I was hoping to get to this before your mom sends it to you as an email attachment, but Jennifer’s Body just released a bunch of new clips including MEGAN FOX AND AMANDA SEYFRIED’S LESBIAN KISS*.  It doesn’t have MEGAN FOX NAKED or a NIPPLE SLIP MEGAN FOX SCISSORING AN ASIAN STUMP PORN WHORE UPSKIRT CAM, but I guess it’s still pretty newsworthy.  (I realize I already posted the kiss part, but this time the scene is in context.  You know, because that’s important.)  She actually does pretty well in these, acting-wise.  I’m not convinced that she isn’t the terrible actress we all came to know and love in Transformers, but she seems like a good fit for Diablo Cody’s campykitschycutesy dialog.  I gather the plot is that some mean boys went “all Benihana on her ass” and left her for dead and now she’s out for revenge. I guess these slasher movies always have to have some crazy revenge motive. Does it really matter? Just once I’d like to see one where the final scene is, “Huh, I never thought about why I did it. When it comes down to it, I guess I’m just kind of a c’nt.”

*I admit most of my experience with lesbians involves porn and walking the dog in Park Slope, but I always thought a “lesbian kiss” involved tongue.  And/or fisting.

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Entertainment Tonight recently did a piece on Diablo Cody’s Jennifer’s Body and something something something MEGAN FOX AND AMANDA SEYFRIED LESBIAN KISS!!!  Luckily the lesbian kiss (also the name of a cover band I used to play in) comes just 12 seconds in, because the rest of it is like watching Death Proof over and over with the car crashes cut out.  “Please, tell us more about your character, Evil Cheerleader #4, I’m fascinated by her psychology.”  Amanda Seyfried (who’s playing a character named “Needy”, apparently), actually manages to come off dumber than her Mean Girls character.  It’s like she has ESPN or something.  And then Diablo Cody shows up wearing heart-shaped sunglasses and a leopard-print trench coat to make me regret ever defending her.  Please tell me that’s a costume.  It looks like she’s interviewing for the Katy Perry detective agency.

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After the success of The Wrestler, it’s been easier for Darren Aronofsky to get Black Swan greenlit.  Carson Reeves read the script and posted a review:

Can I just tell you why none of my review matters? Can I just tell you why my review is absolutely pointless?

Because in this movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have sex.

Yeah. You read that right. And not just nice sweet innocent sex either. We’re talking ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex. [...]

I read the rest of the review (major spoiler in the last one third) , and he’s right.  None of the rest of that review matters, because the whole time I’m reading I’m thinking, “Yeah, but what about the drugged-up angry ballerina lesbian sex?  You can’t just talk about Swan Lake now, monkeyfighter. The world must know.”

~ robopanda

Pictured: a lesbian vampire’s axewound

Lesbian Vampire Killers began as a challenge to come up with the most commercial movie title ever, and the rest is sort of paint by numbers.  It opens in the UK on March 20.  Still no word on a US release, but after the jump you can watch the trailer.  It basically looks like a poor man’s Shaun of the Dead.  And for some reason, the lesbian vampire blood looks like semen.  Is that some kind of British irony humor?  You can never tell when these fruits are joking.  Here in the good ol’ US of A, when know we’re supposed to laugh because Kevin James’ pants are falling down.

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Lesbian Vampire Killers has a new poster out which is good, because posters seem to be the main focus of their marketing efforts.

BAFTA winning comedy-duo James Corden and Mathew Horne (Gavin & Stacey) decide to escape their problems and head to the countryside for a weekend of debauchery.  Things don’t quite go to plan and they find themselves stuck in a village where all the women have been enslaved by a legendary vampire curse. As the night unfolds the boys have to put all of their fears (and dreams) behind them in order to rise to the challenge of becoming LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS. [horror-movies.ca]

They won’t go down without a bite. “Bite” because they’re vampires, “go down” because they’re lesbians, you see.  Isn’t that clever?  These Brits and their educations, they’re freakin adorable, like a baby chick wearing a monocle*.  Although at this point I’d still rather read about this movie than actually see it.

*Whom I would name Darlington Cheepsworth