If my high school years taught me anything, it’s that F. Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby is about 215 pages long and not nearly as entertaining as Beavis & Butthead. Fortunately for today’s lazy AP English nerds, Gatsby is now a Baz Luhrmann film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as the titular man whom Thornton Melon once referred to as “great”.

DiCaprio’s Jay Gatsby re-woos Carey Mulligan’s Daisy Buchanan, while Tobey Maguire’s Nick Carraway and Isla Fisher’s Myrtle Wilson do whatever it is that they did in that book that you know you only read the Cliff’s Notes for, so quit acting like you’re excited to see it. Also, Gemma Ward has a small role in the film and I’m an admirer of some of her other work.

But now The Great Gatsby has a trailer and you can see just how Baz-Luhrmann-esque it all is, complete with a Jay Z soundtrack, because I hear he was huge in 1919.

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Entertainment Weekly just broke the first pictures from Quentin Tarantino’s slave western, Django Unchained, and I know every time I write about Tarantino, someone in the comments tells me how Tarantino is a hack and how he much sucks, and how gay everyone is for liking him. Well I’d like to cordially invite those people to lick my balls because this looks amazing. All I’ve ever wanted is to combine pulpy Tarantino violence with sumptuous vests and ascots and pocket watches.Violence and period fashion! This movie has everything!

Without getting too much into Entertainment Weekly’s spoilerish rundown, the basic plot is that Jamie Foxx plays a Django, a slave freed by bounty hunter Christoph Waltz, who teaches him the tricks of the trade and helps him find his wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington), who ends up in a crazy place called Candyland, where a sadistic slavemaster named Calvin Candy (Leonardo DiCaprio) makes his slaves do gladiatorial-style battle.

I can’t imagine that not being great, unless Tarantino and the wizard get into some bad coke and 40 minutes of the movie ends up being Broomhilda gabbing with her girlfriends about nothing a-la Deathproof. Sidenote: Look at that ornate saddle! I wonder if the production borrowed that from Steven Seagal’s collection.

One more picture below:

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Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

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You Luhrmann'd my Gatsby! You Fitzgerald my Luhrmann! Either way, this Carraway is completely Tobey'd!

For lovers of Jazz Age literature, I thought it couldn’t get any better than Woody Allen’s fictionalized depictions of Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald (to say nothing of Hemingway) in Midnight in Paris. But in case the tongue-in-cheek time travel movie wasn’t, you know, sumptuous enough for you, vis a vis visual feasts, Warner Bros just released the first official publicity stills from Baz Luhrmann’s adaptation of The Great Gatsby (not to be confused with a batch of set pictures I posted a while back). Leonardo DiCaprio plays Jay Gatsby, Carey Mulligan gets to keep her regular hair as Daisy Buchanan, and Tobey Maguire embodies the dandy fancyboy rube role he was made for in Nick Carraway. The man was practically born with a carnation on his lapel.

On a separate note, if this succeeds in bringing back flapper headbands for girls again, I’m going to punch somebody.

One more picture after the jump, plus a Hemingway clip from Midnight in Paris, because I couldn’t resist.

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"Coloreds? This is highly irregular."

As if hipsters didn’t already have enough reason to buy vintage clothes, Baz Luhrmann is directing a film adaptation of The Great Gatsby set to open next Christmas, sure to be a sumptuous visual feast for everyone from the casual fan to the die-hard Luhrmaniac. It stars Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby, along with Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan, Joel Edgerton, and Isla Fisher. DiCaprio as the title character cuts a dashing figure in these new pictures from the set in Sydney’s Centennial Park, but something about the way Tobey Maguire rocks the collared sweater and floppy bow tie (as would-be writer Nick Carraway) absolutely steals the show for me. Tobey Maguire was born to play the Little Lord Fauntleroy role. He looks like what would happen if you brought a wedding-cake figurine to life and taught it skip around whistling jazz tunes. He’s like a human Jiminy Cricket.

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