In a bizarre collision of the actor Godless hipsters love to love ironically and the religious wingnuts favorite film franchise, Nic Cage, the man who once rode his motorcycle out of hell, is set to lead a group of survivors to

Nicolas Cage is in negotiations to topline “Left Behind,” a mainstream reboot of the Christian-themed movie trilogy that will mark the first film from Stoney Lake Entertainment, a new production company led by Paul Lalonde of faith-oriented banner Cloud Ten Pictures.
The “Left Behind” franchise is based on the series of books written by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins that have sold more than 65 million copies worldwide.
Lalonde will produce the action thriller with Michael Walker, and co-write the script with John Patus, who wrote 2005′s “Left Behind: World at War.”
Project, budgeted in the $15 million range, was shopped at last year’s American Film Market. Production is expected to begin in early spring with an eye toward wide release in the fourth quarter of 2013. Lalonde told Variety that there is a theatrical guarantee in place from distributor Samuel Goldwyn Films.
The Christian-themed “Left Behind” reboot will follow a group of survivors during the first few hours after the Rapture. [Variety]

On an overseas flight to London, journalist Buck Williams and pilor Rayford Steele are caught in the middle of the most incredible event in history, as without warning dozens of passengers have simply vanished! It soons become apparent that this was not an isolated incident and there are millions of people missing. As chaos and anarchy engulf the world, both men set out on different paths in a desperate search for answers. [Original Left Behind Synopsis]

Yikes. The Rapture, of course, is the Biblical event in which all the true believers spontaneously fly up to Heaven while the sinners fight it out on a post-apocalyptic Earth, buttf*cking each other and listening to AC/DC. Well, I guess it’s sort of fitting that Nic Cage star in a cautionary tale. And if anything can turn people off faith-based entertainment, it’s constant, Nic Cage freakout tantrums.

“Crucify him again, Pontius! His soul is still dancing.”

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Before our favorite sweater-clad sandwich enthusiast, Kirk Cameron, smashed up his computer for tempting him with porno in Fireproof (get it? It’s about firemen AND you going to hell), he starred in three successful films adapted from the Left Behind books, a series about a post-rapture world that sold… holy sh*t… 65 million copies. (Just for perspective, depending on the time of year, you could get on the bestseller list by selling fifty thousand copies).

Now, after two real-life raptures failed to materialize, why not go back to the source, just so we’re all prepared? Though Kirk Cameron won’t be involved, Cloud Ten productions is putting up $15 million (one of the largest independent, faith-based budgets ever) for Paul Lalonde and John Patus (who worked on the original series) to script a fourth Left Behind movie.

Christian-themed movies are in the news once again, especially in light of the success of Courageous, made by Sherwood Films. The movie cost $2 million to make and has grossed almost $28 million domestically, showing that the faith-based film market continues to be one of the most profitable segments in the film business.
The movies were political thrillers that focused on the End of Days and the Rapture. Those Christian beliefs are again the focal point of the new movie but the story will be more in the mold of a classic disaster movie. The plot unfolds during the first few hours after the Rapture and focuses on the survivors. [THR]

Now, correct me if I’m wrong (note: DO NOT CORRECT ME!), but isn’t the rapture what happens when God sucks the souls of all the believers up to heaven while the sinners stay behind and sin together until they rot*? The way see it, this either going to be about flying zombies, porno, or both. Jeez, I should go to church more.

*Much like Belinda at Kirk Cameron’s birthday party, left to rot outside the door without the healing sandwiches of Christ

This week saw two massive bird die offs, first 5,000 in Arkansas, then 500 in Louisiana.  Scientists don’t have an explanation yet, and that’s rough on CNN, because 24 hours of news programming is a lot to fill with, “Damn, homes. That’s messed up.”  What to do?  I know!  We’ll call Fireproof star Kirk Cameron!  He’s bound to have some crazy sh*t to say!  At least, that seemed to be the idea behind having Cameron on Anderson Cooper (either that or they both go to the same bath house). Only when Anderson asked him whether the bird deaths were a sign of the apocalypse, Cameron flipped the script, and actually sounded pretty sane.

Kirk Cameron is not your monkey, Anderson Cooper, he doesn’t even believe in evolution.

[are the birds the end times, Kirk Cameron?]

“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”

“That has more to do with pagan mythology [and not the apocalypse] — the directions the birds flew told some of the followers of those legends that the gods were either pleased or displeased with them. I think people just have a fascination with the religiously mysterious.” [via Moviefone]

“Look, Anderson, if you’re looking for someone to spout off some crackpot religious theory, you’ve got the wrong guy.  I don’t go in for a lot of that hocus pocus.  I’m just a hard-working fella who puts his pants on one leg at a time and believes the grooves on a banana are a code from God that disproves evolution, you know? I leave these conspiracy theories to somebody else.”

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“I’m not gay!  Jesus says nipples are a sin!“

Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof banked heavily on the insane bible thumper demographic and was an enormous success ($500,000 budget, $34 million gross – suck on that, Hollywood Jews).  It recently hit DVD, and someone on the internets was kind enough to put together a compilation of all the best scenes (watch it after the jump).  At first it looks like Kirk Cameron’s gonna beat his wife, but it turns out he just kills his computer with a baseball bat because it got him addicted to porn.  But the creepiest stuff isn’t even the Jesus parts, it’s watching them rip off secular movies like Super Troopers.  They even have a wise cracking black guy!  I suppose the message is, it’s all fun and games until you’re burning in hell.

Also: Kirk Cameron is 38 and looks 12.  I want whatever anti-aging potion he’s taking.  What’s that you say?  It involves abstaining from porn and alcohol?  Hmm.  I’m gonna try bathing in the blood of virgins first, see if that works.

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