Opening this weekend (click titles for trailer):

Kung Fu Panda
Jack Black plays a panda, because Jack Black is fat and pandas are also fat.  The panda does kung fu because pandas are from China and kung fu is also from China.  Get it?  Did we lose anyone?  Also, they use the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in the trailer.  I thought that was clever. I also heard the shooting schedule was "Eat, Shoot, Leave."  Ha! Get it? If not, click here.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Hey! You know what’s a better idea than this?  Anything.

The Go-Getter
In the movies, you can steal Zooey Deschanel’s car and it leads to romance and adventure.  In real life, you steal her underwear and she acts like you’re Jeffrey Dahmer or something.  Jeez, bitch, haven’t you heard making a doll out of someone’s pubic hair is the sincerest form of flattery? 

The Promotion
A comedy starring John C. Reilly and Stifler as two competing grocery store managers.  Reviews are all over the map for this one.  Given the stars and the material, it’s a wonder that we’ve barely heard about it.  Someone at the studio must really hate it.  Meanwhile, someone in Seattle loves me.  Got the teddy bear to prove it.   

Mongol
Word on the street seems to be that this is boring, but Mongols are my third favorite historical group behind Vikings and Pirates.  Least favorite?  Still Hare Krishnas.

The video after the jump is what happens when you combine Kung Fu Panda, Russian, and the “Kung Fu Fighting” song.  It’s a music video by the band Mumiy Troll created for Kung Fu Panda.

Some languages just aren’t meant to deliver messages of joy and mirth – like when the new pope talks.  No matter what he says, it always comes out sounding like Darth Vader.  Similarly, when Russians try to act fun and happy it just seems creepy and unnatural, like a black dude playing waterpolo. 

A racist observation by way of a racist analogy. Sometimes I outdo myself.  

*Jumps through window* 

Jack Black showed up to Cannes with 40 guys in Panda costumes and then hammed it up like only Jack Black can to promote the premier of his new movie, Kung Fu Panda.  These are the kind of stunts you have to pull when you’re promoting a Dreamworks movie. 

Let’s take a second to compare animation studios here: Pixar – Makes a movie about a future 800 years from now.  Mankind has left the planet hoping to return once it’s cleaned up – a task left to robots.  All the robots have since broken down except for one, Wall E, with a tiny little glitch.  He’s developed a personality.  Wall E then falls in love with the far more advanced robot sent to Earth to check on its progress.

Dreamworks:  Look, it’s a Panda! Who does Kung Fu!  Get it?  Because Kung Fu is from China, and so are Pandas, LOL!  Oh, and we have 12 sequels planned – Chow Mein Panda, Dry Clean Panda, Sweatshop Panda, Three Gorges Dam Project Panda…  I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’d like to rape someone while dressed as a Panda.  See, because Pandas are notoriously uninterested in sex. Think of the irony! I’d yell as I thrusted.

[Source] 

^{WATCH THE TRAILER FOR KUNG FU PANDA AFTER THE JUMP} 

The new trailer for Kung Fu Panda has hit the web, and with it my level of excitement has gone all the way from ignorant to vaguely indifferent.  A panda who does kung fu!  Holy crap, what’s next, a chihuahua who likes tacos?  A moose playing hockey?  A kangaroo who’s discriminatory towards aborigines?  No, don’t tell me, I don’t want to ruin the surprise.

This is the newest trailer for Dreamworks’ Kung Fu Panda, starring Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, and Dustin Hoffman, opening June 6th.

As the marketing department has noted, it’s sheer Pandamonium.  I got ejaculate on my computer screen from the excitement.  Now I’m trying to clean it off with some Pandammonia.

I love Jack Black, but I can’t help but think they really missed an opportunity here.  Kung Fu + Panda + hilarious Chinese accent = gold.  Kung Fu Panda could pop out of a cake and go, “Supplies! Me Kung Fu Panda, me rove you rong time.  Me sucky sucky.”  It’d be fun for the whole family.