(picture source)

One of my favorite Greg Giraldo moments was when he lost it in the middle of Larry the Cable Guy’s roast, stopped telling jokes, and just screamed HOW THE F*CK ARE YOU SO POPULAR?! I wish Greg Giraldo was still alive now more than ever (along with Patrice O’Neal), to lose his mind over the news that Larry the Cable Guy, Jeff Foxworthy, and Bill Engvall are planning a $200 million theme park in Alabama called “Blue Collar Country.” I don’t know why Ron White’s not involved, but I’m trying not to think too hard about this lest my sleeves fly off of their own accord.

The Foley, Ala., locale, titled Blue Collar Country, has been described by Foley mayor John Koniar as Branson, Mo., meets Six Flags.

Construction has yet to begin, but the roughly 500-acre development is expected to include hotels, retail, an RV resort, rides, a 100,000-square-foot events center (for concerts, sporting events and conventions) and restaurants including a Foxworthy-themed steak house, an Engvall fish spot and a Larry the Cable Guy rib joint.

Ooh, and don’t forget the Prilosec OTC sunburn tent…

Phase one of the project will cost about $200 million, which will come through a combination of bonds, grants and institutional financing, say sources, plus local and federal tax credits. If all goes according to plan, Blue Collar Country will be up and running in the next two to three years, according to Blue Collar manager J.P. Williams.

If the Alabama location is successful, the group — which includes singer Tony Orlando, who is said to have come up with the idea and found the location — will look to open as many as six other Blue Collar locales around the country. [THR]

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. You cannot just slip “singer Tony Orlando” in there in the last paragraph like it’s an after thought. I just… I can’t… I don’t… I’m not… what is this… I don’t even… no words…

Somewhere, Gabriel Iglesias just wrote “FLUFFY LAND” on a cocktail napkin and slid it across the table to his manager.

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Larry the Cable Guy is sort of like a white Tyler Perry, if Tyler Perry changed his name to Madea and stayed in character all the time. At long last, they’ll be working together, on A Madea Christmas. And Chad Michael Murray will be there too! If we could somehow get Stephen Baldwin, Nicholas Sparks, and the estate of Thomas Kinkade involved in this, it would be perfect.

Chad Michael Murray, Larry the Cable Guy, Tika Sumpter and Kathy Najimy are joining Tyler Perry in A Madea Christmas.
The story sees Madea getting coaxed into helping a friend pay her daughter a surprise visit in the country for Christmas. Their arrival, as the rural town prepares for its annual Christmas Carnival, prompts secrets to be revealed and old friendships test. Oh, and Madea dishes her special brand of spirit to all.
Murray will play the town bully, a redneck type who tries to control his wife and son.
Sumpter is one of his son’s teachers, someone Murray dislikes, while Larry is the quirky patriarch of the white side of an interracial marriage.

I don’t know what’s crazier, that America so enjoys getting their straight talk via a giant black man in a dress, or that they take antacid advice from a dude with no sleeves in a tobacco-juice covered baseball hat. All I know is, writing a Madea movie has to be the easiest ever. All you have to do is list a place that she would go! “Madea Goes to Christmas.” There, you’re done. And for this, the man is a multi-millionaire. I’m telling you, he’s really living some kind of charmed life. A semi-charmed life, you might even say…

But now I’m strugglin to survive, those days you were wearin’ that grandma’s dress, you’re the priestess, I must confess, those cotton-stuffed titties they pass the test, slid down around your belly, no need for an actress…

For those of you who thought the 2010 film The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, was a little too Mr. Nanny and not enough Delta Farce, you’re in luck. Because on March 6, Tooth Fairy 2 is going to sock you in the jaw with hilarity, as Larry the Cable Guy will don the wings of the second greatest lie our parents ever told us. At least I assume that you were all told that Wilt Chamberlain was your real father, too.

The long-awaited sequel stars Larry the Cable Guy and… *stares blankly at full cast list on IMDB* some other people in the story of a – stop me if you’ve heard this before – hapless, immature redneck who tells a poor child that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, and is punished by becoming the new Tooth Fairy. Perhaps the trailer’s tag line explains it best:

He didn’t ask for it… He wasn’t expecting it… And he’s not prepared for it.

So true. So incredibly true.

While I could use hundreds and probably thousands of words to break off into a rant that explains how the existence of this film – even while only as a straight to DVD production – depresses me beyond the point of sanity, I believe that this young child’s face sums up my reaction better than my words ever could…

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If Pixar is the standard by which we inevitably, unfairly measure all other cartoons, Cars is the franchise that proves they’re still human. Though you’d think one of them would’ve been enough.  You’re not perfect, we get it.

[Official synopsis] Star racecar Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and the incomparable tow truck Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) take their friendship to exciting new places in Cars 2 when they head overseas to compete in the first-ever World Grand Prix to determine the world’s fastest car. But the road to the championship is filled with plenty of potholes, detours and hilarious surprises when Mater gets caught up in an intriguing adventure of his own: international espionage.  Torn between assisting Lightning McQueen in the high-profile race and towing the line in a top-secret spy mission, Mater’s action-packed journey leads him on an explosive chase through the streets of Japan and Europe, trailed by his friends and watched by the whole world.

So… Delta Farce with cars, basically?  From the company that brought you a group of friends holding hands as they inch toward the incinerator, comes Larry the Cable Guy as a buck-toothed tow truck getting a bidet.  Whatever, man.

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Pixar just released this teaser for their second sequel, Cars 2.  While it’s fun to rip on Dreamworks for being the Fredo of animated movies (this cartoon pretty much says it all), Pixar didn’t get the reputation for being the smart one by making movies like Cars 2.  Michael Caine voicing the smooth British car and Larry the Cable Guy as the buck-toothed hillbilly car is an idea right out a Dreamworks brainstorming session.  The only thing missing is popular song explicitly about cars.  Larry the Cable Guy seems like the kiss armpit fart of death for any project, doesn’t he?  Imagine if Andy Kaufman had come out with his “foreign guy” character, and when he realized people liked it, put out 10 foreign guy records and changed the name on his driver’s license to say “Latka.”  “Well, looks like a I found my niche, time to invent a catch phrase.”

[via ThePlaylist]