When I heard Laurence Fishburne would be playing Perry White in Zack Snyder’s Superman reboot, Man of Steel, my first reaction was “who f*cking cares?” Followed quickly by “who the f*ck is Perry White?” But then I remembered Laurence Fishburne’s daughter does porno and I was vaguely interested in the potential for monkey-fufu jokes. I know, I’m the worst.

White has traditionally been a hard-charging, old fashioned newspaperman, who relies on his ace reporters, Clark and Lois, to get the big scoop. Jackie Cooper played White in the Christopher Reeve-era Superman films, and Frank Langella took on the role in director Bryan Singer’s Superman Returns in 2006. The Superman reboot, produced by Christopher Nolan and directed by Zack Snyder, stars Henry Cavill as Clark (a.k.a. Superman), Amy Adams as Lois, Michael Shannon as General Zod, Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent, and Diane Lane as Martha Kent. David Goyer (Batman Begins) is penning the script. Man of Steel is due to begin filming this fall, and is slated for release on June 14, 2013. [EW]

YOU KNOW IF DAT WAS A BROTHA HE’D A BEEN RUNNIN A NEWSPAPER LIKE THIS, AWWWW SHEEEEEEEEIT.

Perry is white in the comics, so there’ll probably a couple of dipsh*ts out there pissed about this (not to mention Sam Jackson, who’ll be bummed to miss a paycheck). While I agree that’s a little lame when they cast Thor’s sidekicks like a college course catalog stock photo (two white, one black, one Asian), especially since they’re supposed to be, you know, Vikings, swapping a white dude for a black dude every now and then is perfectly acceptable, and vice versa, as long as it’s not Anthony Anderson as a famous waterpolo player or Cam Gigandet as a human. This casting is fine. I think the bigger problem is that this character is just a less-interesting version of JK Simmons in the Spider-Man movies.

JK Simmons rules.

Jesus, how many movies did Steven Soderbergh make this year? He already has Haywire, starring my burly pretend lover Gina Carano coming out in January, and now here’s a trailer for Contagion, which opens in September. Maybe this one didn’t take as long, seeing as how it looks exactly like Outbreak (Update: It has come to my attention that our friend Mike at Screenrant has put together a mash-up on this very subject). The downside is that it has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The upshot is that she dies in the middle of the trailer. Someone must’ve finally called her bluff and gave her a choice between that or letting her kid eat Cup-O-Soup.

Also keep your eyes peeled for the “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT” scene at the 37-second mark. You know that scene. It’s where a minor character, who desperately craves clarification of something he already knows, prefaces a statement with “So let me get this straight…”, in order to deliver important exposition. It’s the fancy screenwriter way of saying, “Are you still with me here, dipsh*ts? Try to keep up.”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE’S A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING FILLED WITH A DEADLY VIRUS… AND IT’S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EIFFEL TOWER?”

“THAT’S RIGHT! …AND MY KID’S IN THERE!”

“LOOKS LIKE THIS TIME… IT’S PERSONAL.”

[next page: bonus gif]
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With news that the 4th and 5th Matrix films will not happen, Laurence Fishburne has some extra time on his hands, and back in August he chose to spend it hiring a private investigator to follow his daughter around. Montana Fishburne is currently facing criminal assault charges, but she took advantage of her daddy’s concern in the most beneficial way imaginable – she staged a suicide attempt.

Knowing that her dad’s P.I. was filming her, Montana pretended to drink a glass of bleach in a “failed” suicide attempt. Her attorney, Shawn Chapman Holley, thought the attempt was real and used the video to convince the prosecutor to agree to a sentence of rehab and no jail. The prosecutor agreed and Montana went on to get the help that she so desperately needed.

Haha, just kidding everyone!

The tape has become relevant in the ongoing criminal assault case against Montana because her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, had sent the tape to the prosecutor to demonstrate her client’s troubled mental state and help get a plea deal that involved rehab, not jail time. The prosecutor agreed to the deal, but has since disavowed it and wants her to do jail time. (Via TMZ)

Hopefully the judge and prosecutor will agree to stick with the rehab sentence so we’re not deprived of Montana putting things in her precious monkey fufu. As for the bleach, it would have only been the 9th most disgusting substance Montana has ingested in 2011.

In almost a mirror image of the infamous “Sad Keanu” picture that set the internet on fire this year, Keanu Reeves’ Matrix co-star Laurence Fishburne was recently spotted looking equally sad, as if he’d just found out someone wrote a rap song about filling his daughter’s vagina with farts. Hey, who hasn’t been there?

Anyway, here’s your obligatory Photoshop:

"Neo, take the blue pill. It's Paxil."

Elsewhere in bored-looking people news, SlashFilm broke a new publicity still from Paul WS Anderson’s (aka Sh*tty Paul Anderson) upcoming three-dimensional take on Three Musketeers.  ALL FOR GAME-CHANGING AND GAME-CHANGING FOR ALL! (*3D glasses*)

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Not a day goes by that I don’t get sent a trailer mashup where someone puts music from one movie over another movie, or recuts a comedy as a drama, or adds Jar Jar Binks, or whatever, and usually they’re not that good.  They get boring after a while, anyway.  But damn, whoever cut together Morpheus explaining The Matrix to The Dude from Big Lebowski is a genius.  This is the best one I’ve seen since Bill &  Ted’s Excellent Inception.  Not only is the editing seamless, the lines from each movie come together in such amazing ways that it seems almost miraculous:

MORPHEUS: “Do you believe in fate, Neo?”
THE DUDE: “Mmm… that and a pair of testicles.”

MORPHEUS: “The Matrix is everywhere.”
THE DUDE: “What is that, yoga?”

MORPHEUS: “You take the blue pill, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”
THE DUDE: “What are you, a fukin park ranger now?”

The guy even squeezed in a joke about The Eagles AND the Big Lebowski hallucination sequence. If he’d managed a Montana Fishburne reference I might marry him.

“You can imagine what happens from there.”
“He puts farts in her monkey fufu?”
“Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey.”

[TheeFinchLynch via HighDefinite]