When they’re not riding around town on a bicycle built for two, pulling each other in little red wagons, or drinking milkshakes with two straws, writer/producers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are printing money on projects like Eagle Eye, The Proposal, Fringe, Transformers, Cowboys and Aliens, Etc.. Most recently, they sold a pitch to Fox for a film about Wyatt Earp, a subject Hollywood hasn’t touched in nearly six weeks.

Written by The Shield alum John Hlavin, the project is described as a Western that tells the origins of Wyatt Earp, chronicling both the well-known incidents in his life such as the Gunfight at the OK Corral and lesser-known details of Earp and his brothers bringing order to a lawless frontier. [Deadline]

So… would that be “lesser-known” to people who haven’t seen Wyatt Earp, or people who haven’t seen Tombstone? Of course, this isn’t the only Wyatt Earp project in town. Back in March, I told you about The First Ride of Wyatt Earp, in which Val Kilmer plays the lead. Then in April, I told you about a spec script Warner Bros bought called Wild Guns. What was that one about again?

Described as having shades of Tombstone and Sherlock Holmes, the story is  set shortly after the Civil War and follows legendary gunslingers Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday. The duo team-up to rescue the daughter of Sitting Bull, who has been kidnapped by a powerful Shaman with mysterious powers who is terrorizing the Western plains. [THR]

So look out Kurtzman and Orci, all I’m saying is that you’ve got competition. I just hope you know a good velociraptor guy.

Cowboys and Aliens is an absurdist pastiche of overused action movie tropes (Bourne in the old west! With aliens!), which is occasionally compelling, if only for the sheer audacity of plot choices. That is to say, it’s ridiculous. And I’m a big fan of the ridiculous (see also: Lieutenant, Bad; Werner Herzog version of). I just wish Cowboys and Aliens‘ preposterousness wasn’t so couched in pre-fabricated stories and characters. It’s a lot like Lost, but even black smoke monsters and polar bears seemed more fresh than Cowboys, Indians, aliens, rocket hands, and amnesia. It plays like a producer brainstorming session that never got edited, which makes it all the more shocking that no one turns out to be a vampire or a hot cyborg lesbian (spoiler alert).

It’s hard to believe Lost exec producer Damon Lindelof had five co-writers, because the whole thing reeks of black smoke musk, from the character daddy issues driving every single plot point right down to the fat-faced kid with a dog who seems totally unnecessary to the plot. I imagine the writers meeting went something like this:

Alex Kurtzman: Cowboys!

Robert Orci: Indians! Aliens! James Bond! Indiana Jones–

Steve Oedekirk: (*loud gurgle, extended fart sound followed by terrible stench. the rest of the gang rolls his wheelchair outside before continuing*)

Lindelof: Amnesia! Religious themes! Re-incarnation–

Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby: [together] ROCKET HANDS! (*they smash their beer steins together, down the rest, and stomp off like the Bushwhackers*)

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Okay, now I’m starting to get new-trailer fatigue.  Nonetheless, I can’t deny that this is big news.  Directed by Jon Favreau, Cowboys and Aliens stars Daniel Craig as a Civil War vet named Jake Lonergan who wakes up in the desert with a strange handcuff around his wrist and no memory.  It’s basically the Bourne Identity… in the old west… with aliens. The exec who first heard that pitch probably started jacking off right at the conference table (total movie exec move).  It was also co-written by the writers of Iron Man, Star Trek, and Lost.  FERGUS AND OSTBY AND KURTZMAN AND ORCI OH MY! (*cough*) LINDELOF! (*cough, cough*)

The concept seems kind of dumb, and as far as old west sheriffs go, Harrison Ford is no Gene Hackman.  But given the talent level involved, there’s reason to be excited.  Anyway, with that many writers, I like to imagine that the Iron Man guys’ only contribution was yelling “ROCKET HANDS!” every five minutes.

Sidenote:  Did Daniel Craig stab that guy in the junk?

Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci wrote Star Trek, Transformers 2, and got exec producer credits on The Proposal last year, and since, as AC/DC teaches us, money talks, they now have roughly 8 billion other projects in development.  The latest today is that they’ve been hired to develop a movie adaptation of Locke & Key, a graphic novel by Stephen King’s son, Joe Hill. From Latino Review:

Set in a cool Massachusetts village called Lovecraft, the padre of this familia is murdered and the three kids and mom relocate to their estate, Keyhouse.  Turns out the house has many rooms that cannot be opened except by special keys. And scary ass forces in the house start speaking to the padre’s killer and sending him to Lovecraft to finish the job.

Meanwhile, this is just days after the announcement that Kortzi were getting a three-year development deal with Fox TV.  Those guys.  Living the life, right?  Their lives must be one big party.  I like to imagine Orci riding around on Kurtzman’s shoulders, laughing and an eating ice cream cone while Kurtzman tries to fly a kite, a trio of lab puppies playfully nipping at his heels.

(Kevin Costner introduced the Daniel Craig popsicle to the American Indian.  Most historians say it caused their downfall.)

Collider recently broke the news that Daniel Craig, fresh off his AIDS mustache tour with Hugh Jackman, would replace Robert Downey Jr. in Cowboys and Aliens for Jon Favreau and Dreamworks.

Craig would play Zeke Jackson, the lead character in a story about Apache Indians and Western settlers who must lay their differences aside when an alien spaceship crash lands in Silvery City, Arizona. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (“Transformers,” “Star Trek”) adapted the script.

Still no word on whether this too will be in 3D, but at a recent script meeting, execs asked Kurtzman/Orci, “Could this Zeke Jackson fall in love with a Pocahontas Cat Monkey?  Audiences really seem to respond to that.”