Here we have the trailer for Last Vegas, directed by Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure, Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and written by Adam Brooks (Bridget Jones Diary, Practical Magic) and Dan Fogelman (Crazy Stupid Love, Fred Claus), a creative dream team united by their love of collecting easy paychecks. Like all horrible paycheck movies, everything you need to know about it is in the title. Four old guys – Robert Deniro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline – are getting back together for one wild weekend in Vegas for Michael Douglas’s bachelor party, and to the actors’ credit, none of them seem to mind that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken already made this movie like three months ago. Like an uncredited sequel to Michael Haneke’s Amour, it’s an unflinching look at the ravages of Father Time, who’ll gradually take away everything you have, starting with the ability to recognize when a script is patronizing you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Fun “Cool Story, Bro” anecdote: I finally went to Las Vegas for the first time in my life, just a few months ago. It was horrible. I will probably never go back. If I want to get hammered and piss away my money at a casino, I’ll do it in New Orleans. But I say this not to poop on the city. No, I bring this up because Hollywood is full of lies, and every TV show and movie that is based around the idea that Vegas is a fun place is just wrong. It’s full of nasty, miserable people, who would shoot their own parents for one more chip. But at least my toilet at the Aria had a heated seat. Silver linings and whatnot.

So that brings us to the new promo still above, for the film Last Vegas, or as IMDB describes it:

Four best friends in their late-60′s decide to escape retirement and throw a Las Vegas bachelor party for the only one of them who has remained single.

First thing’s first: Nobody retires anymore. And if someone does retire, he probably did something that deserves our scorn. Sorry for being a pessimist, but it’s true. If I ever retire, it’s going to be because I sold organs on the black market. Actually, my dad is retired, but I’m convinced he’s CIA, so that’s a completely different story.

Now on to my main point: Do you know what would happen to four 60-something dudes who try to have a good time in Vegas? They’d probably be robbed and killed by a hooker and her pimp. But seriously, have you ever actually looked at a 60-something dude who is in Vegas? Anyone north of 50 in Vegas that is hanging out in a casino is trying desperately to escape a terrible life.

All that said, if you’re looking for a film about Viagra jokes that completely lies to you about Las Vegas and will probably have a tagline like “What happens in Vegas, greys in Vegas” then Last Vegas is the film for you.

I’ve been in the blogging business long enough to know a winner when I hear one, and this concept is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD. Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure) is directing a script by Dan Fogelman (Fred Claus) about four retirees in Vegas for a bachelor party. The title? “Last Vegas.” Dear me, it seems my bow tie won’t stop spinning.

Jon Turteltaub is in negotiations to direct “Last Vegas” for CBS Films and Mandate Pictures.
Dan Fogelman penned the story of four best friends in their late 60s who decide to escape retirement and throw a Las Vegas bachelor party for the only one of them who remains single. [Variety]

Betty White as the hooker with a heart of gold or GTFO.

According to Vulture, an offer went out to Jack Nicholson to star in CBS Films’ LASt VEGAS, a script insiders say is like an AARP version of The Hangover meets Grumpy Old Men meets no f*cking thanks.

The script comes from red-hot screenwriter Dan Fogelman (Cars, Bolt) [Uh...] , who also penned Warner Bros.’ still-untitled Steve Carell–Ryan Gosling comedy that begins filming next month. VEGAS follows four estranged male childhood friends from the fifties who reunite in Vegas to finally marry off Billy, the lifelong unmarried playboy of the group, who — fittingly — might be played by Nicholson. The conflict comes when both Billy the bachelor and Paddy, the widower of the group, begin vying for the affections of the same lounge singer.

Vulture has a script excerpt of the part that introduces Nicholson’s character (if he does agree to sign on), so you can read that over there.  I imagine the rest of it includes jokes where the old guys sabotage each other by replacing their gold bond with itching powder, putting Ben Gay on the inside of their Depends, and replacing their heart pills with Viagra, or their Viagra with ecstasy, or their ecstasy with Flomax.  Jack Nicholson will be trying to get a boner when all of a sudden he finds his restless leg syndrome cured and gets the urge to recklessly gamble.  What am I trying to say is that there will be a joke about switched pills, because that is literally Hollywood’s favorite joke.

Also: AARP version of The Hangover < LARP version of The Hangover.  Just sayin’.

Variety first broke this story last Thursday, but to be honest, I reeeaaally didn’t want to accept what I had heard. So, in an attempt to completely erase all knowledge of this project from my memory, I spent the weekend doing what any virile, young man would have done: drinking moonshine and flicking wadded up dollar bills at underage strippers. Try as I might, I still couldn’t shake the nightmares:

Peter Chelsom (director of Hannah Montana: The Movie) has been chosen by CBS Films to direct Last Vegas, a movie concept so f–king lame that even as I sit here watching this VH1 dating show, it still sounds pretty asinine.

The comedy — which CBS originally acquired as a $1 million pitch — centers on four semi-retired baby boomers who head to Las Vegas when the last of the Coney Island buddies, a successful lawyer in his 60s, decides to tie the knot.

Man, this Chelsom guy really lucked out with his timing, what-with the success of The Hangover and all. Oh, you mean this wasn’t a coincidence after all?

Read the rest of this entry »