I’ve seen a lot of mean movie reviews in my time, but few have generated the kind of hate that The Last Airbender has.  It’s partly to do with the “racist” casting controversy, partly that Shyamalan often comes off as a d*ck, and probably a lot to do with the movie just being really bad.  But according to Shalammy, he hadn’t read any of them.  At least not until a reporter from Vulture read one to him.  Oh yeah, they went there.

Have you read the reviews for Last Airbender?
No, I haven’t.

Well, are you aware of the reviews?
No, actually.

Well, for the most part, critics have not been kind. Are you just ignoring them? Will you read them this weekend? Have you just not had time?
Are you saying that in general they didn’t dig it?

In general, no. Roger Ebert, who liked The Happening, did not. The first line of his review is, “The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category that I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.” How do you react to something like that?

Awwwwkwarrrrrd….

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It didn’t take much more than this clip of gay hadouken fighting to convince me not to see The Last Airbender, but in case you were wondering, the critics hated it too (Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend is currently listed as the only “positive” review).  Normally, I’d give a movie like this my “plot-recreated-through-expository-review-quotes” treatment, but this thing’s so heavy on goofy plot, that would probably take 3,000 words.  Instead I crammed the exposition and analysis together, so we could all bask in the delicious hate.  Enjoy.

“The Last Airbender” is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.” - Roger Ebert

Not since Kyle MacLachlan’s whispered voice-overs about the worm and the spice and the worm IS the spice in “Dune” has a fantasy franchise tripped all over itself trying, simply, to please a fan base while creating a new one. -Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

It’s bad enough that this is one of those glossy CGI monstrosities, utterly divorced from anything resembling reality; transferred needlessly to 3-D, it’s just plain ugly.
The script is so incomprehensible, it’s often difficult to follow, despite several instances of characters stopping whatever they’re doing to explain what’s going on. -Christy Lemire, AP

M. Night Shyamalan’s retrofit produces the drabbest, darkest, dingiest movie of any sort I’ve seen in years. You know something is wrong when the screen is filled with flames that have the vibrancy of faded Polaroids. It’s a known fact that 3D causes a measurable decrease in perceived brightness, but “Airbender” looks like it was filmed with a dirty sheet over the lens. -Ebert again

Every time he meditates or is about to fight, the kid does a little Tae Kwan Do dance, a martial arts demonstration. -Orlando Sentinel

Also bizarre is the manner in which the warring parties fight. A fire bender, say, will toss a fireball at an earth bender, who will throw up a wall of dirt and block it. Meanwhile the fire bender will stand there and wait while the earth bender hits him with a rock or something. It’s using elements as rock-paper-scissors, but done by way of a sort of advanced form of martial arts. Why wait for your enemy? Why not just hit him in the head with a shovel while he’s standing there? -AZ Central

When he talks, he reminds you of the clumsy boy from the bad Star Wars movies. “Remember, your chi will warm you!” -Orlando Sentinel

As for the airbending talent that makes the kid so desirable: It’s kind of like having leaf-blowers shoot out of your hands. Useful for yard work, perhaps, but not a whole lot of fun. -Christy Lemire, AP

Another point is that Aang is raised in the Buddhist tradition, so he can harm no one. So for all the choreographed fights and CG action, this is the most bloodless PG movie one will ever see. If water crystals incapacitating warriors are your thing, than you’ll love these ice sculptures. -Hollywood Reporter

Let’s just be honest: M. Night Shyamalan is an idiot.  -Metromix

Mmmm, that’s some tasty hate.  M. Night took a lot of crap for casting white kids in the roles of characters who were Asian in the cartoons.  It sounds like he tried to compensate by making the film stock all dark and swarthy and ethnic.  Nice try, bro.
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Manny Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender (based on the cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I’ve heard is good) opens this Thursday, and a couple of the fight scenes have leaked online.  All I can say is, wow.  I always thought the Crouching Tiger-style wire fighting (as opposed to more realistic Jackie Chan/Tony Jaa fight choreography) was lame.  This is a step further than that, where they start with the look of wire fighting, then remove all the actual actors and stuntpeople so that it’s like a CGI puppet show.  Oh, and instead of them actually punching or kicking each other, they only fight with CGI water and fire effects that the characters command through ridiculously elaborate hand gestures like an interpretive dance.  If you ask me, this looks retarded.  But then, I’m the last of an ancient line of c*ck benders. (*dismissively wanks*)

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Well it must be your lucky day, because we’ve got a new trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.  It’s about some kid who’s the last heir to a once powerful order like Star Wars, who’s humanity’s only hope against an evil force like The Matrix.  He’s born with ancient markings on his skin like Waterworld, and if he can unite the other elements like Captain Planet and the Fifth Element, he might be able to deliver the world from evil like Lord of the Rings.  I’ve got two fingers crossed and the other eight up my ass.  My sources tell me that as soon as the makeup artist was finished painting tattoos on star Noah Ringer, he was dodging inappropriate advances from Sandra Bullock’s husband.  Haha, good one, Jay!

After all the TV spots, we finally have a full trailer for Manny Shyamalongalong’s The Last Airbender, starring captain sullen face from Slumdog (Dev Patel).  It looks okay, I guess.  Certainly a lot better than other CGI-heavy fantasy flicks like Prince of Persia or Clash of the Titans.  But then M. Night always had a knack for visuals, it was more the crappy stories that were parables for how everyone who criticized him sucks that people had a problem with.

Air, Water, Earth, Fire. Four nations tied by destiny when the Fire Nation launches a brutal war against the others. A century has passed with no hope in sight to change the path of this destruction. Caught between combat and courage, Aang (Noah Ringer) discovers he is the lone Avatar with the power to manipulate all four elements. Aang teams with Katara (Nicola Peltz), a Waterbender, and her brother, Sokka (Jackson Rathbone), to restore balance to their war-torn world.

Meanwhile, his uncle Charlie, a Drinkblender, sat around all day making martinis.  Everyone always liked Charlie.

Aang, huh? This must be that show that deaf kid was trying to tell me about.