Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel’s Life as We Know It has been in theaters a week now, and while it seems like the obvious choice to just compile all the meanest review quips (“a living hell of a movie” -Rolling Stone), that’s too easy.  Instead, we have this game we play where we try to recreate the plot of the movie using only expository quotes (no analysis!) from reviews.  Exposition can be hard to find in reviews of a film that already provides every single dramatic beat in the trailer.  But you know what they say: that’s just life as we know it.

He’s a womanizing pig who works in the TV control booth for a professional Atlanta sports team. She’s a nurturing homebody who runs a gourmet store and bake shop like the one Meryl Streep had in “It’s Complicated.” Neither one knows the first thing about changing diapers. [WashingtonPost]

Holly Berenson (Heigl) and Eric Messer (Duhamel) — or “Mess,” as he is aptly known — get set up on a blind date by their friends, and it’s a disaster. He arrives scruffy. She’s ever so put together. He rides a battered motorcycle. She’s got a spiffy gas-sipper hardly bigger than his bike. [Washington Post/Denver Post]

Arriving an hour late with no dinner reservations and a post-date tryst already lined up, he takes a booty call from his late-night hookup. [New York Times]

But that’s set aside when their best friends are killed in a car crash. In their will, they named Holly and Messer as caretakers of their infant daughter — they’re little Sophie’s godparents. [Detroit News]]

Conveniently enough, there are no blood relatives who can take in the kid, other than one cousin who’s a stripper, another who already has nine children and a grandfather on an oxygen tank. [WashingtonPost]

Haha, a stripper with a kid, can you imagine!?!

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In honor of Katherine Heigl’s new movie, Life As We Know It opening this weekend — you know, the one where she gets baby poop on her face — the folks at Nerve recently put together this little compilation of clips from Katherine Heigl movies that shows what it takes to make out with Katherine Heigl.  Basically, all you have to do is

• Be a scruffy chauvinist, cynical but with a good heart
• Get stuck with her for a while — car ride, car accident, blind date, new job, etc.
• Use your boyish charm to teach her an important lesson about not taking life too seriously

Boom, next thing you know, you’re lockin’ lips with K-Heigz.  Though I don’t know why you’d want to.  Didn’t you see the part with the baby poop on her face?  Anyway, the point is, all Katherine Heigl movies are the same.  Haha, “Get out of my smart car!”  Classic!

I’ll do you one better, Nerve. Here’s every Katherine Heigl movie in a single picture:

(video via BestWeekEver)

I know I already labeled Katherine Heigl’s other movie, Killers, “Win a Date with Tard Hamilton,” but I may have been a little premature (as is my wont).  It seems she’s doing this whole OTHER movie with the ACTUAL Tard Hamilton — you know, that one guy, Mr. Fergie.  It’s called Life as We Know It.

It starts out with Kegel Heigz and Tard Hamz gettin’ set up on a blind date. You’ll never believe this, but they don’t like each other right away.  In fact, they might even be complete opposites!  Like we’re talkin dueling, paper thin clichés like a positive and negative Rorschach blot that says “FART.”  She‘s a prim-and-proper career chick with a neat-ass apartment and a 5-year plan and sh*t.  He’s a lovable rogue, as evidenced by his hockey cap and novelty ring tone.  To add (*record scratch*) to (*bike horn*), he’s sitting in her SMART CAR wearing a MOTORCYCLE JACKET!  They’re the original odd couple!  But pretty soon, God has to kill their mutual friend so fate can bring them together.  Wouldn’t you know it?  Their dead friends had a baby, and they just up and willed that little f*cker to these two wacky opposites!  At the estate hearing, the judge took one look at these two unmarried, separately-dwelling Caucasians and shouted, “I SMELL HIJINKS! CASE CLOSED!” He banged his gavel, an old lady slipped on a banana peel, the sassy black baliff shouted “AW HELL NAW!” and a good laugh was had by all.  You see, sometimes you find love in the strangest of places, and all it takes is a little baby poop on your face.

America’s sweetheart and noted joy-to-work-with Katherine Heigl has signed up for Life as We Know It, which surprisingly isn’t a Lifetime movie of the week.

Project dates back to 2001, when Revolution bought the spec from scribes Ian Deitchman and Kristin Rusk Robinson. Story follows two unattached adults whose worlds are turned upside down when their mutual best friends die in an accident and name them as caregivers for their orphaned daughter.  Heigl and her mother Nancy Heigl are exec producing. [Variety]

Just in case you’re an aspiring screenwriter, here are the templates for a Katherine movie:

COMEDY: A wacky circumstance brings two attractive people together.  At first they resist, then they fall in love.

DRAMA: A tragic circumstance forces two attractive people together.  At first they cry, then they struggle, then they fall in love.

Also, another great comedic device is if the main character has to adopt an otter.