Disliking Ed Helms is almost as hard as disliking Ryan Gosling or Paul Rudd.  Which is to say, nearly impossible.  But if I put his nice-guy attitude and adorable a cappella singing aside, I have to admit that the latest project to which he’s signed on sounds a lot like a Larry the Cable Guy or Martin Lawrence vehicle.  Ruh roh!  (*paws over eyes*)

Universal Pictures has acquired the spec script “Central Intelligence” as a star vehicle for Ed Helms.  Ike Barinholtz [a MadTV and Seltzer-Friedberg actor] and Dave Stassen’s script revolves around an accountant who’s thrown into the world of international espionage after reconnecting with an old friend through Facebook. [Variety]

My, can you imagine the hijinks that would ensue if a fast-talking black man dull-witted redneck GOOFY, MILD-MANNERED ACCOUNTANT were suddenly thrown into the HIGH STAKES world of COUNTER INTELLIGENCE?  This summer, ED HELMS is one fish, waaay out of water!  (*air guitar*)  (*fart sound*)

Universal has filed a lawsuit against Lionsgate, claiming Larry-the-Cable-Guy-vehicle Witless Protection stole a character from the 1988 movie Midnight Run. Both movies involve a witness set to testify against the mob, and in both, the witness ends up on the run, pursued by a short-tempered, humorless FBI agent named Alonzo Mosely – played by the same actor, Yaphet Kotto.  The actual text of the suit includes the following gem:

Witless Protection was a box office flop as well as a critical failure.  As of March 2, 2008, the Internet movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes reported that 0% of critics gave the film positve reviews, based on 22 reviews.

Universal seeks to impound and dispose of all copies of the film (and I’d like to add anyone who saw it) and all profits, should there be any.

In their defense, Lionsgate assumed Larry the Cable Guy only stole from dead Vaudevillians and old time minstrel shows – both of which are public domain.

[Source] 

Ebay recently finished a charity auction of "one of a kind celebrity experiences", including:

Tickets for you and a guest to meet Djimon Hounsou at the premiere of his upcoming film Push. (Top bid currently $1,010.54)

An all expenses paid trip to a Counting Crows concert to be their roving correspondent for the day.

Lifeline radios signed by Tom Hanks. (sold for $2550)

A personalized video birthday message from Colin Firth. (sold for $9,300)

There were a couple others involving Scarlett Johansson, Kristin Davis, and Shakira, but my personal favorite was Larry the Cable Guy.

Bid on Larry’s fully loaded 2000 Dodge Ram, 2 VIP tickets to one of his shows, and a meet & greet opportunity! (sold for $22,200)

Clearly Larry upgraded to the 2003.  I heard it has power windows and remote keyless entry.  Oh to be famous, if even for one day…  In related news, I will still eat a cat turd for ten dollars.  Proceeds go to the Lance’s bar tab memorial foundation.

[Thanks to Burnsy for the link]

Click "widescreen" to get rid of the annoying sidebar 

It’s nice to see that Canada’s good ideas aren’t limited to universal health care and putting gravy on French Fries (if you can name one food that isn’t improved by the addition of gravy, then you sir are a fucking liar).  Today’s news is that Larry the Cable Guy-vehicle Witless Protection Program will not get a theatrical release in Canada.  Sample reviews (currently running 0% on RottenTomatoes):

Witless Protection is disgusting, racist, clueless, sexist, charmless, unfunny, infantile, mean-spirited, amateurish, and insulting. In other words, it stars Larry The Cable Guy. Source

I’ve got an idea for Larry the Cable Guy’s next dumb movie. Maybe the lowbrow bumbler with the big heart and even bigger beer gut could play, oh I don’t know, a cable guy? Source

In many ways, this movie reminds me of an Uwe Boll flick. [Ed. Note - That's a burn] Source

Larry The Cable Guy is a cancerous boil on the ass of comedy, but it’s still sort of shocking how little effort he puts into his movies. Source

I began hating it not just for its utter lack of quality as art or entertainment, but for the blackness of its very soul. Source

Anyway, kudos Canada.  You’re one step closer to not being remembered as the country that gave us Nickleback.  But this post wouldn’t be complete without a word from the one RottenTomatoes user who gave Witless a positive review.  See it after the jump.

From RottenTomatoes user Mastermango:

No listen to the crappy reviews because reviewers are just uncreative *******ss that couldnt creat ****. thie movie was ****ing great and better than expected even

Later, after some other users insult him:

u r a troll go away before i slap the dark off ya face

Still later:

wut trailor park do u live in son? imma gone hed down their an slap the dark off ya face

Later:

id beat up ur sister and then make sweet love if i wusnt a good CHRISTIAN and foller of HIS WORD. U keep pushin me an ill give u a bruisin four sure. i didnt go to notre dame so how can i bee a neanderthall? u so stupid dont make cents

Further down:

wuts ur addy punk?? ill make u speel like a pig boy. i pray to HIM that HE will FOrgive me for the beeting and rape im goin do two u. wuts ur addy? 

I hope this isn’t a real person. 

ComingSoon.net has this new and disturbing footage of Larry the Cable Guy introducing a clip from his latest movie, Witless Protection Program (which would be a good name for a campaign to handout condoms at the premiere).

Funny thing about idiots – they’re hilarious on reality TV but as soon as they start working from a script things just get weird.  Here I’m convinced there’s a puppeteer just off camera who’s choreographing all the movements – an evil genius trying to hypnotize an army of retarded drones.  Be careful, friends, retards are strong.