Well, folks, it’s mid-January, long considered the dumping ground for studios’ crap movies.  It’s stupid. They only do this because they’ve always done this. If they saved a good movie and opened it against a bunch of crap, it’d make a ton of money.  Whatever. At least Extraordinary Measures has contributed  “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!” to the world.  It’s the new “GET OFF MY PLANE!” or “GIMME BACK MY SON!”

Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Extraordinary Measures
This looks good, but since I already know what happens from the trailer, I don’t think I’ll see it.  I also can’t think of Brendan Fraser doing anything else after seeing this gif.  (Thanks, Charlie Meadows)

Legion
Yes, it had an awesome trailer.  And the effects look great.  But it’s also tracking lower than the Tooth Fairy on rottentomatoes (13%). How do you make a fight between angels exciting?  There aren’t any consequences.  They’re already dead, what happens when you shoot them, they turn into a bat?

The Tooth Fairy
The Rock plays the tooth fairy.  Haha, it’s funny because it’s real life and not a bad joke, get it?  Look, I just wanna know how long it’s gonna be before a Samoan black guy in Hollywood can stop getting typecast as a hockey player.  It’s a shameful.

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Legion, which won the coveted Trailer of the Year award right here on FilmDrunk, just released a new clip on Yahoo.  It features Kevin Durand as the angel Gabriel wielding a mace against Paul Bettany as Michael, who’s given up his wings in favor of a machine gun.  It’s okay, I guess.  It’s no old-lady-crawling-on-the-ceiling-like-a-crab, that’s for sure.  And I still haven’t come up with any reasons I should like Kevin Durand.

Also: isn’t a fight between two angels sort of anti-climactic?  What happens to the loser, he has to go down and party with AC/DC?  Be the muse for Old Dogs 2?  Doesn’t seem so bad.

My methodology on this one was pretty simple: it’s one thing to make a good trailer for a movie I’m already eagerly anticipating (Where the Wild Things Are, Dark Knight, etc.), it’s another to make a kick-ass trailer for a movie that seems like something I’d hate.  Legion carries the unholy distinction of being an apocalypse story, looking like a CGI graphic novel movie, and being distributed by veteran turd peddlers Screen Gems.  But I defy you to watch the trailer, especially the last part in the diner, without peeing your pants in terror.  See, this is why all old people belong in homes.  First they start telling pointless stories and smelling funny, next thing you know they’re biting your neck and crawling on the ceiling.  “What was I doin up here again? Hey, we should get lunch, it’s 10:30 already.”

Honorable mention: Nic Cage Shoots a Little Girl, A Killer Inside Me (aka Jessica Alba’s butt and a Kate Hudson autoerotic asphyxiation scene), Bad Lieutenant red band, Tony Jaa does a flip off an elephant, Youth in Revolt red-band, the blood-puking scene from Død Snø.  The Black Dynamite red-band might be the best of all time, but it’s from ’08.

This is the red-band trailer for Legion, starring Paul Bettany, Charles S. Dutton (who has actually killed a man), Dennis Quaid, and Adrienne Palicki.  It was directed by Scott Stewart, co-founder of the FX company The Orphanage, which has an amazingly solid track record.  It opens looking pretty cool, but then it flashes the Screen Gems logo and I’m like, “Uh oh,” because most Screen Gems movie are old smelly ox cock.  But if I’m honest, I have to admit I almost pissed myself in terror a couple times during this.  Towards the end, an old lady comes in Roc’s restaurant and she’s all like, “Your baby’s gonna burn,” and everyone’s like, “What?” and then OH MY GOD SHE BIT THAT GUY ON THE NECK KILL IT WITH FIRE KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

After God loses faith in humanity, the archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) is the only one standing between mankind and the apocalypse. He leads a group of strangers who must protect a woman who is pregnant with Christ in his second coming.

It’s post apocalyptic… because God hates you. Nice. I like the twist. And it’s been a long time since a trailer ripped my face off and effed the nostril hole like this one.  Legion, rated P for pants sh*tting.

[via /Film]