"OI, QUAID! Start da fookin' reactor, ya styoopid coont!"

Len Wiseman’s Total Recall remake starring Colin Farrell is set for August of next year, and in their latest issue, EW just published the first photo. So I guess now we know what a single frame of that might look like (*dusts off hands, folds hands behind head, leans back in chair, waits for profits to roll in*).  Last we heard about this project, the plot, based on Phillip K. Dick’s “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale”, was now about a conflict between the “nation-states” of Euroamerica and New Shanghai, and may not involve Mars or space at all. No word on that in the latest piece, but they do say it will be less “jokey.” Phew, thank God. Hey, could you tone down some of the action while you’re at it? The original seemed awful rambunctious.

In the magazine, Farrell says “the tone will be much less jokey” than Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s 1990′s sci-fi hit. He says, “there’s not as much tongue-in-cheek” and that he wouldn’t feel comfortable delivering lines like ‘Consider dat a divorce!’” [TheFilmStage]

Really? Yet he had no qualms about karate chopping a midget in the neck and saying, “Back off, sharty!”? This seems like a strange thing to mention. I’m just saying, if I was doing a remake of Total Recall, that was no longer set in space, with a director who’d done two Underworld movies and a Die Hard sequel, “Wait, but will Colin Farrell be able to match Arnold Schwarzenegger’s natural flair for comedy?” probably wouldn’t even make the top 10 on my list of concerns.

Few projects have people of my generation crying foul faster than the Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard) remake of Total Recall starring Colin Farrell.  But the truth is, we’re getting older and the sooner we get used to being overrun by these Bieber-obsessed autotune toddlers from the Disney Channel, the easier it will be.  Another disturbing fact: if Total Recall (1990) was a person, it’d be old enough to drink legally (!!!).

Anyway, today’s news is that Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad will be playing the bad guy in the remake (Yay!), but that’s not the weird part:

The original 1990 movie was based on a Philip K. Dick story, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.” The film  followed a man haunted by a recurring dream of journeying to Mars who buys a literal dream vacation from a company called Rekall Inc., which sells implanted memories. The man comes to believe he is a secret agent and ends up on a Martian colony, where he fights to overthrow a despotic ruler controlling the production of air.

The new story involves nation states Euromerica and New Shanghai, with Douglas Quaid (Farrell) a factory worker in the latter who begins to believe he is a spy, although he doesn’t know for which side.  Cranston would play Vilos Cohaagen, the leader of Euromerica who, under the cover of protecting his people, is secretly readying an invasion of New Shanghai. [THR]

Wait, so instead of being set on a Martian colony with freaky-looking aliens…

Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve known about the Total Recall remake since last July, but apparently I missed the memo about it starring Colin Farrell as Quaid.  It seems like bizarre casting when you compare him to Schwarzenegger, but on the other hand, I can totally imagine Colin Farrell feeling up a three-breasted prostitute.  Hell, there’s probably pictures.  Anyway, Farrell’s casting isn’t new news, but it was confirmed in Sony’s announcement of their 2012 releases.  Get a load of this slate of films:

First up, I Hate You Dad, the father-son comedy starring Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg [who are 12 years apart in age -Ed], is scheduled for June 22nd. Next up, Frank Coraci’s action-comedy Here Comes the Boom starring Kevin James [the MMA-saves-the-rec-center movie] has been scheduled for July 27th. And finally, Len Wiseman’s re-imagining of Philip K. Dick’s sci-fi Mars story Total Recall, starring Colin Farrell as Doug Quaid, has been scheduled for release on August 3rd later in the summer [not in 3D]. [via FirstShowing]

Wow, we’ll be treated to ALL of those films in the SAME YEAR?  The year 2012?  I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Ancient Mayans.  I shall humbly sacrifice a capybara and await the judgment of Kinich Ahau and the Ghost Penis of Toltec Itzquoatl.  Also, if “Here Comes the Boom” doesn’t have a fart reference in the poster I shall be most disappointed.

We’ve known Sony was planning a Total Recall remake

START THE REACTOR, COMING SOON!

Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard, “Underworld” films) is in final negotiations to direct Columbia Pictures’ Total Recall, it was announced today by Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, presidents of Columbia Pictures. The film will be a new, contemporized adaptation of Total Recall, which was based on the story, “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. Kurt Wimmer is writing the screenplay. Neal H. Moritz will produce through his Original Film banner.

Haha, “original films.”  Good one, guy who produced The Bounty Hunter.  Anyway, I saw the Wiseman-directed Live Free or Die Hard, and aside from the scene where Bruce Willis outruns a jet in a semi truck, which was one of the more pointless and idiotic things I’ve seen, it actually wasn’t that bad.  But unless it’s the Coen Brothers, Paul Thomas Anderson, Tarantino, Herzog, etc, I have to vote the Total Recall remake idea a big (*dismissive wank*).   So… the plan is to “contemporize” a movie from 1990 that takes place in the future?  I’m not sure what the hell that means, but I can tell you there’s at least a 50-50 shot Quade will be Channing Tatum.  Incidentally, Cam Gigandet would make a good Quato.

Yo, girl.  Ya boy C-Tatez got some Philip K. Dick you can play around wit, nah mean?

Variety today has an article on the candidates for Tom Cruise’s next project (Len Wiseman’s Motorcade, The Tourist, or James Mangold’s Wichita), and more interestingly, a look at the Tom-Cruise-script-doctoring industry.  That is, the writers who get paid to tailor scripts to Cruise’s (*cough*) skills.

While screenwriters all over town have been taking haircuts on every deal [Editor's Note: I think that means they've been getting less], the script doctors in the Cruise derby [why are there doctors in a derby??] have been making as much as $250,000 a week, for two to six weeks, as they hone projects with notes from Cruise. Those writers include Scott Frank, who has been revising the action comedy “Wichita” for Cruise to play an action hero; Richard Curtis, who beefed up “Lost for Words”; and Paul Attanasio, who is now rewriting the rewrite that “Matarese Circle” director Cronenberg delivered. Meanwhile, Billy Ray continues to hone “Motorcade” with notes from Cruise. Christopher McQuarrie is doing the same on “The Tourist,” which the writer is also producing. (Ray and McQuarrie are not technically script doctors because they’ve been writing these projects for months.) [Variety]

Billy Ray reports that he’s been having trouble incorporating Cruise’s last few notes: “Your hair looks nice today.”  “I like your scarf, where’d you get it?” and “Do you like me? Check yes or no.”  Elsewhere, a rival studio is considering going forward with an undoctored script and casting another lead, a controversial strategy they call “acting.”