Once he was done governating, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting schedule filled up fast. He got involved with The Governator, something called Cry Macho, a Terminator reboot, maybe a Twins sequel, and God knows what else. But that was before he got caught shooting his sperm in every Mexican west of the Mississippi. Back in May, he announced he was putting all film projects on hold until further notice, until he could figure out which brown kids seemed most suspiciously gap-toothed and ass loving. (Arnie’s Éses, I imagine he calls them).

His personal affairs must be in order now, because last night I received a press release from Lionsgate announcing a new Schwarzenegger project called Last Stand, a “high-octane chase story” from the director of The Good, The Bad, and The Weird. QUICK, COVER THE MAKE-UP GIRLS WITH PLASTIC!

Korean action-suspense master Kim Jee-Woon (A TALE OF TWO SISTERS, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE WEIRD) will direct the film, which is to be based on a spec script by Andrew Knauer that was subsequently rewritten by Jeffrey Nachmanoff.
Schwarzenegger will be starring as Sheriff Owens, a man who has resigned himself to a life of fighting what little crime takes place in sleepy border town Sommerton Junction after leaving his LAPD post following a bungled operation that left him wracked with failure and defeat after his partner was crippled.   After a spectacular escape from an FBI prisoner convoy, the most notorious, wanted drug kingpin in the hemisphere is hurtling toward the border at 200 mph in a specially outfitted car with a hostage and a fierce army of gang members.  He is headed, it turns out, straight for Summerton Junction, where the whole of U.S. law enforcement will have their last opportunity to make a stand and intercept him before he slips across the border forever.  At first reluctant to become involved, and then counted out because of the perceived ineptitude of his small town force, Owens ultimately accepts responsibility for one of the most daring face offs in cinema history.

Well that sounds like every action movie ever. But it’s Arnold. And everyone who’s seen The Good, the Bad, and the Weird seems to love it. And it started with a spec script, which is always better than a project that started as a pitch, so who knows. At the very least, I bet it’s the first Arnold movie synopsis ever to incorporate the phrase “perceived ineptitude.”"Hey, Sully, remembah when when you counted out my force for perceived eenept-eetude? …Your findings vere wracked wiss erroneous conclusions.” (*drops Sully off cliff, throws Thesaurus down with him*)

I won’t be able to share my 5 Fast 5 Furious review for a few more days, but in the meantime, I’m hearing early reports that there’s a character in it named “Han Seoul-Oh.” Oh, don’t worry, he’s Asian, so it makes total sense. Actor Sung Kang is officially credited as “Han” in Fast Five and “Han Lue” in Fast and Furious (4 Fast 4 Furious), but from what I hear, his name shows up on a screen as “Han Seoul-Oh” multiple times during Fast Five, though it’s never spoken, referenced, or explained.  So… was this something that I missed in the last movie?

Like Han Solo, get it?  Except “Seoul?” because he’s a Korean racecar driver?  Wait, time out. Was that really the joke?  That couldn’t be the joke, could it?  Someone tell me that wasn’t the joke.  Does he have a grunting Chinese sidekick named “Chu Baka”?  Does he know why Paul Skywalker is such a terrible actor? “Never tell me the odds.  All Koreans don’t like to be told the odds.”

I’m so confused, you guys.  If anyone knows anything about this, please share.  It just seems like a very odd reference for a five-year-old.

(It’s ironic that the spark factory is where dudes most often go shirtless)

I’m still convinced this film is going to blow massive yak nuts, but at least Ninja Assassin finally has a decent trailer.  It’s basically the male equivalent of Twilight.  Full of lame clichés and even sort of missing the whole point as to what it’s supposed to be about (confuses macho posturing for violence just like Twilight confuses melodrama with romance), at least this one focuses on the blood instead of the horrible plot.  Granted, the blood is CGI as are the weapons, but it does have a shirtless Asian guy in a spark factory and a chick getting chopped up and stuffed in washing machine.  Not exactly my fetish, but… I could ‘bate to it.

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