This is the second trailer for Let Me In (much longer than the first), Matt Reeves’ American remake of Tomas Alfredson’s Swedish vampire hit, Let the Right One In.  The no-foreigners version stars Chloe Moretz of Kick-Ass, Richard Jenkins, and Kodi Smit-Mcpussyname.  I know, I know, remaking a recent, successful foreign movie using an American cast and the director of Cloverfield sounds like a terrible idea.  But as my buddy Pete says, subtitles are hella gay.  And is it just me, or does this actually look not that bad? It has pretty visuals, and they even managed to make Richard Jenkins look like a scary child molester:

It’s impressive, because despite the pock marks, Richard Jenkins is usually the type of guy who could give your kid a candy and you let them eat it without even checking for hypos first.  He’s like that old lady who you’re mean to because she’s weird looking, but you later find out she was actually Jesus, and now you’re cursed. That was my favorite bible story.

Also, is it just me, or does that second poster look a little… menstrual?

[posters via CinemaBlend, trailer via Vulture]

Four-eyed poindexters are always trying to tell you how good some foreigner movie is, to which I always say, “Oh yeah?  Well riddle me this, nerd, if it’s so good, why come they didn’t make it AMERICAN, huh?” then I point to a spot on their shirt and when they look down, I kick ‘em right square in the d*ck. Haha, made you look, pussy.  Tomas Alfredson’s vampire flick Let the Right One In was just such a movie.  Supposedly it was good, but it was also fulla Swedes.  Luckily, Cloverfield director Matt Reeves made a new version (Let Me In), and this one you won’t have to sit there reading like a queer.

This one’s supposed to be faithful to the original, but have more blood and more violence and more BODIES HITTING FLOOR.  Chloe Moretz, that hot slit from Kick-Ass (just my type), plays the vampire chick, and Kodi Smit-McPhee from The Road plays her friend.  You ask me, “Cody” is a good, solid AMURRICAN name.  Seems a shame to queer it up with an I and a hyphen like that.  Guess it ain’t his fault his parents’re queer. But still, I think I’m gonna have to call him “McPussy.”  (*spits Skoal into Gatorade bottle, continues whittling Truck Nutz*)

Let me een leetel girl. You can zee, I am not zee vam-pair.

[via Deadline]

98% of The Road consists of the two main characters, a father and son who never get names, avoiding gangs of cannibals and scrounging for food.  Great book, but I realize that makes for kind of a boring downer of a movie trailer.  Solution?  Just slap some triumphant background music over it (starts at the 1:25 mark).  Man, that worked perfectly.  All Viggo did was eat some food and watch a town burn, but I felt all proud, like I was watching Sandra Bullock teach a black kid to play football or something.

Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is a hell of a book, the kind of thing you wish they’d make more movies out of instead of crap like The Lovely Bones.  It’s about a man and his son (who never get names) wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland of cannibals and roving bands of outlaws. Though so far, reviews of the John Hillcoat-directed movie adaptation have been sort of mixed.  I wasn’t a huge fan of Hillcoat’s last movie (The Proposition), but Viggo Mortensen is perfect casting.  That dude has looking like the survivor of an apocalyptic cataclysm down pat.

It also stars Kodi Smit-McPhee as the boy. I don’t know much about this kid other than that he clearly has a couple of a-holes for parents. Really? It wasn’t enough to stick him with a hyphen, you also had to make his first name a misspelled version of crappy name to begin with it? AND you put an ‘I’ at the end? Was he supposed to dot that with a heart? You only had nine months to come up with something he wouldn’t have to drag around like wheelbarrow full of cement his entire life, so well done. Might as well have named him Stealmylunchmoney McPussy. Then again, that was my nickname, and look how well I turned out.
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It’s being reported that young Wolverine in X-Men Origins: Wolverine will be played by none other than some kid with A-hole parents, 11-year-old Kodi Smit-McPhee.

I’m not going to rip on the poor kid, because ad-hoc attacks on children are beneath me this morning.  But I need only his name to prove that his parents are insufferable jag-offs (part of the Insufferable Jag-Off clan).  

First off, they named their kid Kodi.  Not even Cody, Kodi.  As in, it’s not enough that my child have a name that was non-existent prior to the late 20th century, we must also differentiate it through novelty spelling, so that everyone who reads it will know that our son is unique; and run the risk of having to be corrected when they assume it rhymes with Lodi.  Bottom line, he’s special, he’s new.  He needs special treatment.  

Secondly, the hyphen.  Hey, maybe mom wanted to keep her last name.  No biggie, fine by me.  But then she also had to saddle her poor kid with some retarded hybridized name, and for what? GOD FORBID SOMEONE MEET MY CHILD AND NOT KNOW THAT HE’S PART OF THE SMIT CLAN!  THE SMIT CLAN HAS BEEN AROUND FOR MILLENIA AND IS VERY PROUD!  WE SHALL BE KNOWN FAR AND WIDE BY OUR STUPID NAMES AND INABILITY TO SPELL!  

Petit Update: Commenter Chachi writes, "What’s gonna happen twenty years from now when Kodi Smit-McPhee marries Jane Doe-O’Brien?  Will Jane become Jane Doe-O’Brien-Smit-McPhee?!?!" Good point.