If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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In a recent interview on Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, which sounds and looks like a bad Mad TV sketch, the hosts asked Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 star Robert Pattinson a variety of questions that came from fans on Twitter. And he absolutely must have loved that, with his backwards hat and patchy beard, because his reaction just screamed, “This is why I love acting, answering Twitter questions.” Among the hard-hitting questions asked:

“What was your favorite scene from the Twilight films?”
“What’s a movie that makes you cry?” (He replied Marley & Me to that one and the hosts were all like, “ARGH NO!” and “OI MATE, ME TOO!” respectively.)
“What’s your embarrassing Starbucks order?” (Jackie O* asks if it’s a chai tea latte, to which I ask, the f*ck’s wrong with a chai tea latte?)

And so on and so forth, but the payday question was “What was the hardest scene to film in the Twilight series?” and Pattinson’s first answer was the child birth scene, which makes sense because that would involve Kristen Stewart making facial expressions, and we all know how that goes. But he also mentioned the sex scene in the upcoming Breaking Dawn Part 2, because vampire sex has to be intense and rough, but it’s only a PG13 film.

Story of my life, bro.

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After some kind of extended, viral marketing Easter Egg hunt that had fans trying to piece it together like a jigsaw puzzle, the final poster for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 – ostensibly the final Twilight movie – is finally online. Once again, I can’t hide my fascination with this phenomenon. Is that a vampire wearing… equestrian pants and a… double-breasted peacoat? Who knew vampires had the same stylist as the Jonas Brothers? You know how people are fascinated by steam punk and sci-fi stuff from the Eisenhower era, because it’s like this vision of the future as envisioned by people from the past? Twilight is kind of like that – an edgy, goth fairytale as envisioned by the blandest Mormon housewife in Blandsville, Mormon town, where everything is sparkling white, especially the bread. “And her name was ‘Beautiful Swan,’ and she always wore the hippest boots, like a modern-day Shania Twain, and everyone loved her, even the most dangerous vaguely-ethnic type in a tawdry v-neck…  “

HALP, BALLA! TEH OTHER VAMPAHRS DON’T LAIK TEH BEBBE RENAZMEH! OTHER VAMPAHRS JALLUS. YEW GO GED LLAMA AND RUN THREW SNOW. BUT PUD ON YER COAT, TEH SNOW GIVE COLDZ.

Also, have you noticed that their faces are practically identical? The wolves are easier to tell apart. Here, I made a composite image:

IT’S THE SAME FACE WITH DIFFERENT HAIR! HOW DID THEY EVEN DO THAT?! In conclusion, this movie is going to be awesome because this:

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Back in July, I dropped my name in the Pulitzer hat with my incredible coverage of the breakup of Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. In case you were in a coma, Pattinson kicked K-Stew to the curb after she was busted cheating on him with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders. But if you had two months in the “How long until PattiStew conveniently gets back together in time to create absurd buzz around the final Twilight film?” pool, then step up and claim your prize.

The Sun, which is always right, is reporting that Pattinson has taken Stewart back, despite the fact that she admitted to cheating on him. But I can’t really criticize the guy, because it’s not like he could have any girl on the planet or anything, so it’s good that he’s sucking it up and settling for an emotionless sheet of blank paper.

Pattinson, 26, was revealed to have had a heart-to-heart with the tearful Hollywood beauty, 22, over the weekend and forgiven her “stupid mistake.”

A source told The Sun how Pattinson had set up home with the brunette once more, adding: “They pretty much decided they couldn’t live without each other.”

“Kristen poured her heart out to Robert and told him it was a one-off and a mistake,” the source told The Sun. (Via FOX News)

Honestly, I don’t blame Pattinson. For starters, he just moistened a billion pairs of panties and guaranteed that Twilight: Breaking Whatever 2 will gross at least $100 million more than it was already guaranteed to make. But he also now holds the greatest “Get Out of Jail Free” card in history. Either way, I have $10 that says they’re done by the time Breaking Dawn leaves theaters.

However, my skepticism might also be unwarranted, because even though Stewart admitted that she cheated and has at no point denied her indiscretion, there are still conspiracy theorists who believe this was all drummed up by the hateful media. And one hero has even made a video that explains why this is all a lie.

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"And that's me in a broom closet with the director of 'Jumper'."

In case you’re a functioning member of society and not an illiterate teenage girl, you might have missed the MTV Video Music Awards last night, as the network that once routinely played music videos remains locked in a limbo of painful irony. At some point between Chris Brown fans butchering the English language in celebration of his award for Best Autotuned Woman Beater and Dwight Howard pretending he’s a huge celebrity, MTV unleashed a brand new 90-second trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Holy Sh*t Is This Over Yet).

The trailer promises fans the “epic finale” as we watch Bella get used to her new vampire powers by f*cking up nature, while Taylor Lautner shows up and is like, “Shirt? Never heard of it. ABS!” But then some vampire lady is all like, “Their baby is a crime” and the vampire police come to break up the Cullen party. And I’m sure it all looks so fantastic to Twilight fans, especially that part where Edward is like, “You know what vampires hate? Kung fu.”

But I noticed it was a little light on something. Great job by the producers to almost completely refrain from showing any connection between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Regardless, I’ve got $10 that says these two are sucking face on the red carpet for this film’s premiere, because if Rihanna can kiss Chris Brown at the VMAs, then love can make anything possible.

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