This week saw two massive bird die offs, first 5,000 in Arkansas, then 500 in Louisiana.  Scientists don’t have an explanation yet, and that’s rough on CNN, because 24 hours of news programming is a lot to fill with, “Damn, homes. That’s messed up.”  What to do?  I know!  We’ll call Fireproof star Kirk Cameron!  He’s bound to have some crazy sh*t to say!  At least, that seemed to be the idea behind having Cameron on Anderson Cooper (either that or they both go to the same bath house). Only when Anderson asked him whether the bird deaths were a sign of the apocalypse, Cameron flipped the script, and actually sounded pretty sane.

Kirk Cameron is not your monkey, Anderson Cooper, he doesn’t even believe in evolution.

[are the birds the end times, Kirk Cameron?]

“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”

“That has more to do with pagan mythology [and not the apocalypse] — the directions the birds flew told some of the followers of those legends that the gods were either pleased or displeased with them. I think people just have a fascination with the religiously mysterious.” [via Moviefone]

“Look, Anderson, if you’re looking for someone to spout off some crackpot religious theory, you’ve got the wrong guy.  I don’t go in for a lot of that hocus pocus.  I’m just a hard-working fella who puts his pants on one leg at a time and believes the grooves on a banana are a code from God that disproves evolution, you know? I leave these conspiracy theories to somebody else.”

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I can’t help but think Kirk Cameron would be much happier if he came out of the closet and found the right guy.  And I think I’ve got just the guy! [Both pics via ThatisSoGay]

DAILY CIRCLE J LINKS:

• Hear what Megan Fox got Brian Austin Green for Christmas. |FListed|
• “The apocalypse is scary.”  Heeb reviews The Road. |Heeb|
• Movie heist hauls vs. GDP. |ScreenJunkies|
• Do the sex offender rap. |Atom|
• Holy Taco presents: The AIDS Meme. |HolyTaco|
• Fun Fact: Americans throw out 40% of our food. And we throw the other 60% down our morbidly obese gullets, so suck on that Africa. |Asylum|
• The 7 greatest unnaturally mutated film characters. |ToplessRobot|
• Remember when William Shatner and Adam West filmed a pilot together?  Wait, what? |GammaSquad|
• Some video game has gay stuff in it or something. |Guyism|
• You must see this digital recreation of Tiger Woods’ accident from China.  It’s like the Berenstain Bears meets TMZ. |WarmingGlow|

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Some of the promotional items handed out by Kirk Cameron and his being-gay-makes-me-want-to-love-Jesus-HARD film Fireproof included this fetching “I heart my marriage” t-shirt, seen here being modeled by sexy arrestee Brad Gellert.  See if you can guess where this story’s going.  In fact, see if you can guess where it took place.

A Florida man was arrested for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home.  According to a police report, the 32-year-old financial consultant got into an argument with his wife and “screamed at the victim and threw numerous items.” He then allegedly “grabbed the victim’s neck and strangled her,” which “prevented the victim from breathing normally.” [as strangulation so often tends to do] Gellert’s wife subsequently fled the couple’s Apollo Beach home and went to a nearby sheriff’s office to report the incident. Investigators noted that the woman had been “taken to the ground by the arrestee [clearly employing the "ground & pound" method of spousal abuse] and suffered an abrasion to her knee and red marks on her neck.” [TSG]

Little known fact: the eleventh commandment was actually “Thou shalt not make your husband have to choke a bitch.”  And I confess, I’d probably choke my wife too if she made me watch Fireproof.  Just sayin.

“I’m not gay!  Jesus says nipples are a sin!“

Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof banked heavily on the insane bible thumper demographic and was an enormous success ($500,000 budget, $34 million gross – suck on that, Hollywood Jews).  It recently hit DVD, and someone on the internets was kind enough to put together a compilation of all the best scenes (watch it after the jump).  At first it looks like Kirk Cameron’s gonna beat his wife, but it turns out he just kills his computer with a baseball bat because it got him addicted to porn.  But the creepiest stuff isn’t even the Jesus parts, it’s watching them rip off secular movies like Super Troopers.  They even have a wise cracking black guy!  I suppose the message is, it’s all fun and games until you’re burning in hell.

Also: Kirk Cameron is 38 and looks 12.  I want whatever anti-aging potion he’s taking.  What’s that you say?  It involves abstaining from porn and alcohol?  Hmm.  I’m gonna try bathing in the blood of virgins first, see if that works.

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^{The phrase “Box Office” still gives Kirk Cameron the chills.}

Shia LaBeouf’s thrilling thriller Eagle Eye topped the box office with $29.4 million dollars, no doubt because of all those good reviews.  Meanwhile, the big story was Kirk Cameron’s Fireproof (tagline: Never leave your partner’s behind).  Costing just $500K and opening on 839 screens, the Sherwood Baptist Church joint rode a Nigerian-style marketing campaign to a $6.5 million gross, landing in fourth place behind Lakeview Terrace.

It had the year’s highest grossing opening weekend return of any film (except 3-D Hannah Montana) released on 1,000 screens or less. Faith-based “Action Squads” bought up blocks of tickets. [DHD]

Oh boy, I can’t wait to watch the big studios try to cash in on this one.  It’ll be just like that one movie with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah, but instead of an old white guy learning how to dance and rap, a bunch of old Jews will learn to how to say “I love Jesus” in tongues.

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