The giant black dude and midget who produced The Blind Side and the upcoming Blade Runner remake (Broderick Johnson and Andrew Kosove of Alcon Entertainment) have announced that they’re remaking 1991′s Point Break. But it’s cool, because Kurt Wimmer is writing the sreenplay, and he’s done lots of great movies, like, uh… Salt. And… Law Abiding Citizen, and… Street Kings.

YOU WANNA REMAKE TO GLORY, FINE! BUT DON’T TAKE JOHNNY UTAH WITH YOU! I’M BEGGING YOU! STOP WITH THIS REMAKE, AND I! WALK! AWAY! (*fires gun up in air*) AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (*more gun fire*) AAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHHH (*click click click*) AAAAAAAHUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!

The new version will be set in the world of international extreme sports and also involve an FBI agent infiltrating a criminal ring.
State Johnson and Kosove: “Who doesn’t love the Kathryn Bigelow original and its pure heart-pounding action and thrills? Kurt’s take infuses the story and characters with new twists and settings.”  [Ooh, I hope one of the characters is infused with 'France'! -Ed.]
Adds DeLuca ” ‘Point Break’ wasn’t just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!” [THR]

Let’s get one thing straight: Hollywood already remade Point Break. It was called The Fast and the Furious, and they made five of them (soon to be six). “Did you like Keanu Reeves?? Well we found this guy Paul Walker who’s just as handsome, but an even worse actor and twice as dumb-sounding!” The only thing it was missing was Gary Busey ordering meatball sandwiches. LISTEN YOU SNOTNOSED LITTLE SH*T! I WAS TAKING SHRAPNEL IN KHE SANH WHEN YOU WERE CRAPPING IN YOUR HANDS AND RUBBING IT ON YOUR FACE!

I guess what I’m trying to say is, will this version have Gary Busey? Because it could be about Justin Bieber infiltrating Nick Cannon’s gang of street lugers for all I care, if it has Busey, I’m there, butthorn.

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It's gonna be a long season.

Think of the blandest, most generic movie idea you can imagine, and then immediately forget it because it’s so bland and generic, and then have it re-written by a team of lawyers, and you basically have Salt.  This was a movie so bland and generic they wrote it for Tom Cruise.  Then when he dropped out, they made it anyway with Angelina Jolie.  Who apparently saw Tom’s prep work and assumed part of the character was running like a spaz.  Remember that movie?  Of course you don’t.  Well now Sony has decided it needs a sequel.  Get ready for Salt 2: The Spazzening.

Kurt Wimmer has begun writing it for Angelina Jolie to reprise her role as Evelyn Salt, the CIA agent who spent the first movie running for her life after being outed as a Russian spy. The studio smartly left open a window for a possible sequel at the climax of the original, which was directed by Phillip Noyce.
Jolie wants to do to do the Salt sequel if it comes together right. I’m told that Wimmer has officially signed on and is working away. The original grossed around $300 million worldwide for Sony Pictures. [Deadline]

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to see this as a movie, but as something to help people fall asleep on planes it could make a mint.

       “Lava Tacos were a bad choice.”

Gerard Butler took a break from awful chick flicks (I mean really awful) to play against type as a revenge-seeking, car-bombing madman in Law Abiding Citizen.  His wife and daughter are murdered in front of him, but the D.A. (Jamie Foxx) accepts a plea bargain that sets one of the killers free.  So Butler’s character does what any of us would do if we found out Jamie Foxx is going to represent our case in a court of law: start killraging, Death Wish style.

Directed by Gary Gray (Friday, The Negotiator, The Italian Job) and written by Kurt Wimmer (The Thomas Crown Affair, Equilibrium, The Recruit).

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Kurt Wimmer, the writer of the upcoming Salt as well as the 2002 Christian Bale film Equilibrium, which introduced the world to “gun kata” (see above), has been announced as the writer for the upcoming Total Recall remake.  Neal H. Moritz is developing and producing the remake through his “Original Films” banner, which is so ironic I want to stab a baby.

The original, based on the Philip K. Dick story “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale,” follows a man haunted by a recurring dream of journeying to Mars who buys a literal dream vacation from a company called Rekall Inc., which sells implanted memories. The man comes to believe he is a secret agent and ends up on a Martian colony, where he fights to overthrow a despotic ruler controlling the production of air.  The studio is keeping mum on the new take, simply calling a “contemporized adaptation.” [HollywoodReporter]

And we all know what that means: CGI and sunglasses, homey.  You’d have to be a Philip K. Dicklicker to think this is a good idea.  (*dodges tomato*)

Wimmer says his draft will be ready in “twwwoooooo weeeeeeks….”
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Edwin A. Salt is a spy thriller script written by Kurt Wimmer (previously of Thomas Crowne Affair… and the creator of Gun Kata!) and set to be directed by Phillip Noyce (The Quiet American).  Tom Cruise had long been attached to star, but now the word is Tom Cruise is out… and Angelina Jolie is in?

Jolie is close to a deal to play the title character, a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence.

Jolie took a liking to it, prompting the studio’s decision to rewrite it. Sources said the project won’t require that much of an overhaul to suit her.

After Universal beefed up Jolie’s role in "Wanted" and then marketed the action film squarely on Jolie’s shoulders and watched it gross $132 million domestically, Jolie reestablished in the wake of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" that she is the rare female who is viable in an action genre that has been almost the exclusive domain of men. [Variety]

So, uh, Edwina A. Salt then?  Edna A. Salt?  Anyway, you know who’s going to be happy about this decision?  My penis.  I hope she eludes the Russians by putting baby oil on her boobs, I hear they hate that.