QUAAAAAAIIID. BARK THE REACTOR. [via Fck Yeah Dementia]

MORNING LINKS
Attempting to Recap Katt Williams’ Epic Meltdown |Film Drunk|

Matt Louv returns with some more Rejected OKCupid Emails |Frotcast|

This is how the zombie outbreak begins.
[via Videogumblr]

The Most Popular Woman On The Internet In 2012 Is Somehow Not Kate Upton |UPROXX|

‘SNL’ Recap: Jamie Foxx And Ne-Yo
|Warming Glow|

Meet The Albanian Bear, A 13-Year Old With 22 Championship Belts |With Leather|

Comic-Con New Orleans Recap: CM Punk, The Green Power Ranger And A Whole Lot Of Awesome
|Gamma Squad|

Claudia Sampedro Models The Jordan Retro 11 “Black & Red” |Smoking Section|

And Here’s Reggie Bush Getting Suplexed |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Stephen Baldwin Blue Steel’d The Shit Out of His Mugshot |The Superficial|

17 Uncomfortable Moments Under The Mistletoe |Buzzfeed|

Ugh, Jurassic Prank! |Videogum|

The Accidental Birth of Wrapping Paper |Mental Floss|

‘Pan’s Labyrinth’ To Creep The Hell Out Of Broadway Audiences |Screen Junkies|

The 15 Best ‘SNL’ Moments Of The Year |HuffPost|

Megan Fox Only Gained 23 Pounds When She Was Pregnant |IDLYITW|

Caption Britney Spears’ reaction when a fan told her “I love you in Crossroads” |Fark|

Jack Russell Pulls Baby’s Sled |Clip Nation|

I Think the Guy who Writes Movie Descriptions Got His Girlfriend Pregnant |College Humor|

15 Random Television Quotes About America’s Greatest Pastime: Drinking |Pajiba|

Five TV Characters You Can’t Help But Root For |Unreality|

80s and 90s Sports Swag That Needs to Make a Comeback |Brobible|

Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal |High Definite|

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Paul Verhoeven, director of such films as Hollow Man, Starship Troopers, Showgirls, Basic Instinct, Total Recall, and Robocop, is planning to publish a heavily-researched, revisionist biography of Jesus in September.

The Dutch filmmaker, who has had a lifelong ambition to make a film about Jesus based on scientific research, claims that Jesus’ father was probably a Roman soldier who raped Mary during the Jewish uprising in Galilee. He also claims that Christ was not betrayed by Judas Iscariot. [Yahoo/HR]

Verhoeven goes on to say that contrary to modern depictions, Buddha actually had three breasts, and that Scientology overlord Xenu is a really just a malformed Siamese twin growing out of Tom Cruise’s side. Scientists are calling it the Kuato Theory. 

In retrospect I suppose that headline was a bit sensationalist.