Kirsten Dunst gets naked for Lars Von Trier’s upcoming film Melancholia, the kind of news that probably would’ve popped a blood vessel in my eye if this was 2003. It’s not nearly as graphic (or sexy) as what Charlotte Gainsbourg had to go through on Von Trier’s last film, Antichrist, but in a recent interview with The Guardian, Dunst says she wouldn’t have been able to get away with that role anyway. Because her dang boobs are just so darn big.

Look, she says: she agreed to make Melancholia because she loved the script. It’s not as if he had asked her to make Antichrist, the director’s previous film, in which Charlotte Gainsbourg played a bereaved mother who mutilates her own genitals. “That kind of film is harder for someone like me to get away with. I’m more in the public eye than Charlotte.” She pauses to reconsider. “It’s something about Charlotte’s body, too. You couldn’t have someone like me, with big breasts, in that film. Charlotte’s thin and her breasts are small and that’s easier to watch somehow. For someone like me to do that film – it would almost be ridiculously shocking.”

Kirsten Dunst complaining about the discrimination she faces as a big-breasted actress is a lot like me complaining about the disadvantages of being a white male. You’re not always wrong, but in light of the other advantages, it’s probably best to just shut the f*ck up.

Kirsten Dunst won best actress at Cannes for her role in Lars von Trier’s Melancholia, so you’d think that when she got asked about Von Trier’s Nazi comments (which were only offensive if you’re an idiot), she might at least show an attempt at understanding. Perhaps a “he means well, but…”, or “well you know how granddad is when he drinks, glug glug glug” — something, at least out of gratitude.  But of course she didn’t. She washed her hands of him at the first sign of controversy like the same prissy little idiot who started shifting uncomfortably in her seat before he’d even finished his sentence. Hey, bitch, why don’t you let me finish? Maybe I was going to say “just kidding.”

[Asked whether she thinks it's fair that she was rewarded despite what happened with Lars]

“I should not be affected by things that he said.  So for me, things that he said were very inappropriate and idiotic, and I’m pleased that the festival and the jury could see beyond his words.

This is a festival about freedom of speech and film, and what he did was separate, and he paid for it.” [video via HollywoodElsewhere]

“How dare he speak freely at a festival dedicated to freedom of speech! I’m glad he got blacklisted for something he said!” What a spineless moron.  You know, I always felt bad for Kirsten Dunst when people made fun of her ghostly skin and creepy pebble teeth (mainly because she had nice boobs, but still), but now I wish I could go back in time and retroactively pile on, because she clearly deserves it. SCREW YOUR BOOBS, KIRSTEN DUNST! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! In conclusion, I leave you with this gif of her horrified reaction:

I like to imagine this gif and spazzy Brendan Fraser on a blind date together.

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Punk rockers like Sid Vicious have been wearing Nazi stuff for shock value since the 70s, but no one seems to remember that, at least if the degree of solemnity with which everyone wrote up the story about Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier declaring himself a Nazi at Cannes is any indication.  The incident in question took place during the Melancholia press conference, which you can watch here, if you don’t mind sitting through a boring, 40-minute movie press conference.  My stars, you don’t think the guy who films talking foxes, sex scenes between retarded people, and genital mutilation was being deliberately provocative, do you?  Goodness, we should hold a tolerance rally.  Here’s Ebert’s account of the event:

Von Trier’s detour began when he was asked about his use of German romantic music in his score. In the film “Melancholia,” Kirsten Dunst plays a bride who is supposed to be happy on her wedding day, but her depression makes her unravel and unable to keep up her happy face. While this is taking place, the planet Melancholia is hurtling toward the earth, rendering life pointless. As the character says, life is pointless and the earth is evil, we don’t need to grieve for it. Von Trier speculated that he had gone overboard in his use of Wagner, then said he had an interest in Nazi things.
He said he grew up thinking he was a Jew, and he was very happy to be a Jew. Then he discovered he was a Nazi, and that also gave him some pleasure. “Yes, I am a Nazi!”, he declared.
While his cast (Charlotte Gainsbourg, Udo Kier and John Hurt) looked on in horror, Kirsten Dunst tapped him on the shoulder and whispered to him to moderate his comments. He looked at her in confusion and said, “But this has a point, it will be okay.”
Then he proceeded to dig himself in deeper, saying that he understood Hitler, and that he could sympathize with his being down in that bunker toward the end. He continued, “Well that doesn’t mean I have anything against Jews, except Susanne Bier (Danish filmmaker, “In a Better World”).
“Well, Israel is a pain in the ass …
“Okay, I am a Nazi…
“Nazis tend to do things on a grander scale…
“Perhaps we can have a Final Solution for journalists….”
With that moderator Henri Behar called a halt to the conference because it was clear at that point that Von Trier just could not stop himself.
It is widely known that Von Trier suffers from bouts of depression, and “Melancholia” obviously reflected his state of mind. Ironically, before the declaration about Hitler and Nazism, Von Trier looked happier and more relaxed than he had at any of his previous press conferences at Cannes.

It seems that perhaps the director of Antichrist was just playing… (*sunglasses*) …Devil’s advocate. (*YEAAAAAAAH…*) (*fox bites off penis*).

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GET HER, JACK BAUER! TACKLE HER LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE!

Lars Von Trier has a new trailer out for his film, Melancholia.  I haven’t seen Von Trier’s last few films, which is a shame, because as I’ve often told my poetry circle over chai, he was always my favorite of the Dogme filmmakers.   And his last movie had an evil fox saying “Chaos reigns,” which seems like something I would enjoy.

This one seems to be about a red planet that’s been hiding behind the sun, which may crash into the Earth and ruin Kirsten Dunst’s loveless marriage. Could be good, I suppose.  Though I don’t think I’m out of line saying it’s going to be depressing and weird.  I mean it’s a Lars Von Trier movie called “Melancholia,” it’s not exactly a spoiler. Anyway, the important thing to remember is that this film will have TWO, COUNT THEM TWO SKARSGARDS.

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Hey, girl.  Here’s the trailer for All Good Things, directed by Andrew Jarecki (brother of Why We Fight documentarian Eugene).  It was originally supposed to be released by the Weinstein Company, but they decided weren’t going to release it.  I forgive them though, girl.  Jarecki bought back the rights, and now Magnolia is doing a limited release and putting it out on OnDemand.  See, girl?  Everything happens for a reason.  Look, I picked you a flower.  Anyway, it stars me and Kirsten Dunst.  Haha, her baby tooth tickles!

Inspired by the most notorious missing person’s case in New York history, ALL GOOD THINGS is a love story and murder mystery set against the backdrop of a New York real estate dynasty in the 1980s. Produced and directed by Andrew Jarecki (director of the Academy Award-nominated doc Capturing the Friedmans and producer of Catfish), the film was inspired by the story of Robert Durst, scion of the wealthy Durst family. Mr. Durst was suspected but never tried for killing his wife Kathie who disappeared in 1982 and was never found. The film stars Ryan Gosling, Kirsten Dunst and Frank Langella as the powerful patriarch, and captures the emotion and complexity of this real-life unsolved mystery. [ThePlaylist]

When they said Durst, I thought I was playing that guy from the Limp Bizkit band.  Their music’s a little rough for me, girl, but he seems so tough and scary, I thought it’d be just like Halloween! Later I found out they were different, but I stayed on anyway because I think commitment is important. Anyway, what are you going to dress as, girl?  I think I’m going to be a ninja.  I even bought a little sword for Patches.  Haha, stop licking me, Patches, that’s not what ninjas do!  Oh, Patches, you’re the silliest.