, more British than Benedict Cumberbatch wearing a powdered wig on his way to the Cross-Dressing and Tomatoes for Breakfast Festival in a double-decker bus. “I’m no superhero. I eat kebabs.”

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When you write about movie stars and celebrities for a living like I do, you start to get a feel for which of them have the craziest fans. Tom Cruise is up there, but in my experience, no one inspires rambling, insane defenses of a guy you might not have even insulted in the first place quite like Hugh Jackman. Which is why I’m not surprised that it was Hugh Jackman at whom an obsessed fan threw her pube clippings while screaming “I LOVE YOU!” over the weekend. It didn’t work, either, which means I’m going to have to rethink my entire courtship strategy.

She crossed the bikini line.

Oh, New York Post, don’t ever change.

A deranged female stalker burst into Hugh Jackman’s West Village gym and threw an electric razor filled with her pubic hair at him during his morning workout yesterday, police sources told The Post.
She was screaming “I love you!” as a staffer dragged her away from the star.

In her defense, she probably just saw Trance, and shaving pubes totally worked as a seduction strategy in that movie. The caveat is that you have to look like Rosario Dawson.

The actor, who plays Wolverine in the “X-Men” movies, was exercising at Gotham Gym on Washington Street at about 8 a.m. when Kathleen Thurston, 47, bushwhacked him.
The blond stalker, wearing khaki pants and a blue hoodie, was hysterically sobbing as she slipped past the check-in desk at the tiny gym and made a beeline for the actor, said Mike Castle, 35, a Gotham trainer.
“She was crying,” said Castle, who was in the facility’s boxing ring. “I physically removed her from the place, then I called the cops.”
Thurston shouted her desperate declaration of love for Jackman.
Then she reached into her waistband and launched the dirty razor at her obsession.
Jackman thought the unhinged woman was grabbing for a gun or a knife, said one police source.
He backed away as soon as she made a move for her nether regions.

Do you think we’ve reached the best part of the story? Well I’ve got news for you, compadre, we haven’t.

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