If you’ve been reading this site long, you probably know by now that I’m a big fan of old letters. They’re a unique window into the mind of the public figures who wrote them, not to mention a novelty of a bygone era when people still passed each other notes through the mail and didn’t have internet porn and probably wore fancy hats on planes.  Today’s note comes from Roald Dahl, author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, the Fantastic Mr. Fox, and about a billion other things. Apparently a group of students read his short story collection, “The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More,” and sent him some questions about it.

This was Dahl’s response:

Hello handsome Mr. Johnson and all the clever children who wrote me such lovely letters. I am afraid I am not allowed to answer your questions about Henry Sugar.

There is an old woman in our village with a beard. It’s quite long and black. I asked her why she didn’t shave it off. She said, “If I did, nobody would notice me.”

There is a farmer near here who breeds white mice. He fries them in butter for his supper. “They’re very tasty,” he says.

With lots of love from

Roald Dahl

I never read that book, but I checked out the Wikipedia page, and as far as I know, the woman with a beard and the mouse-eater are just some random sh*t Roald Dahl came up with off the top of his head and not references to anything, which is pretty awesome. “To answer your question, no, I’m not allowed to answer your questions. But here’s a story about ladybeards.” Three paragraphs and not a single reference to Churchill or Dostoyevsky? James Toback thinks you’re doing it wrong.

Another thing to take away from this is that Roald Dahl clearly used two spaces after a period. So, the next time you hear someone ranting about how it’s one space after a period and always has been and who learned the other way, you can simply point to this letter and tell them to suck your wiener. Roald Dahl said so.

[From this guy via Buzzfeed]

It’s a needless effort to remind everyone how awesome Phil Hartman was, but if we don’t take the time to recognize his unparalleled genius on occasion, today’s kids may replace him in comedy’s history books with Kevin James and Nick Cannon. Today’s reminder of just how awesome the legendary character actor was comes in the form of a letter that he wrote to an aspiring standup comic, Michael, who currently writes for the blog at Happy Fatties (sorry, but I can’t find the guy’s last name on the website).

The comic wrote a hand-written letter to Hartman in 1996, detailing his career ambitions and how Hartman inspired him, and he included samples of his work. Not surprisingly, for the guy that we’ve always been told that Hartman was, he responded.

Four months later I received my self-addressed, stamped envelope. Inside was a two-page (front and back) hand-written response from Phil. He gave me what I needed at the time: Constructive criticism, an honest assessment, and, most importantly, direction. This meant the world to me. A man that was THAT busy at the time (doing Newsradio, The Simpsons, commercials, films, and God-knows-what-else) took the time out to not only respond to my letter, but listen to the tape I sent him. It wasn’t lost on me, even at that age.

I don’t have anything else to add, other than Hartman was f*cking awesome – a rare and now extinct breed of comedy perfection. I could write a few thousand words on his influence and spectacular style, but thankfully Josh Kurp already did that for Warming Glow. Check out Hartman’s letter after the jump.

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You can’t put a price on directness like this.  I’m hiring this guy to draft all my memos from now on.  |Examiner|

MORNING LINKS

A Golden Treasury Of Planking [Uproxx]

10 Redditor’s Wife Meme Variations That Have Definitely Happened IRL [Uproxx]

Warming Glow’s Summer TV Preview [WarmingGlow]

Colombian Women Love Pole Dancing [WithLeather]

The best of X-Men cosplay. |GammaSquad|

Michael Jordan’s 10 Most Memorable Revenge Games [TSS]

Vampire Corgi vs. Vacuum Corgi in a cuteness battle. |TheDailyWhat|

Dad kills daughter’s phone for turning her into a slut.  He must’ve seen Fireproof. |GorillaMask|

ESPN had naked tittays on their website. |NYCStool|

“Bird Steals from Sad Wallaby” is my new favorite Gif. I TASTE YOUR TEARS, WALLABY. |PICTURED|

Justin Bieber eatin’ a bitch out and Justin Bieber givin’ a bitch a foot massage ain’t even the same thing. |TheSuperficial|

Awesome picture: what arcade rooms looked like in the 80s. |UnrealityMag|

The Man Who Discovered THC [Fark]

Rock of Ages pictures look about as horrible as you’d expect of an Adam Shankman movie. God that guy sucks. |WWTDD|

More proof those Blake Lively pictures are real. I wish her boobs looked less fake, but my God, what a wonderful time to be alive. |WWTDD|

8-Year-Old’s idea for a family crest featuring an electric bear riding an electric shark becomes reality. |Buzzfeed|

Are These Alleged Nude Photos of Blake Lively Real? [Brobible]

8 Netflix Instant Watch TV Series To Make Your Lazy Summer Downright Lethargic [Pajiba]

How to give the best Valedictorian speech, by Brandon Mendolson. |HolyTaco|

Sarah Silverman on her way back to TV (Yay!). |ScreenJunkies|

Comments of the Week | THE FROTCAST (OUR PODCAST) ON iTUNES | FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK | FILMDRUNK ON TWITTER.

I doubt any of us were under the impression that Marlon Brando wasn’t a super eccentric dude, but even with that knowledge, reading his creepy, 1966 pick-up letter to a stewardess is still enough to send douche chills through the ages.  Here’s the transcript, and keep in mind, in 1966, Brando still looked like the banner picture, and hadn’t yet turned into this.

When he wrote the following letter in 1966, Marlon Brando was above the Atlantic Ocean flying from New York to London. Also on that plane was the letter’s recipient: a senior air stewardess who, due to her taking care of another passenger following a sudden downturn in health mid-flight, had spent much of the journey sitting directly in front of the enigmatic actor. He was clearly enamoured by her, and handed over the note as he left the aircraft.

Dear Lady —

There is something not quite definable in your face — something lovely, not pretty in a conventionally thought of way. You have something graceful and tender and feminine (sp). You seem to be a woman who has been loved in her childhood, or else, somehow by the mystery of genetic phenomena you have been visited by the gifts of refinement, dignity and poise. Perhaps you cannot be accredited with all that.

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As Hunter Thompson showed us this morning, there’s nothing wrong with writing candidly in a cover letter to a prospective employer.  Daryl here is an earnest and energetic leading man who just finished playing a rapist, and that’s fine.  The only problem I see is his child-like handwriting, which makes it look as if he scrawled this with a safety pencil during crafts time at the asylum.  My suggestion?  Next time, Daryl, don’t hand write the letter. You want this to look professional. Instead, try cutting the letters out of magazines and pasting them on the page.  It’s like owning a home printing press!  No charge for the free advice.  Good luck, Daryl!

[Awl]