Paramount has confirmed what we basically already knew, that they’re making a movie out of Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman character. My guess, he’ll co-star opposite Betty White and whatever next week’s number one trending topic on Twitter is.

Tom Cruise, along with Ben Stiller and Stuart Cornfeld of Red Hour Films will produce and have secured the life rights to Grossman.
Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman’s life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘F**king  kill the sh*t out of this movie and make Citizen f**king Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”
Adam Goodman, Paramount Film Group President said, “Everything I learned in this business, I’ve learned from Les. I started out as his assistant, and from the first day he threw his desk at me when I got his lunch order wrong, I have loved him like a father.  I am forever grateful to Ben and Stuart Cornfeld and their ability to secure his highly-coveted life rights.” [From the press release]

HAHAHAHA (*armpit fart*).   Look, I never liked Tom Cruise’s Les Grossman character because, although it’s mildly funny, they took an interesting concept and turned it into a pandering, fat-guy dancing joke.  Hey, assh*les, one Kevin James is already too many.  My opinion aside, Tom Cruise likes it, and if Tom Cruise took up racquetball, Hollywood would be there to wash his sweat band.  (As long as there were no gays in there.)

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Is Les Grossman Tom Cruise’s way back to the top of the box office?

I’ll give Tom Cruise some credit for being a good dancer the other night, but I still say that the funny character Les Grossman could’ve been is more than overshadowed by Tom Cruise’s over-the-top mugging and self satisfaction.  Also consider: Why would an overbearing studio exec based on Harvey Weinstein (or Sumner Redstone, or whoever) be constantly dancing to rap music?  It has nothing to do with the character, it’s just pure, cheesy-ass pandering. If you think it’s hilarious when people break into choreographed hip hop dance numbers for no reason, you should go watch Marmaduke or Beverly Hill Chihuahua.

ANYWAY, now you idiots have gone and done it, because Paramount and Tom Cruise are making a Les Grossman movie.  It was widely reported yesterday that Tom Cruise smiled and said “we’re working on it,” when asked about the possibility.  That doesn’t necessarily mean anything, because actors say that kind of stuff all the time and are all untrustworthy sociopaths.  It gains credibility, however, when you consider that Cruise has been talking about this since 2008, and Pajiba (NERDS!) mentioned Paramount being “in the early stages of development” on a Les Grossman movie as recently as February.

Bottom line: of course they’re doing it.  They greenlit a movie about a magic f*cking eight ball for Christ’s sake, you think they wouldn’t make one about some half-assed MTV joke all the kids seem to enjoy, starring their favorite actor?  So congratulations, all you people who think I’m a d*ck for not enjoying this bit.  I hope you like your satire both toothless and pointless (yay, another dance number!). This will make a Jay Leno roast of Kevin Eubanks look like that Iraqi shoe thrower guy.

In a pair of new video promos for the MTV Movie Awards (the only awards show in which Kate Hudson gets the respect she deserves), Tom Cruise reprises his role as Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder.  Now, I know a lot of people really liked his cameo in Tropic Thunder. But with all due respect, you people need to take the Retard Bus back to Two and a Half Men Town and stop pretending your opinion is valid.  It’s awful, and the worst thing about it is that the character concept and his makeup (especially the hands) are really funny. But then Tom Cruise has to ruin it by mugging for the camera and beating you over the head with every joke.  And they always show the part where he raps along to Ludacris, which is like a root canal for my eyeballs.  How is this any different than Queen Latifah teaching Steve Martin to act street in Bringing Down the House? Or Sinbad teaching Phil Hartman to act street in Houseguest? Or Karl Rove rapping in whatever circle of hell this was?  Unhip white people rapping has been around for 20 years now. IT’S NEVER FUNNY. NEVER EVER.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP ENCOURAGING IT.

Anyway, here’s more of that.  Now stay the hell off my lawn.

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Now that Tom Cruise has been nominated for a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Les Grossman (a nomination which, let’s face it, is entirely conceivable that Cruise bribed and/or lobbied for), everyone wants to know what the next step for the character is.  And by ‘everyone’, I mean people who get paid to kiss celebrity ass for a living.

“I’ve talked about doing different videos with the character,” Cruise said. “I’ve started working with Ben [Stiller] on it, and we’ve kind of talked about different things to do. We were gonna do some in our free time, but we haven’t found the free time…yet.” [E! Online]

Wow, is that a threat?  Look, I know there are actually lots of respectable people who thought Les Grossman was funny. But if you’re one of them, ask yourself what was funny about it: was it the character, the dialog, the makeup, a combination of the three; or Tom Cruise’s vacant-eyed stare?  I humbly submit that any idiot off the street would’ve been better.  And as for trying to do Funny or Die videos with it or whatever: dude, just stick to filming your Scientology ceremonies.  Those are hilarious!