I’ve been in the blogging business long enough to know a winner when I hear one, and this concept is GOLD, JERRY, GOLD. Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure) is directing a script by Dan Fogelman (Fred Claus) about four retirees in Vegas for a bachelor party. The title? “Last Vegas.” Dear me, it seems my bow tie won’t stop spinning.

Jon Turteltaub is in negotiations to direct “Last Vegas” for CBS Films and Mandate Pictures.
Dan Fogelman penned the story of four best friends in their late 60s who decide to escape retirement and throw a Las Vegas bachelor party for the only one of them who remains single. [Variety]

Betty White as the hooker with a heart of gold or GTFO.

According to Vulture, an offer went out to Jack Nicholson to star in CBS Films’ LASt VEGAS, a script insiders say is like an AARP version of The Hangover meets Grumpy Old Men meets no f*cking thanks.

The script comes from red-hot screenwriter Dan Fogelman (Cars, Bolt) [Uh...] , who also penned Warner Bros.’ still-untitled Steve Carell–Ryan Gosling comedy that begins filming next month. VEGAS follows four estranged male childhood friends from the fifties who reunite in Vegas to finally marry off Billy, the lifelong unmarried playboy of the group, who — fittingly — might be played by Nicholson. The conflict comes when both Billy the bachelor and Paddy, the widower of the group, begin vying for the affections of the same lounge singer.

Vulture has a script excerpt of the part that introduces Nicholson’s character (if he does agree to sign on), so you can read that over there.  I imagine the rest of it includes jokes where the old guys sabotage each other by replacing their gold bond with itching powder, putting Ben Gay on the inside of their Depends, and replacing their heart pills with Viagra, or their Viagra with ecstasy, or their ecstasy with Flomax.  Jack Nicholson will be trying to get a boner when all of a sudden he finds his restless leg syndrome cured and gets the urge to recklessly gamble.  What am I trying to say is that there will be a joke about switched pills, because that is literally Hollywood’s favorite joke.

Also: AARP version of The Hangover < LARP version of The Hangover.  Just sayin’.

Variety first broke this story last Thursday, but to be honest, I reeeaaally didn’t want to accept what I had heard. So, in an attempt to completely erase all knowledge of this project from my memory, I spent the weekend doing what any virile, young man would have done: drinking moonshine and flicking wadded up dollar bills at underage strippers. Try as I might, I still couldn’t shake the nightmares:

Peter Chelsom (director of Hannah Montana: The Movie) has been chosen by CBS Films to direct Last Vegas, a movie concept so f–king lame that even as I sit here watching this VH1 dating show, it still sounds pretty asinine.

The comedy — which CBS originally acquired as a $1 million pitch — centers on four semi-retired baby boomers who head to Las Vegas when the last of the Coney Island buddies, a successful lawyer in his 60s, decides to tie the knot.

Man, this Chelsom guy really lucked out with his timing, what-with the success of The Hangover and all. Oh, you mean this wasn’t a coincidence after all?

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