YAHTZEE!

Ha, I bet you guys thought I’d forgotten about Comments of the Week. NOPE! I was just waiting for you to turn your backs so I could sneak up and break them over your head like a Southern Comfort bottle. KEE-YI! This week, I’ve got a copy of Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, to give away on Blu-Ray. This is a film not only directed by a guy who agreed to come on the Frotcast, but received high praise from our very own DVD guinea pig, Morton Salt, who called it “pretty damned good,” saying:

Speaking of which, there really was no need to see any of the previous films.  I don’t regret seeing them (except for 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return), but I do wish that I hadn’t skipped my daughter’s birthday party just so I’d have the full context when all those topless chicks got their tits shot off or when that guy punched apart a bowling ball.

Bummer, those tits really tied the room together.

We’ll get to the winner in a sec, but first, here at FilmDrunk, we like to celebrate newcomers. So here it is, a brief round up of all the people who dropped by old posts to leave hate mail. Welcome to the party, guys!

From A 2011 post about the new Left Behind movie
jesusservant: Okay so i am cool with some humor especially the saying grace before eating you but guys seriously its gonna happen and only a fool says jesus dosent exist b/c historians agree he did the challenge is to believe and for most historians the bible is considered historically credible so the prophecy isnt that hard to accept eventually especially many of these thing have come to pass (reformation of israel) i am in high school and by no means close minded i have studied many religions

DO NOT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION OR TO PUNCTUATION. So spake the Jesus.

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Apologies in advance, folks, this is our first Comments of the Week post in a couple weeks. I’ll spare you the excuses for why it was gone if you just enjoy its return. Over the past few weeks, we’ve compiled a few funny comments, and a LOT of super weird ones. I don’t know if my Rotten Tomatoes approval has brought the weirdos out of the woodwork or what, but check out this weird new quasi-scammer who loves the Dish Network:

[Cosmopolis Review] Sadie Heldberg: I have to say guys, Rob and Kristen are over and the world needs to move on. On to more, important matters namely Cosmopolis. Interesting review Vince, I think the fact that Cronenberg is such a wizard at bringing the bizarre to the surface, is a perfect reason for him to take on the adaptation of Don DeLillo’s book. Although, I will not be able to see “Cosmopolis” in theaters due to my frequent business travel for Dish, I do look forward to having the opportunity to view this movie fairly. Considering my travels are work related, I am always with laptop and internet, so using Dish Online gives me the excuse to watch the movies I don’t have time to see in theaters, being away from home. Besides, with all the controversy surrounding Pattinson, I’m extremely interested in having another chance to see the actor conquer another role; I have hope in the young actor; I’ve seen what he’s capable of.

[Channing Tatum wants to direct Magic Mike sequel] allthatjazzercize: No way! I can’t believe there is already a sequel in the mix for Magic Mike. I feel so out of the loop since I haven’t even seen the first one! I’ve heard nothing but good things about it though. The ladies from my office at Dish couldn’t stop talking about it after they saw it. And with someone as hot as Tatum as the lead role, I can’t blame them! I’m going to have to rent that movie ASAP! Luckily, it’s available from the Blockbuster@Home service through Dish, so it will be arriving at my house in no time. Like you said though, I just hope the sequel doesn’t ruin the original; follow-up movies have a tendency to do that.

Those seem like borderline thoughful comments before the spam comes, don’t they? That has to be real people writing those, rightt? If this is Dish’s new spam ad campaign, I can’t imagine the ROI is very good. Also, you know where you won’t see these comments? On Breaking Bad posts.

This wasn’t as intriguing, but it seems we’ve got our first jihadist death threat.

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This is your shirt. This is your shirt on dogs.

I know I failed to get your comments of the week post up yesterday, but that’s the thing about Comments of the Week and periods, better late than never. And thanks to the ‘Drunkard who sent me this picture of your dog wearing a filmdrunk shirt. I can’t find your email to call you out by name, but you know who you are, and your dog looks very huggable. Okay, comments of the week, let’s get to it.

I chose the winner myself this week, because not enough people were voting. We nominate by copy and pasting in the comments thread of the most recent Comments of the Week post (i.e., this one). You can vote for the winner using the reply function. Also, one note on commenting: we’re trying to get the old, oldest-comments-on-top system back. At some point, you’ll be able to choose whether to view it oldest first like a traditional blog or newest on top, like a live thread. Anyway, that’s what’s happening. Here’s this week’s winner:

[From Indonesian actioner The Raid gets a new trailer, and a dumb new title]
Larry: If they really wanted buzz they’d change the title to “The Jakartist.”

So congratulations, Larry. Feel free to share your shirt with your brother Larry, and your other brother Larry. (Man that’s an old joke).

Before we get to the honorable mentions, I feel that we we owe a special shout out to an uninvited Google guest who seems to drop in on every old Tom Cruise-related post to defend ol’ midget space Jesus from our uncouth and unfounded “attacks.” I’m always fascinated by this phenomenon:

[From Ben Stiller has plans for Less Grossman movie (December, 2008)]
Sher: What a ridiculous post. Les Grossman was widely regarded as entertaining and funny. Tom Cruise did a brilliant job with his character and it added nicely to Tropic Thunder. If you think whoever found it funny was paid then you are the most pathetic, ignorant, and outright simple person that has written an article regarding this movie or character.

[From Mission Impossible 4 trailer]
Patty Boots: Tom is getting too old for this shit. Also, too creepy and too generally unlikable.
Also, tiny.

(reply) Sher: yet you read anything that even has his name in it. I am convinced you are absolutely mental.

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With the holiday last week, I was too busy drunk to do a Comments of the Week, so this installment of Comments of the Week covers TWO weeks. I don’t have new shirts printed yet, so you’ll have to make do with Rad Poodle as the banner pic for one more week, and the winner content with just bragging rights. Again, if you’re new, the way this works is, we use the Comments of the Week post comments section (below) to nominate comments for comments of the week, throughout the week. If you see something funny, just copy and paste it below. Then, come next Sunday/Monday, it’s in the running for Comments of the Week. Got it? YAY!

This week, I couldn’t decide, so I’m naming two winners in honor of the two-week commenting period. First, Stallonewolf from Taylor Lautner and The Rock in Talks to Play David and Goliath:

Stallonewolf says: COME AT ME BROLIATH!

I found myself wanting to refer to someone as “Broliath” at least three times this week, that has to count for something. For our second winner, we go to Larry in the post about Jack White’s Collaboration on an Insane Clown Posse Song about Mozart Licking Ass:

Larry says: White should work with them on a Pagliacci parody. Using clowns to clown a clown would be totally BRAHMS.

That’s just well-played. I don’t know what else there is to say. Onomatopoeia puns are always welcome.

And now for the honorable mentions…

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Here on FilmDrunk, we’ve got lots of smartass commenters, the smartest assed of whom we reward each Monday with a FilmDrunk shirt.  That’s Pauly Dangerously in the pic on the right, staring triumphantly off into the sunset.  Well it’s Monday, so it’s time to award some shirts. (For those not clever enough to win them, you can still buy them here. I’ll mail one more batch tonight and then I’m done until after Christmas).

Here’s my top four:

[From Live-Bear Version of Yogi Bear] Donkey Hodey says: Also, for TV shows: The Fresh Prince of El Bear.
The twist is that they’re Mexican… and bears.

Con-Bear would have been awesome too.  “Put the bunneh in the baske-AAAAAAAAAAAHH”

[From Nic Cage to Remake Taken] Larry says: “I do have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. For people in general, actually.”

[From Frotcast 27] Robopanda says: Ooooo, someone went to Columbia. La di da with your fancy degree and your pants that probably don’t have a dead former nursing home patient’s name written inside the waistband with a laundry marker. Me and *checks waistband* Maynard are reeeeal impressed.

[From ReeseWit and RPattz Love a Retarded Elephant] zjhgd8 says: “Jacob, yer changin that retarded elephants life.” “No, he’s changin mine.” Followed by Christoph Waltz strangling the elephant.

Since Donkey and Larry are previous CoTW winners, and Robopanda works here, by process of elimination I must award zjhgd8 a shirt, even though he has a terrible FilmDrunk handle that makes me sad.  So email me, zjhgd8. And read on for the honorable mentions:

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