Balla lurns teh heartburn face from skool of hard knox

In quite possibly the dumbest statement to come out of an actress’s mouth since Jessica Alba said “good actors never use a script,” Twilight star Kristen Stewart told British GQ that she quit school in the seventh grade because her teachers failed her. And as long as we’re pointing fingers, I’d also like to hear what Stephenie Meyer’s English teacher has to say for herself.

Actress Kristen Stewart has lashed out at her former teachers, insisting they “failed” to support her while she was away from class on acting jobs.
The Twilight star began performing when she was just eight years old, and balanced work with attending school before deciding to drop out of mainstream education in the seventh grade when she was in her early teens.
And Stewart tells Britain’s GQ magazine she felt forced to have home schooling because her teachers refused to help her catch up when she was working on location.
“School became genuinely uncomfortable,” she says. “I was feeling a little self-conscious about the acting thing with my peers, but also my teachers became a problem. They didn’t want to do the extra work or put packages together so I could keep up while away.”
“They failed me. My teachers failed me. Not one, but all of them. I’m always slightly ashamed in a way, about what I do. I’m slightly embarrassed as I had such serious ambitions when I was younger, I just never imagined that I would ever have a reason not go to school. But then this happened.” [TheAge]

Yes, how dare those a-hole teachers not double their workload and create a special lesson plan for no extra pay so you could serve your country in the important role of “child actress.” People are always saying actors are selfish, entitled assholes, but I ask, isn’t it really the teachers? Whatever. You learn everything you need to know child acting anyway. “That Kristen Stewart, can’t add or subtract to save her life, but she sure can smile while eating oatmeal,” people say.

I think we all needed a palate cleanser after that last depressing post about Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal’s handbasket to hell, and as usual, Us Weekly’s got us covered. This might be the most asinine news story since Ashley Greene’s homemade mojitos. AND it’s got pretty much all my favorite things: Bed-smashing abstinence vampire sex from Twilight, pillow-biting, and my all-time favorite actor, Boo Boo Stewart.

Kristen Stewart’s favorite moment in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 was the wedding scene between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. Her real-life beau, on the other hand, says he preferred the bed-breaking sex scene during their honeymoon .

YOU KNOW HOW WOMEN BE ALL LIKIN’ MARRIAGE, BUT MEN JUS BE WANTIN’ SEX? AND THEN WOMEN BE SHOPPING AND MEN JUS TRYNA WATCH DA GAME?? IT’S LIKE WE FROM DIFFERENT PLANETS AN’ SHEEIT!

“I wanted to have it as a line so much: ‘I bit through all the pillows. Every. Single. One.’ And then he’d start crying,” Robert Pattinson, 25, says in the new issue of Entertainment Weekly. “By the way, that’s what he should be ashamed of in the morning. All those beautiful pillows! Egyptian cotton! I ruined this bed!”

That sounds like a line the FilmDrunkards would write for Edward Cullen the sparkling abstinent vampire. I know some people don’t want to hear it, but Robert Pattinson actually seems pretty cool. By the way, I would bet my entire paycheck that no one at Us Weekly realized that that was a gay joke.

Still, 21-year-old Stewart insists that their characters’ honeymoon scene pales [PUN INTENDED, SQUIDERP! -Ed] in comparison to the long-awaited union between Bella and Edward.
“It’s a trip to watch the wedding scenes, especially,” she says. “It was so volatile and emotional — I was being such a crazy person.”

“These cartoonish marriage fantasies written by a woman with the mind of a sixth grader really took a toll on me emotionally. By the way, has anyone noticed I’m the most boring person alive?”

BUT WAIT! WE CAN’T END AN US WEEKLY STORY THERE! WHAT DOES BOO BOO STEWART HAVE TO SAY???

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The cast of Snow White and the Huntsman had a panel at Comic Con this weekend and, among a few other interesting items of worth, they released the first images of the film’s characters. As you can see above, Charlize Theron is playing the Queen, a casting decision that is clearly going to alter the way two generations of males remember the classic Disney cartoon. Also revealed were Chris Hemsworth as the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart as an emo Snow White, and Sam Claflin as the Prince. You may remember Claflin from his previous role as that forgettable dude in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

Of course when you think of Snow White, you think of a classical beauty, singing and rolling around with woodland creatures before she’s roofied by the mean, old queen. But not this version, at least according to Stewart.

Kristen Stewart said that the character channels thing that people are typically afraid of into a powerful, driving energy. She said this Snow White is very much the people’s leader, and that “she doesn’t let her heart cloud her mind and doesn’t let her mind get in the way” of doing what she feels she has to do. She also mentioned that mirrors – very much a part of the Snow White mythos – take on an interesting role here, as Snow White is portrayed as a character without even the concept of vanity, and she’s not even remotely self-conscious. (Via io9)

That’s good, because the last thing I think of when someone mentions Stewart is the use of a mirror. But I know you’re probably wondering the same thing I first thought – what’s up with the dwarfs, son? Oh they’re in this version and they’re played by Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Bob Hoskins, Eddie Marsdan, Brendan Gleeson and… Ian McShane. Baddest dwarf casting ever.

And you’re also probably thinking, “Hey Burnsy, you’re super hot and all, but that’s 8 dwarfs.” True. But director Rupert Sanders dropped a spoiler on the audience by admitting that one of them dies. My guess is Winehousey.

Character images after the jump. Try and guess which face Kristen Stewart makes.

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Breaking Dawn is a batsh*t insane book, so it shouldn’t be surprising that fans of it were also the first ones to line up for San Diego Comic Con 2011 just to get a glimpse at the actors and see two boring scenes from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (AKA Snorkels the Vampire Fetus).  The good news is part 2 (in theaters November 2012) is probably the last movie in the theaters, at least until Summit decides to reboot it with even younger, paler leads.

As far as they know, Summit has no plans for further “Twilight” movies and/or spinoffs.“I think Stephenie [Meyer] is done with us,” Elizabeth Reaser, who plays Esme Cullen in the film saga said, referring to the author of the book series. [ThePlaylist]

Hallelujah.  So what other pearls of wisdom did the cast throw out to the 6,500 or so twihards in attendance at Hall H?

What was the cast’s reaction to the birth scene when they read it? Stewart: “I thought it was so cool; we really tried to go as hardcore as we could.” [Deadline]

Yeah, hardc0re!  *chugs Mountain Dew Code Red, crushes can on forehead, uses teeth to perform vampire baby c-section*

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Forbes recently released their list of Hollywood’s ten highest-paid actresses and– AW GOD DAMMIT, KATHERINE HEIGL?! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?!? (*kicks puppy*) Aaaanywhoo, Sarah Jessica Parker, everyone’s favorite punching bag (horse jokes in the comments in 3, 2…) landed in the top spot, tied with Angelina Jolie at $30 million.  Rounding out the list are some other actresses you probably don’t like and Meryl Streep, a national treasure. Bash Reese Witherspoon all you want, but if you badmouth Dame Streep I will fight you.

1. Angelina Jolie, $30 million
1. (tie) Sarah Jessica Parker, $30 million
2. Jennifer Aniston, $28 million
2. (tie) Reese Witherspoon, $28 million
3. Julia Roberts, $20 million
3. (tie) Kristen Stewart, $20 million
4. Katherine Heigl $19 million
5. Cameron Diaz, $18 million
6. Sandra Bullock, $15 million
7. Meryl Streep, $10 million

Parker hasn’t strayed far from her association with fashion-lover Carrie Bradshaw from the hit TV show Sex and the City. In 2010 she starred in the second Sex movie, which earned $290 million. She’s designing clothes with Halston and she has a line of best-selling fragrances, including NYC, which brought in $18 million in 2010.
[Forbes]

That Kristen Stewart and Cameron Diaz make the list is obnoxious, but not as bad as Katherine Heigl. During the period Forbes examined to create their list, May 2010 to May 2011, Katherine Heigl made two movies, Killers, with Ashton Kutcher, which barely broke even, and Life As We Know It, with dynamic firebrand Josh Duhamel, which, surprisingly, made a decent amount of money. Those Rotten Tomatoes scores were 11% and 28%, respectively. I have to assume she made most of her money on Grey’s Anatomy residuals. Since that’s the show that introduced us to fecal transplants… I suppose the world does owe her a debt of gratitude. Not a $19 million debt, certainly, but… well, at least Kate Hudson didn’t make the list.