What a second, all 555 numbers go to Hollywood.

We saw a sizzle reel a while back, and now we’ve got a full trailer for Goon**, the hockey enforcer movie starring Seann William Scott and Jay Baruchel (not to be confused with Hit Somebody, the Kevin Smith hockey enforcer movie that also had Scott attached to star at one point). The plot is that Seann William Scott goes to a local hockey game as a spectator and beats up the opposing team’s enforcer, and then gets recruited by the team himself, even though he can’t skate or shoot or deke or fiffle or any of the other things hockey players do. He’s actually a lot like Kenan Thompson’s character in The Mighty Ducks 2, only instead of a knuckle puck, he uses his actual knuckles to punch people. It’s a shame, society has gotten so violent since ’94. Yet another reason we need you now more than ever, Gordon Bombay.

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This is the first trailer for Salt (this one’s in English, though a Russian-dubbed one was making the rounds yesterday).  It made the “Black List” (the list of the best unproduced screenplays as voted on by Hollywood types) back in 2007, when it was called Edwin A. Salt, and was set to star Tom Cruise in a film by Michael Mann. Mann later dropped out and Hancock director Peter Berg joined the project.  Then Cruise dropped out and they hired Quiet American director Phillip Noyce, and re-wrote Cruise’s part for Angelina Jolie, whose character is now named Evelyn A. Salt, which is a shame because everyone knows only c-nty Women Studies professors are named “Evelyn.”

Finally we get a trailer, featuring Jolie opposite Liev Shrieber and Chiwetel Ejiofor, in what looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill thriller, in which the main character may or may not be a Russian spy.  It seems like a perfect fit for Cruise, I wonder why he dropped out.  I can think of only one explanation — there must’ve been gay people in there.  So come on, fess up, who was it?  Was it you, Liev?  Chuy? Tom Cruise needs to know so he can avoid you.

After the jump, watch the trailer forTaking Woodstock, Brokeback/Crouching Tiger director Ang Lee’s latest film.  “Based on a true story” (whatever the hell that means any more), it stars comedian Dmitri Martin as Elliot Tiber, a closeted gay man living with his parents in upstate New York who offers his family’s property as the venue for the Woodstock festival.  I’m pretty excited about this – it’s so rare that my generation gets to relive the 60s through pop culture these days.  Please, tell me more about Bob Dylan and the Vietnam war protests. I’m on the edge of my seat.

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Silly Wolverine, bringing a bayonet to a dirt clod fight

After the jump, watch “Brothers”, the latest 60-second TV spot for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, which shows Wolverine fighting in the Civil War, Wolverine fighting in World War II, Wolverine fighting in Vietnam… Maybe the twist is that he’s like some 1000 year old vampire who moved to Seattle to bang high school chicks or something like that.  Or maybe he became a superhero by being the only guy to kill more gooks than Clint Eastwood.  Back when I was in Korea, we wouldn’t waste a bullet on a gook. We’d just push ‘em off the top of our giant pile a dead gooks…

Anyway, watch it while you can, because the people at Fox are busy trying to get it pulled from the Internet.  That’s right, they’re trying to stop people from seeing their commercial.  Why?  Because they’re f-cking idiots, that’s why.  Fox is the company God created to make everyone else look smart by comparison.

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^{Homophobic Turtle sees nothing wrong with flexing and grimacing… though his shell feels harder all of a sudden.}

I’m cautiously optimistic about the Wolverine movie.  But it’s hard not to notice that the new trailer has more grimacing and flexing in it than Everybody Does Raymond (great flick, btw).  I know Wolverine’s supposed to be a really manly dude and all, but there’s a fine line between acting really manly and acting like a gay cocktease. I mean… so I’ve heard. From a homosexual. Who I stress, I’m just friends with.  GRRR, WRESTLING PARTNER!

Also: Fox made this. Ruh roh. (Video below)

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