For those of you who thought the 2010 film The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, was a little too Mr. Nanny and not enough Delta Farce, you’re in luck. Because on March 6, Tooth Fairy 2 is going to sock you in the jaw with hilarity, as Larry the Cable Guy will don the wings of the second greatest lie our parents ever told us. At least I assume that you were all told that Wilt Chamberlain was your real father, too.

The long-awaited sequel stars Larry the Cable Guy and… *stares blankly at full cast list on IMDB* some other people in the story of a – stop me if you’ve heard this before – hapless, immature redneck who tells a poor child that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, and is punished by becoming the new Tooth Fairy. Perhaps the trailer’s tag line explains it best:

He didn’t ask for it… He wasn’t expecting it… And he’s not prepared for it.

So true. So incredibly true.

While I could use hundreds and probably thousands of words to break off into a rant that explains how the existence of this film – even while only as a straight to DVD production – depresses me beyond the point of sanity, I believe that this young child’s face sums up my reaction better than my words ever could…

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If Pixar is the standard by which we inevitably, unfairly measure all other cartoons, Cars is the franchise that proves they’re still human. Though you’d think one of them would’ve been enough.  You’re not perfect, we get it.

[Official synopsis] Star racecar Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) and the incomparable tow truck Mater (Larry the Cable Guy) take their friendship to exciting new places in Cars 2 when they head overseas to compete in the first-ever World Grand Prix to determine the world’s fastest car. But the road to the championship is filled with plenty of potholes, detours and hilarious surprises when Mater gets caught up in an intriguing adventure of his own: international espionage.  Torn between assisting Lightning McQueen in the high-profile race and towing the line in a top-secret spy mission, Mater’s action-packed journey leads him on an explosive chase through the streets of Japan and Europe, trailed by his friends and watched by the whole world.

So… Delta Farce with cars, basically?  From the company that brought you a group of friends holding hands as they inch toward the incinerator, comes Larry the Cable Guy as a buck-toothed tow truck getting a bidet.  Whatever, man.

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Pixar just released this teaser for their second sequel, Cars 2.  While it’s fun to rip on Dreamworks for being the Fredo of animated movies (this cartoon pretty much says it all), Pixar didn’t get the reputation for being the smart one by making movies like Cars 2.  Michael Caine voicing the smooth British car and Larry the Cable Guy as the buck-toothed hillbilly car is an idea right out a Dreamworks brainstorming session.  The only thing missing is popular song explicitly about cars.  Larry the Cable Guy seems like the kiss armpit fart of death for any project, doesn’t he?  Imagine if Andy Kaufman had come out with his “foreign guy” character, and when he realized people liked it, put out 10 foreign guy records and changed the name on his driver’s license to say “Latka.”  “Well, looks like a I found my niche, time to invent a catch phrase.”

[via ThePlaylist]

Disliking Ed Helms is almost as hard as disliking Ryan Gosling or Paul Rudd.  Which is to say, nearly impossible.  But if I put his nice-guy attitude and adorable a cappella singing aside, I have to admit that the latest project to which he’s signed on sounds a lot like a Larry the Cable Guy or Martin Lawrence vehicle.  Ruh roh!  (*paws over eyes*)

Universal Pictures has acquired the spec script “Central Intelligence” as a star vehicle for Ed Helms.  Ike Barinholtz [a MadTV and Seltzer-Friedberg actor] and Dave Stassen’s script revolves around an accountant who’s thrown into the world of international espionage after reconnecting with an old friend through Facebook. [Variety]

My, can you imagine the hijinks that would ensue if a fast-talking black man dull-witted redneck GOOFY, MILD-MANNERED ACCOUNTANT were suddenly thrown into the HIGH STAKES world of COUNTER INTELLIGENCE?  This summer, ED HELMS is one fish, waaay out of water!  (*air guitar*)  (*fart sound*)

Universal has filed a lawsuit against Lionsgate, claiming Larry-the-Cable-Guy-vehicle Witless Protection stole a character from the 1988 movie Midnight Run. Both movies involve a witness set to testify against the mob, and in both, the witness ends up on the run, pursued by a short-tempered, humorless FBI agent named Alonzo Mosely – played by the same actor, Yaphet Kotto.  The actual text of the suit includes the following gem:

Witless Protection was a box office flop as well as a critical failure.  As of March 2, 2008, the Internet movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes reported that 0% of critics gave the film positve reviews, based on 22 reviews.

Universal seeks to impound and dispose of all copies of the film (and I’d like to add anyone who saw it) and all profits, should there be any.

In their defense, Lionsgate assumed Larry the Cable Guy only stole from dead Vaudevillians and old time minstrel shows – both of which are public domain.

[Source]